CREEPY PEDRO

Episode Seven: The Creepy One From the Sky

            {FX: Pedro is in the pantry, counting tomatoes with Lucio.  Unlike previous times counting tomatoes, Pedro is quite calm and almost sentimental}

PEDRO: Twenty tomatoes.  Twenty-one tomatoes.  Twenty-two.

LUCIO: {sighing contentedly} Oh, Pedro, it's good to be back.

PEDRO: Lucio!  I'm...I'm touched.  You've been away on vacation for months, climbing mountains, swimming oceans, dancing with the devil in the pale moonlight...I was beginning to think you didn't like me anymore.  I kept on asking myself, what did I do wrong?  How did I offend you?  Lucio...I was worried I'd never see you again.

LUCIO: Well, I had some good reasons for going away.

PEDRO: Was it "manifestation stress?"  Is it difficult to make your presence known in this unfriendly and alien world?

LUCIO: No, it wasn't so much that.  I just got frustrated with you.

PEDRO: {crestfallen} Oh.

LUCIO: Very, very frustrated.  But I'm back now.

PEDRO: {hurt, counting the tomatoes again}  Twenty-three tomatoes.  Twenty-four.  Twenty-five.

LUCIO: And coming back after a long absence is a joyous thing, it enriches the heart.  It's...rejuvinating.  {Pause} I think you'll find that, after my vacation, I will no longer threaten to hit you when you're annoying.

PEDRO: {Touched} Wow, Lucio.

LUCIO: I've been enriched by my worldly adventures.

PEDRO: Did you see any famous people?

LUCIO: I met Satan, and Luciano Pavarotti.

PEDRO: Did Pavarotti tell you any good jokes?

LUCIO: He treated me poorly, like I was just another fan.

PEDRO: Aww, that's awful.

LUCIO: I'll be okay.  Luciano's under a lot of stress, he's too busy to worry about the damage he does to others.

PEDRO: Did you find the Yeti?  Did you discover the pirate's gold?

LUCIO: Yes, and yes.

PEDRO: Fantastic!  I'm sorry that I missed out on all the exciting things you've been up to, but you know...we've had plenty of great adventures together as well.  We made Chi-Chi the Mad Lactose-Intolerant Monkey happy, we've been to Belgium more times than anybody has a right to expect, and we even failed to prevent World War Two!  I can't help wondering...what's next?  How can we top those exciting times?

LUCIO: That depends on the tomatoes.  How many are there?

PEDRO: Twenty-six. {Prophecy noise}

LUCIO: In that case, you'll need to get a girlfriend and go to another dimension today.

PEDRO: {Crestfallen} Oh.  I guess we can't ALWAYS have adventures.

LUCIO: The dull days will help you appreciate the more exciting ones.

        {FX: Footsteps approaching the pantry door}

PEDRO: Shhhh!  Here comes mom.

        {FX: Door opens}

MOM: Pedro, are you doing something with the vegetables?

PEDRO: {Sheepish} I'm counting them.

MOM: {Stern} Come on out.  I want to have a talk with you.

        {Pedro exits the pantry and shuts the door behind him}

MOM: Now, I've been your mother for a long time, but I'm still confused and frustrated about something.

PEDRO: Maybe I can help...what do you want to know?

MOM: Why are you so weird?

PEDRO: {chuckling} Oh, mother, that's a long story.

MOM: {Getting upset} Why do you do these weird things?

PEDRO: {still chuckling} You might say it's...just the way I am.

MOM: {Screaming} GET OUT OF MY LIFE, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!

PEDRO: Mom!  You're throttling me!

MOM: QUIT COUNTING THE VEGETABLES!  STOP EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS!  YOU'VE RUINED MY DREAMS, STOLEN MY HOPES, THWARTED MY AMBITIONS! YOU'VE ALIENATED THE NEIGHBOURHOOD AND TURNED ME INTO A SOCIAL PARIAH!  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE LEAVE SO I CAN SCRAPE TOGETHER THE REMAINS OF MY SHATTERED LIFE AND LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

PEDRO: Where should I go?

MOM: {Breaking down into wracking sobs} Oh, anywhere, anywhere...

PEDRO: Can I take the car?

MOM: ...yes, you can take everything, just leave, please...

PEDRO: Will you do just one thing for me before I leave?

MOM: I'm a broken woman. I'll do whatever you say.

PEDRO: Mother, please...sing that song to me, the one you used to sing to me when I was a baby.

MOM: {sniffling} Okay, take off your tinfoil hat and put your head in my lap.

        {FX: Pedro removes his hat, sounds of rustling as Pedro and Mom prepare for a tender moment.  She begins to sing in a quavering, sweet voice}

Bouncing baby,
bounce to China,.
bounce to Cuba, float away.
Bounce to heaven, bounce to Mecca,
everything will be okay.

Bouncing baby,
little fishy,
swim to Moscow, swim to Rome,
be a tadpole, ride a horsey,
never find your way home.

Never find your way home!
Never find your way home!
Be a prince in Madagascar,
never find your way home.

Bouncing baby, silly donkey,
go to Malta, have no fear,
because momma doesn't love you
and you're better off there.

PEDRO: Now, sing the one about the dirty-tooth disease!

MOM: No--

PEDRO: Sing the song about the man who left his baby at the post office!

MOM: Pedro, I don't have time.  Please.  Do something for momma. {Pause} Get lost.

PEDRO: Okay, thanks for the song!

MOM: Are you really leaving?

PEDRO: Yes, Lucio said I've got to find a girlfriend and go to another dimension.

MOM: In that case...take this.  It's a going-away present.

PEDRO: {touched} Aw, Mom, a brooch.  It's the one I got you for mother's day.

MOM: I only wore it when you were around, I've always hated it.  And if you've got any toys or things you'd like sent to the other dimension, you'd better arrange for it now, or I'll just drop everything at the Goodwill.

PEDRO: Okay!  I'll just take along a few useful items like these... {sounds of him picking things up} ...scented candles, and the piano stool, and...this Bible.

MOM: Have fun!

PEDRO: I'll write!

MOM: Please don't write!

PEDRO: I won't write!

MOM: Bye!

        {FX: Door shuts}

PEDRO: Well...goodbye house.  Goodbye street.  Some of my happiest memories are here.  I learned how to ride a bicycle on this crooked little sidewalk.  In the winter I'd build a fort over there, by the apple tree.  And here in the garden I'd watch the aphids and wonder, "do they dream?"

LUCIO: Of course they dream, Pedro.

PEDRO: What do they dream about?

LUCIO: The usual things. Jobs, nectar.

PEDRO: So this is it.  Where do you think I can get a girlfriend?

LUCIO: Why, at the Zip Genetic Engineering Facility, over on Fleet Street!

        {FX: ZIP!  Suddenly in the Zip labs, friendly computer noises and ongoing 70's media promo music in the background}

OSCAR: Hello there!  I'm Oscar, head technician here at Zip.  Welcome to our showroom!

PEDRO: Hi, Oscar!

OSCAR: Pedro, my goodness!  What brings you here?  Today isn't donation day.

PEDRO: I know, but apparently I need to find a girlfriend, and Lucio recommended your services.

OSCAR: We're always happy to give a little bit back to the community.  For instance, over here...

PEDRO: Wow, look at that bean, it's HUGE!

OSCAR: Just imagine, Pedro...a world full of huge beans.  You might be thinking, how can humans possibly harvest such gigantic beans?  You and I might not be able to, but next...just imagine a race of subhuman servants with gigantic feet, tiny heads, and packages of extruded, multi-jointed appendages!  Like this guy over here.

