July 8, 2006 (A Jackpot of Crackpots! )
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's Lulu, the Meltdown Monkey! She's kind of hard to see but she's wearing a little dress and chewing my finger. This was after she'd finished sucking my left eyebrow.
You can wear the crappiest outfit...but as long as your LEGS are cool nobody notices!
Dan remembers Pat Boone too...even in the middle of his drunken Canada Day bender! To the right is Dan's sweet friend, and I know he's sweet because he bought drinks.
Awww, me and my little droogie Nigel. It looks like I'm too scared to touch him, but I'm not! Nigel's never been one for the ultraviolence.
Madison, Drew and I prepare for out backyard show in honour of the Flying Trannies. Part of the preparation involves sitting in identical positions.
I'm a sucker for a kitten! You can't tell just by looking at it but the poor thing is absolutely terrified. I guess I don't look enough like his mother.
It's Tim's birthday! Happy birthday, Tim! Annie and I congratulate him on being one day older and one degree more bitter.
On the way home from Victoria's birthday party, Annie and I discover some cryptic graffiti. Those sweet anarchists wanna share!
A flashback to Tri-Pride! Mark and I get all cuddly and She-Devilly. Back off, fellas...he's married!
Yikes! It takes all four of us to hold Kim up.
Since you didn't get a good look at this year's "Coolest Dog of Pride Winner," Dascha's mommy was kind enough to send this glamour shot. Ever wonder what a "hang-dog look" is? Wonder no longer.
The gorgeous and talented Morgan James makes me weep sentimentally with her perfect Ann Miller hand-gesture! Or maybe it was the cleavage...
June 13, 2006 (Whole Lotta Pride Goin' On!)
Guelph Pride!
During Guelph's Pride at the Rude Native Bistro, I pray to the Rude Native itself, asking for long life, prosperity, and no holes in my stockings.
Guelph Pride!
My prayers go unanswered. They don't call him the "Rude Native" for nothing!
Guelph Pride!
While the REAL bouncer takes a washroom break, I fill in and try to intimidate everybody with my "scary bouncer" face.
Guelph Pride!
True to her name, Marva Wisdom dispenses brilliant practical advice...but she also dances! Marva is, without a doubt, one of the Beautiful.
Tri-Pride!
At this year's Tri-Pride event I got to sit right at the front with all the cool people!
Tri-Pride!
Speaking of cool people, I finally ran into long-lost peacock-buddy Sandy! WE MISS YOU SANDY!
Tri-Pride!
As usual, my REAL duty was to hand out the "Coolest Dog of Pride" award. Would this year's winner be Duke? No, because he ignored me, the jerk.
Tri Pride!
How about gorgeous pooch Maya? Close, but she's sucking up to the judge a bit too much...
Tri-Pride!
Nope, there's only one clear winner: little Dascha! You can't see her very well (because she's awfully fast and low to the ground), but just take my word for it: Dascha's got "the look!"
After seeing a pretty dismal show at The Boathouse, I wandered over to Club Renaissance to mingle with people who are NEVER dismal! First I snuggled with Matty and his friend...
...then, beside the bank machine, I hung out with a wonderfully sweet guy who was, apparently, "Feeling Dirty" that night (who wasn't?)
...and what night would be complete without the usual St. Mark shenanigans? That's a rhetorical question, folks...it would be a night that SUCKED!
Either this is another night or I did a really quick change! This time around I'm being propped up by my two favourite barflies, Chris and Ken. Bliss!
And here's the beloved Madison! She'd want me to point out her fabulous hair, but I also want to mention her litany of titles: Miss Club Renaissance 04/05, Miss Naughty Butt Nice 05/06, and -- just this week -- Miss Rainbow Pride III 06/07! What's happening in 07/08, queenie?
I'm just proving that I do, as a matter of fact, have fingers. So now you know.
It's been a awful long since I've spent quality time with Mr. Bulldog!
May 28, 2006 (Pat Boone!)
When you're feeling old it's nice to know that some good-looking, socially capable people remember the same elements of pop culture that you do. So let's celebrate the Club Abstract patrons who remember Pat Boone, shall we?
