June 2, 2002
Everybody knows something about revenge, even the sweet (and passive-aggressive) Muffy St. Bernard. Ms. Venus tried to force me into telling incriminating revenge stories, but even after being subjected to the fingernail-breaker and the hair-musser I was still unable to think of any.
We tried a "house" set and discovered that I'm no beat-matcher. We sternly advised Whitney to quit chasing Bobby Brown all around town. I explained the hallmarks of the Typical Jim Steinman Song, to wit:
* A clever turn of phrase applied to a well-worn cliche,
* Frenetic piano arpeggios in a minor key,
* Soaring vocals at the end of the song that repeat the song title, and
* Over six minutes long.
Finally, Venus dissected the phrase "Revenge is a dish best served cold," which she feels means "take some time to think about your revenge-plot, because if you think about it you will be able to do it in an even more nasty and horrible way." Whereas I thought it meant "take time to think before you engage in revenge, because then you will realize that you shouldn't take any revenge at all." We could have settled it all with an arm-wrestling contest, but we were both in unstable chairs.
| Song | Artist | Comments |
| Ultrascope | Children of the Bong | |
| One Way Or Another* | Blondie | The only revenge song that ended up on both of our lists! |
| Gloria | Laura Branigan | Why did I want to be Laura Branigan? Mainly because of the hair. |
| You Thought* | Go Go's | This and all future Revenge songs are marked with an *. |
| Trux (remix) | Baby Girl | The song with a silent x! Or maybe not... |
| Frozen (extended mix) | Madonna | For spankin' Moe. Thanks for the cheese & crackers tip! |
| Ani Ohevet | Dana International | |
| Bag It Up (remix) | Geri Halliwell | |
| I Learned From The Best* | Whitney Houston | And she ain't talkin' chess...she learned from Bobby Brown! |
| Tonight Is What It Means To Be Young | Fire Inc. | Typical Muffy tirade about typical Jim Steinman. |
| Tell No Lies | The Spoons | Everybody knows somebody who knows Sandy Horne. |
| Dark Lady* | Cher | |
| I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out Of My Hair* | Mary Martin | |
| Just You Wait* | Lerner & Lowe | |
| A Lover Spurned* | Marc Almond | Pretty much the ultimate revenge song. |
| I Will Survive* | Gloria Gaynor | For Drew: WE MISS YOU! |
| Right Through You* | Alanis Morisette | |
| Bombard Me | Sarah Craig | |
| Seven Steps To The Wall | Jane Siberry |
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