PEDRO: He's a monster...his entire visage is terrifying!

OSCAR: But don't worry, you'd never need to look at him.  Imagine a race of children whose eyes swivel laterally -- and can even turn completely around and rest behind the hairline -- but refuse to swivel up and down!  Like this little fella.

PEDRO: He has a trackball on his back.

OSCAR: If you move the trackball he makes musical noises!

PEDRO: Wow, science!  {FX: Odd woopy keyboard noises as Pedro plays with the trackball}

OSCAR: Solving today's problems.

PEDRO: Can I pick one of these to be my girlfriend?

OSCAR: Of course!  Our mutants are sorted by aggressiveness.  How aggressive should she be?

PEDRO: Do you have a category for girlfriends who are inconsistent in their aggression?

OSCAR: That's up here, on level G.

        {FX: Zip!  Up to level G, almost instantaneous}

PEDRO: They're all so quiet...

OSCAR: We haven't turned them on.

        {FX: Whenever we're around "BC-12," we hear a sort of rattling noise...like popping popcorn and rattling beads...when she walks or talks, this noise gets more frantic}

PEDRO: How about this one here...can she dance?

OSCAR: We could grow a new one that dances.

PEDRO: Oh, no, I don't want her to dance.

OSCAR: Then she's perfect!  Try her out.  We call her BC-12, but if you think of a better name you can encode it later.

PEDRO: Hello, BC-12, how are you doing today?

BC-12: Gorilla.

PEDRO: What are your hobbies?

BC-12: Gorilla.

PEDRO: I'll take her!

OSCAR: We've got lots more if you'd like to browse.

PEDRO: Oh, no, I really like BC-12.

OSCAR: Well... {secretive} ...just between you and me, she's a little...toxic.

PEDRO: Toxic?

OSCAR: Very slightly.  We've been working on the problem and we think we've got it licked.  We're going to create a race of immune humans with thick skin, and nostrils between their shoulders...though right now this is interfering with the trackball.

PEDRO: Oh.

OSCAR: Otherwise, BC-12 is peachy-keen!  Would you like her wrapped?  Should we add another leg?

PEDRO: No, thanks, I'll take her just as she is!  I'm only getting a girlfriend because the tomatoes told me to, I'm not very picky.

OSCAR: {chuckling} Those darn tomatoes.

PEDRO: Yes indeed.  Well BC-12, time to go!  Bye Oscar, thanks for letting me visit and showing me the future!

OSCAR: Come back any time, and don't forget to tell your friends, if you have any!  And by the way...say hello to your mom for me, will you?

PEDRO: Ummm...my mom?

OSCAR: Yeah.

PEDRO: {Confused} Okay...yeah Oscar, I'll tell her you said hi.

OSCAR: Thanks, bye!

        {FX: ZIP!  Pedro, Lucio and BC-12 are back at the house again}

PEDRO: I wonder how he knows my mom?

LUCIO: Mission accomplished, Pedro?

PEDRO: Look at my girlfriend!  Isn't she neat?  I have to admit, though, I'm apprehensive.  I've never had a girlfriend before, especially not one so drastically modified.

LUCIO: Is she aggressive?

PEDRO: Inconsistently.

LUCIO: I only ask because the place you're going to may not be friendly.  While you were at the lab I consulted the crime computer to find out more about this other dimension.  I think you can leave the piano bench behind...they have chairs there.

PEDRO: Whew!  I'd hate to think the tomatoes were sending me to a dimension without chairs.  {FX: Heavy piano bench put down}

BC-12: Gorilla.

LUCIO: But it isn't a dimension of wine and roses, believe me.  While the crime computer was a little vague, it made intimations of a terrible menace hovering over the land.  A menace unlike any you or I have faced before.  I asked the crime computer to be more specific.  It printed out this picture of a dead seal.  I asked it what it meant by the dead seal, and it printed out another picture, this time of you screaming, with your eyes lit up in mortal terror.  Then the computer started to cry.

PEDRO: Oh no.  {FX: Crinkling paper} Look at this poor seal.

BC-12: Gorilla.

PEDRO: Seal.

BC-12: Gorilla.

LUCIO: Anyway, I think this means that the place we're going is pretty tough, and we should probably be ready for anything.

        {FX: Front door opening, MOM leaning out}

MOM: Are you still here?

PEDRO: I'm going now, Mom!

MOM: What's keeping you?  Shift it!  Get lost, and take that mutant with you!

PEDRO: Mutant?  Oh, Mom, you must mean BC-12, my new girlfriend.

MOM: {Terrified} Oh God, no grandchildren!  {Door slams}

LUCIO: So, is everybody ready?  Any last words before I teleport us to this woeful dimension which is desperately in need of our help?

PEDRO: Goodbye suburbia!  Goodbye, blue sky!  {Shouting to Ann Miller} Goodbye, Pedestrian!

ANN MILLER: {Out walking her dog} Who are you?

        {FX: Pedro, Lucio and BC-12 pop out of existence}

ANN MILLER: Whoa!  Did you see that Poochie?  They must have been communists.

DOG: Woof.

ANN MILLER: {Singing, fading out} "Gonna sing, gonna dance...Like a runaway horse I'm unable to stop, I can feel my feet go clippety-clop, unable to stop..."

        {FX: Whirly interdimensional noises, a 'sonic rainbow' as our trio hurtles towards another existence...}

LUCIO: What are you doing, Pedro?

PEDRO: {FX: pages turning} I'm looking for prophetic messages in the Bible.  How long will it take until we reach the other dimension?

LUCIO: About six years.

PEDRO: Good, we have lots of time.  Should we light the scented candles?

LUCIO: If you like.

        {FX: Matches striking, then getting blown out}

PEDRO: Mmmm, vanilla.

BC-12: Gorilla.

PEDRO: Vanilla.

BC-12: Gorilla.

LUCIO: Look, there goes Trallogath, world of demons!

PEDRO: Hi demons!

DEMONS: {Flying past at incredible speed} Hi Pedro!

PEDRO: Goodbye!

        {FX: A moment of silence}

PEDRO: How much longer?

LUCIO: About six years.

PEDRO: I should've brought the piano bench.  {Suddenly inspired} I know, we can sing something!  Does everybody know the duck song?

LUCIO {Breaking into song} Quack-quack-quack!  Quack-quack-quack!

PEDRO & LUCIO: {Singing} Quack-quack-quack!  Quack-quack-quack!

PEDRO: Sing along!

        {FX: A moment of silence.  Then, pages turning}

PEDRO: I think I just cracked the bible code.

LUCIO: I spy with my little eye, something that is brown.

PEDRO: My shoes.

LUCIO: No.

PEDRO: That comet over there.  {FX: Comet whizzes by}

LUCIO: Nope.

PEDRO: BC-12's trackball.

LUCIO: Nope.

BC-12: Gorilla.

LUCIO: You win.

PEDRO: {Yelling to passing gorilla} Hi Gorilla!

GORILLA: Oog-oog-oog!

        {FX: A moment of silence, Lucio and Pedro sigh}

PEDRO: So, the other day I was watching this show on TV, and it was about this kid whose dad just didn't understand him.

LUCIO: Was it Suburban Rage?

PEDRO: Yeah, that was the one!  Anyway, his dad didn't understand, no matter what he did.  His dad didn't like the music he listened to.  So the kid went to a variety store and the woman in the store gave him a funny look, and the kid yelled "you punk-ass motherfucker!"

LUCIO: That's always the best part of the show.

PEDRO: It was great.  It was so apt.

LUCIO: Did the woman fall in love with him?