To add to the celebration I brought along a copy of Mr. Boone's book "'Twixt Twelve and Twenty." It contains some strikingly straight-forward advice for 1960s teenagers, mixed with the anxiously hep slang and sincere "God God God" stuff that we sort of admire Mr. Boone for. In the introduction he reassures parents that the '60s kids aren't going to grow up to be "witch-doctors or purple people eaters." Sadly he was right...they grew up to be drug-sucking hair-hoppers, beatniks and folkies.
The people in these pictures do not necessarily endorse Pat Boone's beliefs. But we all feel he has a certain je ne sais quoi.
Here's the book that started it all, right next to the booze I drank while reading it. I'd like to think that the handsome, doughy Pat Boone in this picture is saying "who's your daddy, Muff? Who loves ya? Wanna pet?"
I fooled Al -- our esteemed DJ -- into thinking that he was getting a picture taken with the REAL Pat Boone. You will note that Al isn't holding Pat Boone himself, he's just holding a book written BY Pat Boone. But let's not disillusion him.
Oh, yeah, Dawn's up with the Pat Boone business. She thinks he's the cat's meow! Though she's really thinking "hey, why are you bothering me while I'm dancing?"
The night just wouldn't be complete if I didn't meet a wonderful person and then forget her name. Rather than come up with a nickname for this gal, let me just call her "Dawn's Friend" and point out that she also remembers Pat Boone. Coincidence? I think not!
It's self-evident that Pat Boone only WISHES he could be kissed by Leanne. Yeah, you and the rest of the world, dreamer!
And now I present Nigel, our resident Pat Boone expert! Seriously, Nigel knows the finer details of the guy's career and may even own a copy of "In A Metal Mood". If not, Christmas is coming Nigel-fans! Well, eventually.
I posed for this picture because I thought it would make Pat happy.
At the end of the day only Zsa Zsa's opinion counts. As you can see she goes into sort of an ecstatic frenzy when she's around Pat Boone's books, and she occasionally starts speaking in tongues. Or at least she speaks in a language other than English...
May 13, 2006 (High-Roller Muffy!)
I'd like to pretend that I went to Las Vegas to gamble, see the sights, get married and return home drunk and crying. But I'm afraid to say it wasn't like that at all. Actually I was sent down there as part of a trade show, which meant standing in one spot for four days, nine hours a day, smiling at people and trying to sell them a product (which was not, for once, me).
Because of this I don't think I got to really appreciate Las Vegas, except as a place where bald-faced greed, waste and extravagance are the celebrated values and where the city planners do everything possible to make sure that you walk as far as possible. And not just walk, but walk through casinos. Over and over again. In circles. Hey, I like to walk as much as (if not more than) the next person, but not when the only thing at the end is another slot machine.
That said, despite the physical and emotional exhaustion of the trip I did manage to have some real fun. On Wednesday night I spent some time with my co-workers and saw "Purple Reign," an incredible Prince cover band. On Thursday -- my last night there -- I dressed up like a showgirl and hung out with SG, a filmmaker who dealt graciously with my disasterously low blood-sugar before disappearing suddenly into thin air.
So here's the chronicle of the fun parts of my trip, the people I met, and the places I went. Would I want to go to Vegas again? Not if there was an opportunity to go elsewhere. But if nothing else, Las Vegas was an experience...a place where Wayne Newton, Howie Mandell and Carrot Top still have careers.
'Nuff said!
Here's the view out my hotel window at 6am.You can't see the "Fat Burger" restaurant from here, but you can see the gorgeous desert mountains that eluded me for the entire trip, sadly.
Ka-ching! Here I am winning $224,695 American dollars plus change. Actually, it's me pretending to gamble. I spent thirty seconds losing two dollars on these machines and that was enough for me.
This is Curtis, Ken and myself watching "Purple Reign" in the hotel's pub. Believe me, it's a feat of endurance to do a trade show all day and then go out drinking at night...but I was learning from some veterans!
Speaking of co-workers, this one is giving the look of a guy who finally understands who he's been working with all day. Part of my drag duties are to play odd practical jokes on strangers and people I barely know.