PEDRO: Yes.  But she could never really understand him.

LUCIO: I think I've seen that one.

PEDRO: Well, it's just like real life.

LUCIO: Uh-huh.

        {FX: Long pause}

LUCIO: Six more years.

PEDRO: Can we stop somewhere, so I can pee and maybe get a book?

LUCIO: No.

PEDRO: Aw geez, this will be really boring!

        {Far head in the time tunnel, BEE THE ANGEL appears}

BEE: ...Pedro...

PEDRO: Who's that up ahead, Lucio?

LUCIO: I don't know, but he's coming this way.  Be careful, Pedro.

PEDRO: Wow, the trouble's already started and we're not even there yet.

BEE: {Getting closer} Pedro...the people from the other dimension sent me...

PEDRO: Uh-oh.

BEE: ...they thought you might be bored...interdimensional travel is arduous...

PEDRO: That's true, but is there a better way to get from place to place?

BEE: ...I'm a time angel...our people have spent millennia trying to make travel between dimensions more interesting...all of our energy and resources have been consumed by this problem...we've tried marching bands...waterslides...none of the distractions worked...but we had a breakthrough this morning...please allow me to try an experiment on you...

PEDRO: What do you want to do?

BEE: ...I have this hammer...I'd like to give you a concussion...you will sleep deeply...

PEDRO: No thanks.

BEE: ...please do not reject my proposal...it means a lot to me...I will get a promotion...

PEDRO: Sorry, but no, I'd rather be bored.

        {FX: Suddenly, a loud marching band appears, drowning out almost everything}

PEDRO: Wow, look!  It's a marching band!

BEE: ...INCOMING!

        {FX: Massive crack as Bee hits Pedro with the hammer...sounds echo away into the distance}
        {FX: Suddenly, the 'X TV' theme song!  Followed by some rapid-fire commentary and clips}

THEME SONG: X-TV, X-TV, X-TV is the place to be!

KID: It's Ex-cellent.

ANNOUNCER: X-TV continues it's line of young-adult programming with Doctor Berlin's new talk show, "Troubled Teens."

WIFE: The day my son's pants attacked me, I was terrified.

HUSBAND: We couldn't get the pants off of her...

WIFE: They just kept attacking and attacking...

HUSBAND: Like wildpants!

WIFE: I was terrified!

BERLIN: But did you never realize that this is a normal thing for a teenager's pants to do?  It's only a phase, it will pass.

ANNOUNCER: Also on X-TV, an all-new episode of Suburban Rage!

DOUG: You punk-ass motherfucker!

        {FX: Crashing, punching sounds, metal denting, garbage spilling out}

TOM: You show that garbage can!  Don't let it get away!

DOUG: Where do you think you're goin', Mr. Garbage can?

        {FX: More crashing and thumping}

TOM: Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!

DOUG: {Yelling at the sky} Fuck you, world!  Fuck you all!

TOM: {Out of breath} Good job, man.  You wasted that garbage can.  {Laughing}  They'll totally...they'll totally have to replace that wasted garbage can!

DOUG: {Chuckling} I really fucked it up.

TOM: Stupid garbage can.

SANDRA: Hey guys!  Wait for me!

TOM: Sandra, babe!  What's up?

SANDRA: Look what I got on my tongue.  {Showing tongue} Ahhhhhh...

TOM: It's a tongue ring.

SANDRA: Dummy.  It's electronic.  When I swallow really hard it makes a whistling sound.

TOM: Serious?

        {FX: Sandra swallows, high-pitched rave whistle sound}

TOM: Wow!

DOUG: What a gimmick, Sandra.  What a stupid gimmick.  People like you fill up the world with so much useless garbage.

TOM: You tell her.

SANDRA: {Sassy} I think you're just useless garbage.

TOM: Whoa, touche!

DOUG: It's people like you forkin' over their money for useless crap...it's people like you walking right up to The Man and sayin', "Hey there Mr. Corporation, why don't you lean over so I can stick my tongue right up your butt."

SANDRA: Ewwwww.

DOUG: Yeah, you say you don't like the taste of shit, but you've got that piece of shit in your mouth right now, a piece of Mr. Corporation's shit.

SANDRA: That's absolutely gross.

DOUG: The world isn't pretty, in case you hadn't noticed.  Not all of us can live at home and leech off our mommies and daddies and live a privileged life like you do.

SANDRA: You're still living at home.

DOUG: Yeah, because that's the best way to infiltrate the dirty-old-bunch-of-corporate-asslickers club!  By living right under their noses!

TOM: That's why you still live with your parents?

DOUG: So I can keep an eye on them.

SANDRA: And so you can drive your dad's car and not get a job.

DOUG: Get a job?  Gimme a break, you think getting a job means freedom?  It doesn't mean nothin'.  All it means is sweatin' away under the piggy eyes of some fuckhead supervisor who doesn't give a damn about you, all he cares about is money, money, money.  I don't care about money, I don't need no job, I don't need to buy into the corporate lies the man's tryin' to forcefeed the rest of yo.  Sure Sandra, swallow all the lies, just don't come cryin' to me when it all comes down and your ass is up against the wall because the government's put you and all the rest of the corporate whores on some kind of island somewhere, cause they don't need you to feed them anymore, 'cause you and people like you have been feedin' them all along, blood for garbage man, your blood for their garbage.

SANDRA: Well...just where is this island going to be...?

DOUG: You're so damn stupid.

SANDRA: What should I wear when I'm there?

DOUG: Nobody understands me!

        {FX: Garbage can overturning, kicking, yelling, Sandra's rave whistle going off over and over again}

TOM: Kill it!  Kill it!

DOUG: Motherfucker!

ANNOUNCER: Once a month on X-TV, you can talk to our station President, Mr. Daniel Fuzz!

DANIEL: This is Daniel Fuzz...is there a caller on the line?  {Buzzing sound}  Is there a caller?

KEVIN: {On the phone} Yeah, yeah, I'm here.

DANIEL: Hi there. Your name is...Kevin, and you're 22 years old?

KEVIN: Yeah, I was jus'...I was jus' wonderin', you guys are all cool and everything, I really like Suburban Rage.

DANIEL: Our most popular show!

KEVIN: But I was jus'...I was thinkin', and some of the guys here were thinkin', your name's a real sell-out.

DANIEL: {Pause} But my name really is Daniel Fuzz.

KEVIN: No, I mean the name of your station, this X-TV shit.  It's like a sell-out name, that Gen-X stuff isn't cool anymore.

DANIEL: Oh, no, Kevin, listen.  {Sincere}  We didn't call it X-TV because of all that Gen-X crap, we don't believe in labels.  We don't want to label our viewers, because labels are for the corporate-ass-licker's club.

KEVIN: Just like Doug says.

DANIEL: Exactly, just like Doug says.  We called it X-TV because you're the unknown generation.  You're like the X in the equation that nobody understands.  You're like "planet X," you're like "X-tascy," you're like...

KEVIN: Extreme!

DANIEL: Right, you're extreme.  We don't view you as a demographic...we view you more like...well, a bunch of...Neanderthal missing-links.

KEVIN: Oh.

DANIEL: Hence the "X."  "X, the unknown."

KEVIN: I see.

DANIEL: Was that your only question?

KEVIN: Um...yeah, Dan.  Thanks, now that we don't think you're a corporate ass-licker, we'll keep watching your show.  And {talking to somebody in the background}...yeah, Sandra says hi, she loves the "Fuzzy Does He Do It" show, and she's even got a Fuzzy Duzzy hat.

DANIEL: Hi, Sandra!  Thanks for watching!

KEVIN: She wants to...here, listen {FX: Rave whistle over the phone}

DANIEL: Those whistles are great.

ANNOUNCER: Tell your friends!  Watch X-TV.  Tell your teachers!  X-TV.  Tell your parents, they can't stop you from watching:

MUSIC: X-TV, X-TV, X-TV!!!

        {FX: Back to Creepy Pedro...on a barren plain, howling lonely wind in the background, desolate and cold}

EDWARD: {Prodding the unconscious Pedro} Awaken, stranger.

PEDRO: Groan.  Oooh, that rotten angel.

EDWARD: You have a nasty bump on your forehead, this is for certain.

PEDRO: Lucio...are we there yet?

EDWARD: Aha, we are familiar with this Lucio.  Are you one of his men?  Are you part of his army?

PEDRO: His...his army?

EDWARD: Answer quickly, because your life hangs on this question.

PEDRO: Ummm...well, I guess...yeah, I'm part of his army.

EDWARD: Then you will die tonight, because that was the wrong answer.

PEDRO: Oh. I made a mistake, I don't think I'm part of his army, really.

EDWARD: Too late.  The accursed and much-despised Lucio left a note for you.

PEDRO: {Unfolding the note} Good, I hope he's coming back soon...

LUCIO: {Echoey note voice} Hi Pedro, the joke's on you.  I'm not really Lucio.  In fact, I'm Lucio's evil imaginary twin Luciocavallo, pretender to his throne in this dimension of wayward souls.  Maybe later on I'll take over the entire universe and, if I get bored, the universe next door.  I imprisoned Lucio months ago and took control of his kingdom here...maybe he never told you about this.  Goofball.  In any case, I ousted him, imprisoned him, impersonated him, and now I finally have the power to spread my evil over this land.  Surprised?  Ha!  PS: I stole your girlfriend, she's been in love with me for five years now.  When she used to say "gorilla" she was talking about you, ya hairy ape.  Yours truly, Luciocavallo, destroyer of souls.

PEDRO: Wow, I didn't expect this.  Why wasn't this foretold in the Bible Code??

EDWARD: Your bible has no power here, we worship only rocks and sand.  In fact, that's all we eat, so I hope you had lunch before you came.

PEDRO: Rocks and sand?  Oh no!

EDWARD: Plus, we have no chairs.

PEDRO: Luciocavallo, you lied to me!

EDWARD: Stop complaining.  Come, I'll take you to the village and make a spectacle of your slaughter.

PEDRO: Okay.  {FX: Struggling to get up}

EDWARD: Did you enjoy your trip?

PEDRO: I was asleep for most of it.

EDWARD: Your entrance into our world was spectacular.  The shepherds saw you fall from the sky like the Nemean Lion, and they ran in fear.

PEDRO: Hey...what's this all over my shirt?

EDWARD: A shepherd.  He was my father.  Come, we must find safety in the village or we'll be eaten by ants.

PEDRO: What's your name, kind sir?

EDWARD: Edward.  Edward Wearyfeet.  And you?

PEDRO: I'm Pedro.

EDWARD: Pedro, you look like a man long used to the comfort of chairs.  You will not last long in our world.  Especially not since we're going to kill you.

PEDRO: How far away is this village?

EDWARD: Many leagues past the Monstrous Mountains, near the Swamp of Unpleasant Notions.

PEDRO: Oh, okay.  I don't know where that is.

        {FX: Walking, walking, walking}

PEDRO: Hey, do you know the duck song?  {Singing}  Quack-quack-quack!  Quack-quack-quack!

EDWARD: It would be wise to conserve your strength, the journey is long.

PEDRO: Alright, alright.

        {FX: Walking, walking, walking}

PEDRO: How much longer?

EDWARD: Many leagues.

PEDRO: How far is a league, anyway?

EDWARD: A league is very far away.

PEDRO: How many suns do you have in this dimension?

EDWARD: Shut up.

        {FX: Walking, walking}

BEE: {Far away} ...ahoy, travellers!

EDWARD: Thank Granite, it's an interdimensional angel!

PEDRO: Oh no.

BEE: {Getting closer} ...do you have need of my assistance?

EDWARD: Yes, please knock out this man over here, he's annoying me and we still have far to go.

BEE: ...fortunately, we made a breakthrough this morning...our countless years of research have finally been rewarded...the hammer was too expensive for our impoverished planet...so I brought along this big rock...

PEDRO: No...don't hit me with the rock!

BEE: ...you will be happier...

PEDRO: No I won't!  It'll hurt!

BEE: ...us angels help humankind, we don't hurt them...

PEDRO: The hammer hurt!

BEE: {Pause} ...the hammer was part of the old way...now we have this rock...

PEDRO: I refuse.

        {FX: Loud marching band suddenly appears}

PEDRO: Hey, look Edward!  It's a marching band!

        {FX: Crack...Pedro is knocked out.  Marching band echoes away, slowly fade up to cricket sounds...nighttime in the new dimension.  Tony, Louise and Edward are gathered around the unconscious Pedro}

TONY: Oh, my feet...

LOUISE: Quit whining!

TONY: I just want to sit down...

LOUISE: Well you can't.  Are you a man, or a baby?  You aren't even a baby.  A baby will learn that there is no place to sit down.  A baby will remain standing, strong, perhaps leaning against a wall.  But you?  You squat and cry and moan.  {mockingly} "Oh, my feet, my feet."

EDWARD: Louise Erectus speaks true, Tony Brokenarches.  I begin to wonder if you are fit enough to survive the harsh conditions in our dimension.

TONY: I am, really I am.

EDWARD: Then quell your useless sorrows, the stranger awakes.  {Shouting in Pedro's ear} Hello there!

PEDRO: Gah!

EDWARD: Rise and shine!

PEDRO: Ooooh, my head!

EDWARD: Like we say in our village, "your head will stop hurting when we chop it off."

LOUISE: Maybe we should explain to him why we're going to kill him...it might make him happier.

EDWARD: Pedro the Despised, we are going to kill you because we suspect you are in cahoots with Lucio, king of the land.  He used to be just and fair, but he's turned into a cruel dictator, spreading fear and hate among the villages and closing down our factories and putting spikes in the walls so we can no longer lean against them.

TONY: "Cahoots" is a great word.

PEDRO: No, you're wrong!  Lucio didn't turn evil, he's been deposed by his wicked twin brother.

LOUISE: You expect us to believe that?

PEDRO: Yeah, look at this note he left me.

EDWARD: It's written in a language we don't understand.

LOUISE: It's in English.  Few people in this dimension can read English, you ethnocentric prig.

PEDRO: Well, let me read it to you.

EDWARD: It will prove nothing.

PEDRO: No, really, it's all explained in this note here...

LOUISE: Kindly don't use us to reinforce your feelings of superiority.  We may be simple people here in this dimension, but after all of our hardships we're a fighting race...and no doubt stronger than you.

TONY: Yeah, we could take you down, the three of us.

LOUISE: We could clean your clock.

PEDRO: So, if you're all so strong, why don't you rebel or something?  Why not overthrow Luciocavallo once and for all?

EDWARD: {Sadly} Pedro, it pains me to say this. We have not rebelled because we're gutless cowards when faced with a real challenge.

LOUISE: We're scared.

TONY: And our feet hurt.

EDWARD: Our prophets speak of a man who will fall from the sky and lead us in a revolt against Lucio, but sadly, the prophecies are unfulfilled.

PEDRO: But...I just fell out of the sky.

EDWARD: Hmmmm.