Ahhh, Sheila! My favourite Prince dancer! She was a bit overwhelming but a heck of a lot of fun. Bye, Sheila!
On Thursday night I hooked up with SG and talked him into taking "Muffy-on-the-Strip" pictures. I wasn't sure how the world would receive me, but the people in Vegas is so drunk and spectacle-hungry that they'll accept anything, even a cut-rate showgirl.
In front of a bona-fide landmark, the Paris Las Vegas hotel, including fake Eiffel Tower. You can't really see it in any of these pictures but I AM wearing a feather headdress...it's just very black. So you don't think I'm TOO cut-rate.
More of the Paris Las Vegas hotel. I'm showing you two pictures of this place because it's really the only landmark we managed to capture, though our intentions were good...
After getting horribly lost in the back corridors of the Belagio Hotel, my blood sugar begins to plummit and it dawns on me that the night could be difficult. But I get a bottle of beer to keep my "classiness level" high.
While SG races off to buy me some Skittles, I chat with Eli, our cab driver. Who's Eli? You won't believe this, but Eli used to do lighting for Dana International in Israel! It was so thrilling to hear the "inside scoop" on the diva...according to Eli she was a bitch. Who guessed?
Our quest for fun took us to the Rainbow Lounge first. When we found out it was a drag hooker bar we scuttled over to Ramrod, where I got my picture taken with a real-life cowboy. Yeeehaw!
Since Ramrod was empty we found ourselves at Gipsy. At this point I began feeling like a fly whose internal organs had been sucked out...but I wasn't ready to give up yet! I don't think I had the mental capacity to do so even if I'd wanted to.
Thanks to a convention for Interior Decorators I hooked up with Emmanuel, a sweet man who exhorted me to "show them what you've got, girl!" Unfortunately I didn't have much to show, as this is a picture of a diabetic whose brain is shutting down over and over and over...
But fortunately I had saviours! Wonderful, nameless Las Vegas residents who looked after me during the final (largely forgotten) hours of the night. They even drove me back to the hotel! Every trip has its guardian angels, and these were mine! I wish I'd caught their names...
April 21, 2006 (DYAO 5, Spring Mingle)
Drag Yer Ass Out 5!
The best thing about doing drag shows is discovering the layout of the changeroom, then finding a way to hang up your stuff. We were particularly inventive this time!
Drag Yer Ass Out 5!
The next best thing is having
a look at your mirror! 
Drag Yer Ass Out 5!
Her name probably isn't Wanda, but it SHOULD be! A stand-out girlie in the "Drag Yer Ass Out" audience.
After our "let's be like ABBA" pictures failed (tuck-tape-tip to Annie Drogyny), Jade and I decide to fall back on the old standard: a hug.
Some people visit this website only for the beauty tips, so here's a new one: forget about those wimpy spa facials. Go for the industrial-strength solution! Guaranteed to remove at least one layer of skin.
Awww, our beloved Tony! Seriously, EVERYBODY loves Tony. The people who don't love Tony are murdered.
Is there any doubt, looking at this picture, that Vanilla loves Tony too? Is there any doubt that Tony simply doesn't understand our affection?
Since Jon, Vanilla and I rarely get a chance to have a drink at Club Abstract anymore, here's the three of us getting cosy at the video bar...
Awww, Amos and Muffy! And nothing to do with the similarly-titled '50s program, believe me.
Happy Easter!
I do the bunny thing as part of an Easter tradition, but I think my ears have seen better days...
The Spring Mingle!
On April 1st at Guelph's River Run Centre, I was auctioned off as part of the "Spring Mingle" fundraiser! It was a blast, and here I am pre-event with darlin' Barbara.
The Spring Mingle!
See the spirit in our eyes? Booze. Fortunately we managed to hold each other up pretty well, no?
The Spring Mingle!
Well, it was the alcohol that did me in...and here's the glass that held the alcohol that did me in! And here's the crack in the glass that.
The Spring Mingle!
And here's my Guelph Guardian Angel, Benn! In a crowd full of wonderful people it's difficult to single out a single person, but Benn gets singled out anyway. Mwah!