LOUISE: The prophets also say that this man will have a special power, one unknown to us here.  A power capable of overthrowing Lucio, once and for all.

TONY: Do you possess such a power?

PEDRO: Well...I'm creepy...

EDWARD: {Shocked gasp!}

LOUISE: The Creepy One From The Sky!

PEDRO: Does this mean you won't kill me?

TONY: Will you lead our people to victory?

PEDRO: Well...will your people actually fight?

EDWARD: No.

LOUISE: We'll stay here and hope for the best.

PEDRO: Will you at least show me how to get there?

TONY: That would be corroboration.  We could be punished.

EDWARD: Yeah, if Lucio ever found out...

TONY: He'd freak.

LOUISE: There is a way, though, Pedro.  In the wastelands of the east, I've heard of a people--

EDWARD: Silence, sister!

TONY: It's forbidden!

LOUISE: We have no choice!  Pedro, in the east there are a group of rebels...they live in the only free territory this side of the Baden Tower.  They call themselves...The Belgians.

PEDRO: Belgians!

EDWARD: Hush, Pedro...it's forbidden to talk of such things.

PEDRO: No, I've met Belgians, they're really cool!

TONY: They are fearsome warriors with many vicious monkeys.

PEDRO: Nahh they're a bunch of sweet people.

LOUISE: {Impressed} You must be strong indeed if you consider the Belgians "sweet."

EDWARD: Okay Pedro.  Here's what you should do.  Seek out the Belgians to the east, and no doubt they will aid you in overthrowing Lucio.  Then we will be free of his reign of terror, and we will reward you handsomely.

LOUISE: We'll feed you our best dirt!

PEDRO: Yum, lemme have some now...

LOUISE: Not until you've defeated Lucio.

PEDRO: Wow.  You know, I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the immensity of this task.  I mean, Luciocavallo sounds like a pretty dangerous guy, he could hurt me.

EDWARD: Overthrow him or die.

PEDRO: I'm goin', I'm goin'...

        {FX: The wind rises, eerie fantasy travel music, heavy on the synth and prog pretensions...gradual fade-in of an exhausted Pedro's footsteps and heavy breathing}

PEDRO: I've been traveling for months.  It seems like all I've done lately is travel from one place to another.  But now...even though the inhabitants of this dimension are by no means pleasant...I crave human companionship.

SAMANTHA: {Far off} Hey you!

PEDRO: {Amazed} Huh...what?  Hello!

SAMANTHA: You want a date?

PEDRO: Samantha!  What are you doing in this dimension?

SAMANTHA: {Getting closer} Not much right now, lookin' for action but this whole place is boring.

PEDRO: {In ridiculous Medieval Fantasy Accent} Forsooth, not much is happening.  Mayhap it's because we're in the Desert of Unearthly Inertia.

SAMANTHA: Oh no, I took a wrong turn!  I was lookin' for K-Mart!

PEDRO: I will do with any oasis, fair Samantha, though Belgium is the object of my endless quest.

SAMANTHA: My name's not Samantha, it's Minnie-Ha-Ha.  And stop talkin' like a fantasy idiot.

PEDRO: Sorry.

SAMANTHA: Did you say Belgium?  I just passed it, it's over here.

PEDRO: Look, Belgium!

SAMANTHA: They don't have a K-Mart, I checked already.  What kind of a stupid country doesn't have a K-Mart?  Where do these people buy mops?

ODETTE: {Just arriving} Excuse me, I am Odette, and in Belgium we buy our mops at the mop store.  In fact, we have every convenience!

SAMANTHA: Savages.

ODETTE: Uf, we are not savages!  We have every convenience!

SAMANTHA: Yeah, and no K-Mart, and I think your country is stupid.

PEDRO: Careful, Minnie-ha-ha, these people are warriors.

ODETTE: And fearless of everything.  Obviously, this woman knows nothing about our culture, or she would run away in terror.

SAMANTHA: Don't be a dummy.  Pedro and I both went to Belgium...how long ago was that?

PEDRO: Four episodes.

SAMANTHA: About four episodes ago an' your spontaneous mob violence isn't scary at all...it's funny.

ODETTE: {Furious} Ooooooo!

PEDRO: What do you want a K-Mart for anyway, Samantha?  I mean, Minnie-ha-ha.

SAMANTHA: I wanna buy deodorant and home supplies!  I just moved in here an' while I don't think I'll be staying on account of there being no chairs, I'd still like to clean my house, ya know.

ODETTE: Oh...we have chairs in Belgium.

PEDRO & SAMANTHA: {Shocked} You do??

ODETTE: {Smug pause} Not so belligerent now, are you.

PEDRO: Seriously, you have chairs?  They're outlawed!  NOBODY in this dimension has chairs!

ODETTE: Nobody except us.  We are not afraid of the cruel dictator Lucio.  We also buy and sell contraband Belgian monkeys here, and wrap them in attractive packaging for delivery to public schools.

PEDRO: Well see, that's what I'm here about...

ODETTE: Aha!  This monkey over here--

PEDRO: No, no, not about the monkeys.  I'm here because of king Lucio.  He's been deposed by his evil twin brother Luciocavallo, and he's the one doing all this bad stuff...not Lucio at all!

ODETTE: You speak of curious things.  You must come and meet the Belgian Freedom Fighters at our BFF headquarters and tell them everything you know.  We've been aching for a fight and this might be just what we're looking for.  Follow me.

SAMANTHA: I've gotta say, Pedro...I don't trust anybody who's never been in a major department store.  What if they need cheap picture frames, huh?  Where do they buy those?

ODETTE: At the Cheap Picture Frame store, suspicious one. And quit talking about me like I'm not here.

SAMANTHA: Sorry.

ODETTE: This is the BFF secret hideout. I will now perform the secret knock.

        {FX: ODETTE knocks three times, every slowly.  Long pause.}

PEDRO: What are you doing?

ODETTE: I am waiting to see if there is a response.  We have many codes and signals which communicate messages like "All clear!" or "Danger!" or "Hide the chairs!"

PEDRO: What's the "Come in" signal?

ODETTE: The "Come in" signal is absolute silence.

SAMANTHA: Well, you've got your signal then...looks like we can go in.

ODETTE: Maybe nobody is home.

SAMANTHA: (Pause) Then they won't mind if we visit while they're away, will they.

ODETTE: {Suddenly violently slamming Samantha against the door} What sort of a dimension do you come from, wench, where it is acceptable to enter another's domain without an invitation?

SAMANTHA: I'm from Earth you freaky-freak!  Get 'yer mitts off me or I'll do THIS to you!

ODETTE: Owwwww!  {With newfound respect} You are indeed a fierce warrior queen!

SAMANTHA: Yeah, well maybe I am, and I think your BFF stands for "Belgian Freaky-Freaks," you Freaky-Freak.  Just don't grab me again or I'll stick you with my gigantic knife...which I got here in my purse...somewhere...

ODETTE: I apologize for my initial antagonism toward you.  It is sometimes the Belgian way.

SAMANTHA: I...ummm...

ODETTE: I officially welcome you in the ranks of fierce Belgian warrior queens.  I give you this trophy as a reward.

SAMANTHA: It's a bowling trophy!  I already got a bunch of these!

ODETTE: Here in Belgium, all of our fierce warrior queens can bowl.

SAMATHA: (Aside) I can bowl like ninety.  I kick ass bowling.

DUBOIS: {Opening front door of the BFF headquarters} Geez, Odette, come IN already!

ODETTE: Dubois!  Why did you not answer my summons?  Is there trouble?

DUBOIS: No, I didn't answer so because that's the "Come In" signal that we all agreed on.

ODETTE: This happens every time!

DUBOIS: Come out of the fog, you three, I've been cooking some Moules et frites with very little Polychlorinated dibenzodioxin.

PEDRO: Yummy!

DUBOIS: Take a seat.

PEDRO: I haven't sat down in so long, I don't know if I remember how.

DUBOIS: Before I give you some of these Moules et frites, perhaps you should tell me who you are?

PEDRO: I'm Pedro, the Creepy One From The Sky, and this is my friend Samantha.  Minnie-Ha-Ha, I mean.

SAMANTHA: I'm a fierce warrior queen.

ODETTE: This one has spent many moons searching for our community, and the other for a K-Mart, but they bring important tidings and possibly an opportunity for fighting.

DUBOIS: Hurray!  Tell us, Creepy One...where is this fight, and how can we aid you?

PEDRO: You know Lucio, king of this dimension--

DUBOIS: A curse on Lucio!  No Moules et frites for him!

PEDRO: --well, apparently Lucio has an identical twin named Luciocavallo, and he's evil!  Luciocavallo locked up Lucio and stole my girlfriend, and he is the one who's been ruling this dimension with an iron fist!  He took away your chairs!

DUBOIS: That dog!  

ODETTE: He deserves a long and painful death.  We must kill this imposter.

PEDRO: Yes!  I'm thinking...since you're all fierce warriors...you could go and kill him.

DUBOIS: But let me ask you this question, Pedro.  If Lucio and Luciocavallo are identical twins...how will we know which one to kill?

PEDRO: Oh.

ODETTE: Yikes.

SAMANTHA: That is a tough one.

DUBOIS: Indeed.  We may very well kill the wrong person.  And it goes without saying, killing innocent people is not the Belgian way.

ODETTE: Except during our Festival Of Random Murder, the first week of spring.

DUBOIS: And it's autumn.

PEDRO: I'd hate to see Lucio get killed.  We've been friends forever, ever since...(significant pause)...you know, I just realized I can't remember my childhood.  Something about being inside a...glass jar?  {Pause} This is so strange, I...I just can't remember being a child, except for...pressing my face against...

ODETTE: (Dismissively) This is not important.  Let's begin our journey to Lucio's Palace of Discomfort now, and we'll think of a plan on the way.  Maybe one of the twins will have a hairy mole or an extra finger, some way of proving his identity to us.  If not...well, the Festival Of Random Murder comes early this year.

DUBOIS: We can take these Moules et frites with us, to remind us of Belgium.

PEDRO: Have fun guys!  Say hi to Lucio for me!

ODETTE: Oh no, Creepy One, you're coming with us.

DUBOIS: You may be the only person who can tell Lucio and his evil twin apart.

PEDRO: But he already fooled me!  He fooled me so well I don't even know how long he's been fooling me!  I'll just get in the way, let me stay in Belgium, I've been travelling for like eight years or something.  I just wanna sit down!

        {Sudden screaming in the streets, pounding on the door}

OLD LADY: {Bursting through the door} Hide your chairs!  Lucio caught wind of our rebellious plans, and has sent his vicious beagle puppies to ravage our country!

DUBOIS: Zut!  Old lady, how many puppies?

OLD LADY: They are the elite guard...at least seven litters, though some of them have been distracted by the squeaky toys.

ODETTE: The elite guard.  We have met them before.  They are deadly.

DUBOIS: Cute as buttons, though.

ODETTE: How did Lucio find out about us?

DUBOIS: {Sudden realization} There must be a traitor here.

ODETTE: Maybe Francois?  I have never trusted Francois...

DUBOIS: Pierre has always had a shifty expression, and several times he even refuses my Moules et frites...

        {The noises in the street grow louder, accompanied by the frenzied yapping of puppies}

ODETTE: Quick!  Down the trap door and into the secret escape tunnel!

SAMANTHA: My nylons!

DUBOIS: Get in!  Get in!

        {General chaos as they crowd into the tunnel}

PEDRO: I don't wanna go!

ODETTE: Move your fat leg, Dubois.

DUBOIS: What's this?

SAMANTHA: Let go of that, you Freaky-Freak PERVERT.

DUBOIS: Yuck!

ODETTE: Keep moving!  Push!  Dubois, move your FAT leg!

    {The trap door closes, and suddenly, silence.  Then, three knocks on the front door of the shack}

DUBOIS: {Pause} That's the secret knock.

ODETTE: {Pause} Well then...we should go back up and answer.  I mean...no, we shouldn't answer

SAMANTHA: Ummm, guys?  Wasn't the secret answer something like not answering?

DUBOIS: Oh, I am confused.

SAMANTHA: You guys are stupid.

ODETTE: Since you are a Fierce Warrior Queen I accept your criticism.  I resign my leadership of the BFF, and hand my bowling trophy to you.

SAMANTHA: What am I gonna do with ANOTHER one?

ODETTE: Do we answer the door, Fearless Leader?

SAMANTHA: I don't care.

PEDRO: I think...

DUBOIS: Yes, Creepy One?

PEDRO: I think...

ODETTE: Lead us.  Share your wisdom.  Without your guidance we are lost.

PEDRO: I think I'm starting to remember my childhood!  I'm remembering the smell of ethyl alcohol and some sort of strong preserving agent.

        {Three more knocks on the front door}

ODETTE: Three more knocks!

DUBOIS: Sacre-bleu!

PEDRO: What does that mean?

DUBOIS: It means the world has ended, or someone wants to borrow some sugar, we never could decide.

OLD LADY: Just MOVE, already!

        {Everybody screams in surprise}

OLD LADY: It's just me, the old lady.  Really, it's a wonder you guys get anything done, the way you carry on. Quit your fussin' and go!

ODETTE: Can you see anything in the secret tunnel, Pedro?

PEDRO: Just black.  Where does it go, anyway?

DUBOIS: We don't know.  It's a secret.

OLD LADY: It goes straight to Lucio's Palace of Discomfort.

ODETTE: {Amazed} How did you know?!

OLD LADY: I'm an old lady!  I've been around a long time and I ain't stupid!

ODETTE: Suddenly I feel insignificant.  Up until today I felt our organization was extremely important and well-prepared.

DUBOIS: {Sudden revelation} We forgot our guns! And our shoes!

ODETTE: Lord almighty, we are dopes!

PEDRO: Wait...stop everyone.  Did you hear that?

OLD LADY: Nope.

SAMANTHA: Hear what?

PEDRO: Listen...

        {Long pause, then distant "squeak-squeak-squeak"}

SAMANTHA: Was that a duck?

PEDRO: A "squeaky duck?"

DUBOIS: Far worse than a duck.

ODETTE: It's a dog toy.  The beagles are down here with us.

PEDRO: Then we should go back.

        {From the opposite direction: "squeak-squeak-squeak"}

DUBOIS: They're behind us!

PEDRO: Then we should just stand here and be terrified.

DUBOIS: I already am!  Down here in the dark...

ODETTE: ...surrounded by beagle puppies...

OLD WOMAN: ...without a plan...

PEDRO: ...or any weapons...

SAMANTHA: {Pause} Did you say "Beagle Puppies?"

        {The squeaking is getting louder}

DUBOIS: They approach.

SAMANTHA: These are like, baby dogs?  I just want to clear up that "puppies" means the same thing in this dimension as it does in every other dimension?

OLD LADY: There is one dimension where "puppies" are a kind of fruit, but here...yes...they are baby dogs, as you say.

SAMANTHA: Oh Christ, you kids are really clueless, you know?  They're freakin' puppies!  C'mon...

DUBOIS: Where does she go?

PEDRO: Watch out, Samantha!

        {Sound of loud thump, and dog running away yipping}

        {Pause}

SAMANTHA: I vanquished the friggin' dog, you can come out now.

        {They start walking}

ODETTE: My respect for her grows.  At one time, I would have said my level of respect was 10 on a scale from one to ten.  Now it has grown further, to the point where "respect" and "admiration" are meaningless words...impotent words.  I'm beginning to love her.

PEDRO: That's sweet.

ODETTE: Am I worthy of her?

PEDRO: I've seen some of the guys she goes out with and they're real losers.

ODETTE: So I might qualify?

PEDRO: Hey Samantha?  Minnie-Ha-Ha?

SAMANTHA: {Exasperated} What now?

        {They stop walking}

PEDRO: Odette here is in love with you, apparently because her respect meter only goes up to 10 and now she's confused.

ODETTE: "Love" is the only word that applies at this point.

SAMANTHA: You have money?

ODETTE: I have no money, I've given it all to the Belgian Freedom Fighters.

SAMANTHA: Then stick it up your nose, you kook.

        {They begin walking again}

ODETTE: Now I love her even more.  My love knows no bounds.  It is all-consuming.  If I had any money, I would stick it up my nose, just to prove my obedience.

PEDRO: Hmmm...has it ever occurred to anybody that life is just a long journey, from one place to another, and that when you finally arrive at your destination, that means you're dead?

SAMANTHA: Here we are, we've arrived.  {They stop walking}  Who's going up the stairs first?

OLD LADY: I will.  I'm an old lady and I don't care if I live or die anymore.  With the fall of the BFF and the destruction of Belgium by the beagle puppies, life has no more surprises for me.

        {She starts to climb the stairs}

TONY, EDWARD & LOUISE: {At the top of the stairs} SURPRISE!

OLD LADY: Gah!

PEDRO: They're Tony, Edward, and Louise...the townsfolk who sent me to destroy Luciocavallo in the first place!

TONY, EDWARD & LOUSE: Ha ha ha!

EDWARD: Don't you understand, Pedro?  It was all a plot!

TONY: Luciocavallo paid us to send you to Belgium so our elite puppy-guard could follow you there, where you'd collect the BFF and lead them into the clutches of the arch-villain himself!

PEDRO: Or whatever would pass for clutches if he actually had hands.

TONY: Exactly!

EDWARD: And now we get to kill you.

TONY: You did everything we wanted you to, and now it's time to die.

EDWARD: Ha ha, stupid Pedro.  Thanks to you, Luciocavallo can rule the entire dimension, without any opposition!

PEDRO: How depressing.

TONY: Oh, not at all, I think it's just great!  I'm not depressed at all, how about you, Ed, Louise?  See, they're not depressed.

SAMANTHA: That's because you've got the guns.

EDWARD: Oh, don't be stupid.

LOUISE: Guns don't make people happy.

EDWARD: Power does, and we've got it!  Scads of it!

SAMANTHA: No you don't.

EDWARD, LOUISE & TONY: Do too!

SAMANTHA: Y'all are just Luciocavallo's bitches.  He's like, "go out and kill my enemies," and you're like "oh sure, master, and afterwards I'll rub your feet--

PEDRO: If he had feet.

SAMANTHA: --and bring you a friggin'..."hot toddy" or somethin' while you lounge around and...and...

PEDRO: Have sex with my mutant girlfriend!

SAMANTHA: Yeah, have sex with Pedro's mutant girlfriend!

OLD LADY: You kids are pussies.

ODETTE: Does he make you fetch his slippers?  Does he sit upon a chair, while you remain standing?

DUBOIS: Does he eat all the Moules et frites?

TONY: Uh-huh.

SAMANTHA: You've got power?  Ha!  Don't make me laugh.

OLD LADY: {Shouting} PUSSIES!

EDWARD: Tony, Louise...let's think about this for a second.

OLD LADY: PUSSIES!  PUSSSIEEEES!

SAMANTHA: Old lady, shut up!

EDWARD: You know...they're kind of right.  Remember last night, when I just finished cleaning out the beagle pen and doing the laundry, and when I came back to the palace he made me do 20 pushups and then stick a fork in my butt?

LOUISE: {Laughing} How you jumped!

TONY: Ed's right...that was mean!  It's like...Ed wasn't getting any respect at all in that situation he just outlined!

EDWARD: And you, Louise...you're BC-12's handmaiden!  You've got to wait on some 3-eyed, toxic freak, 24 hours a day!

LOUISE: {Wearily} Never allowed to sleep, and it's "gorilla, gorilla, gorilla," all the time.

EDWARD: See?  You see what I mean?

TONY: I'm beginning to think we're holding the crappy end of the stick.

PEDRO: You should rebel!  Overthrow the cruel dictator, and set Lucio free!

TONY: But that would mean defeating his entire army!

PEDRO: Well then...how many people are in his army?

TONY: Edward, Louise and I...the three of us.

SAMANTHA: You stupid asses!

TONY: But we're armed.

EDWARD: With fake guns, and I've got this rock that looks like a grenade.

TONY: We could surrender, and drop our weapons.

LOUISE: But if we had no weapons then his army could easily defeat us!  We'd be sitting ducks!

TONY: Yeah, but after that there'd be no more army to defeat!

EDWARD: It's too far-fetched.  It'll never work.

LOUISE: Plus we'd need to kill Luciocavallo, 'cause he's like "The Boss."

SAMANTHA: Does he have weapons?

TONY: Don't be stupid, he doesn't have any hands, he could never hold a weapon.

EDWARD: He's an imaginary friend, he has no body.

TONY: He's totally powerless.

LOUISE: Nice speaking voice, though.

        {Pause}

SAMANTHA: So let me get this straight.  The evil overlord of this world is an imaginary friend, and his army consists of three people without weapons who are contemplating surrendering to themselves?

TONY: Well...there are the beagle puppies...

SAMANTHA: {Yelling}  Yargh!  This dimension is like...it's a dimension of blockheads or something!  You guys make Pedro look smart!

PEDRO: Hey, thanks, Samantha-ha-ha.

SAMANTHA: No more laughing!  Let's go in there and rescue Lucio and go home, I'm sick of this whole stupid place!

ODETTE: Follow our fearless leader!

        {They start charging past Edward, Tony & Louise}

TONY: Edward, stop them!

LOUISE: Tony, now is the time to overthrow the army!  Grab Edward while he's confused!

EDWARD: Stand back, or I'll throw my rock-grenade!

TONY: Curses!  He's on to us!

EDWARD: Drop your weapons and surrender!  This is a military coup!

LOUISE: {Grabbing Tony} Aha!

TONY: Ouch!

LOUISE: I've got you now, Tony!  Traitor!  Gimme your gun!

EDWARD: Louise, stand back or I'll shoot!

TONY: {Now free} Whew, thanks Edward, I thought I was a goner.

LOUISE: You might as well kill me now.  I have decided to destroy Luciocavallo's army and restore freedom to this land.  I will never surrender.

EDWARD: You could join Tony and I, 'cause we're doing the same thing.

LOUISE: Really?  Alright then, let's go!

TONY: To battle!

EDWARD: With each other!

        {They attack each other}

LOUISE: Die, vile oppressor!

EDWARD: Kill her!  Kill her!

TONY: My left arm!

EDWARD: Get him, Louise!

LOUISE: Attack!

        {Battle sounds fade out, Pedro and friends are walking through the dungeons of the palace}

PEDRO: I've had a lot of time to think, recently.  I've been thinking about my childhood.  I'm beginning to realize that it wasn't what you might call a normal childhood.

SAMANTHA: Big whoop.

PEDRO: It was definitely an abnormal childhood.

        {They stop walking}

SAMANTHA: You want abnormal?  Huh?  My daddy sold shoes to blind people, before he ran away, and my other daddy came home every night and made us shave and eat collie!

ODETTE: Goodness, that's horrible.

DUBOIS: Not healthy for a growing child.

ODETTE: What was your mother doing, all this time?

SAMANTHA: Always knitting!  That's all she ever did.  We lived in a knitted house!  And instead of us having normal friends, we had knitted friends!  And a knitted fish for a pet!

OLD LADY: Weird.

PEDRO: Well, I just remembered that I was grown in a test-tube, in a genetic engineering lab, from a tumor that somebody removed from my mother's ovary, and fertilized with spit from my father's saxophone.

        {Pause}

SAMANTHA: You had a real shitty childhood, Pedro.

PEDRO: Yeah. But at least I have a girlfriend now.

OLD LADY: Didn't she fall in love with your mortal enemy?

PEDRO: Oh, right.

OLD LADY: Aren't you six years from home?  Six years from anybody who cares about you or respects you?

PEDRO: Well, nobody cares about me at home...but here I'm the Creepy One From The Sky!

ODETTE: What?

PEDRO: The Creepy One From The Sky!  As was foretold in the prophecies!  My real world might have crumbled around me, but at least I've got this, at least I'm important here.

OLD LADY: That sounds like something those pussies back there made up, just to convince you to march off to your own doom.

PEDRO: Actually, that's exactly what happened.

SAMANTHA: Bummer.

PEDRO: But...but...there's a point to all this, right?  I mean, we're going to overthrow a cruel dictator and liberate this entire dimension, aren't we?

OLD LADY: Haven't we already established that the dictator is an "imaginary friend," with no weapons and no army?

ODETTE: That makes him even more dangerous.  It means he'll be unconventional.

OLD LADY: What will we do when we find him?

        {Silence}

OLD LADY: He's imaginary, so we can't kill him.  We can't even overthrow him.  Pedro, what does he look like?

PEDRO: He doesn't look like anything, you can't see him.  And besides, I'm the only person who can hear him.  Now that I think about it, I'm the only one who even believes in him.

        {Silence}

PEDRO: Why's everybody so quiet?

ODETTE: If he doesn't exist, then who's been oppressing us all these years?

SAMANTHA: Maybe this whole place doesn't exist.  Maybe none of you do.

OLD LADY: See what happens when you introduce a meta-character into a dialogue? Tell me honestly, Pedro...am I just a figment of your imagination?

PEDRO: I don't think so.  I mean, I didn't plan any of this out, it was all Lucio's idea...

OLD LADY: You mean...maybe we're all just figments of Lucio's imagination?

PEDRO: But he's imaginary too!

SAMANTHA: Oh, shit.  I just wanna go home.

OLD LADY: {In extreme despair} Recursion!  Recursion!

DUBOIS: This is why this place is called "The Dungeon of Reciprocal Doubt," I guess.  I never really understood before.  If there was a before.

OLD LADY: Wait a second Dubois...what did you say?

DUBOIS: I'm sorry, don't hit me!

OLD LADY: No, really, what did you just say?  That we're in the "Dungeon of Reciprocal Doubt?"

DUBOIS: Yes, that's the one thing I know for sure...

OLD LADY: Pedro!  It was a trap, and we almost fell for it!  The only thing that could stop us from completing our quest was doubt in the very existence of our quest!

DUBOIS: And now that we recognize the trap for what it is...

PEDRO: We can stop doubting and get on with our mission!

OLD LADY: Onward!

SAMANTHA: But how are we gonna--

OLD LADY: Shut up, tramp!

SAMANTHA: And when we actually--

OLD LADY: Onward!

        {FX: Triumphant into-battle music, fading into ominous "war retrospective" instrumental}

NARRATOR: And thus the battle was joined.  From the Plains of Agony to the Beaches of Timeless Fear, the citizens rose up to stand beside Pedro and his gang of Belgian Freedom Fighters.

DUBOIS: Eat Moules et frites, palace guard, and swallow both of my fists for your dessert!

GUARD: Ooof!

OLD LADY: Onward!

PEDRO: We broke down the doors to the storage room and discovered...millions of chairs!

HUGE CROWD: Hurrah!

PEDRO: The chairs have been liberated!  There's enough for everybody!  Years of cruel oppression have ended!

HUGE CROWD: Hurrah!

NARRATOR: The twin armies clashed, as armies often do.  They clashed in the east, and then they clashed in the west.  Sometimes they clashed directly in the middle, but not usually...there was a tendency for clashes to occur in a more-or-less easterly or westerly direction.

OLD LADY: Onward!

NARRATOR: It was a slaughter. Pedro knew he had the forces of good on his side, and that the forces of good must ALWAYS triumph, no matter the sacrifice.  One-by-one, Luciocavallo's defenses fell before Pedro's relentless onslaught.

ODETTE: {Yelling to a lynch mob| And here she is: BC-12! The traitorous turncoat who kicked her mate to the curb and joined Luciocavallo's campaign of wickedness!

DUBOIS: Harlot!

ODETTE: Kill her!

BC-12: No, wait!  You have saved me, and for that I am eternally grateful!  I have been unfairly imprisoned by the cruel tyrant all this time!  He told me that if I ever tried to escape he would kill Pedro, and since you are my one-and-only beloved... {Beginning to cry} ...I could not risk it!

PEDRO: Awwww, BC-12.

BC-12: No, no, I understand if you do not forgive me.  One of the conditions of my imprisonment was that I become the toy of Luciocavallo's foul lust, which is why I'm wearing this pony harness.  It was torture without end.

{Pause}

SAMANTHA: How come she can talk now?

PEDRO: What?

SAMANTHA: You told me that all she used to say was "Gorilla."  How come she can talk now?

PEDRO: Well, I guess because of...trauma...

ODETTE: Ponygirl shock, maybe?

PEDRO: ...or after all these years she's learned to...um...

DUBOIS: The power of unrequited love? Enchanted Moules et frites?

PEDRO: WAIT!  We're doubting again!  This is exactly what Luciocavallo wants!

SAMANTHA: But--

OLD LADY: Onward!

NARRATOR: With the people liberated and the princess freed there was only one task left to complete.  Pedro and his army surrounded the dictator's stronghold and demanded that justice be done.

PEDRO: Luciocavallo!  Set your twin free and surrender!

LUCIOCAVALLO: {With an evil but pathetic, crackly voice...Rocky Rococo} Never!

PEDRO: If you don't do both of the things that I just outlined a few seconds ago, we'll kill you!

LUCIOCAVALLO: Not before I kill Lucio!  It will be my final revenge!

PEDRO: That sucks!

DUBOIS: You're really evil!

LUCIOCAVALLO: I know!

PEDRO: But don't you see, Dubois? It's GOOD that he's evil...because the forces of justice must ALWAYS triumph over evil!

LUCIOCAVALLO: Nooooooo!

PEDRO: It's true!

SAMANTHA: Is it?

LUCIOCAVALLO: I am undone! Since I am evil, I CANNOT win! That's annoying!

PEDRO: But wait, Luciocavallo. There is ONE way you can win.

DANIEL: This is Daniel Fuzz...is there a caller on the line?  {Buzzing sound}  Is there a caller?

KEVIN: {On the phone} Yeah, yeah, I'm here. This is Kevin.

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