CREEPY PEDRO
Episode Six: A Creepy Parable
{Mataji, the wise old grandmother, is telling a bedtime story to grand-daughters Pavrita and Ludmilla. These three characters are simply Indianised versions of Mrs. Carlisle, Patricia and Lucy).
MATAJI: Now, little ones.. Every night I tell you tales of brave, strong men and women who learned precious lessons about life, lessons that grandmothers have been passing down to grandchildren for generations and generations. Tonight, I will tell you one of my favourite stories, not perhaps as heroic as the Mahabharata, or as spiritually uplifting as the Ramayana...but one which is dear to me just the same, and one full of enlightening wisdom.
LUDMILLA: What is this the story of, Mataji?
PAVRITA: Tell us, Mataji, please!
MATAJI: Children, this is the story of Creepy Pedro, a young man who has learned many harsh things thoughout his many harsh lives...but every time comes back to the simple truth, and a truth all of us must learn in time: ours is a humble life, one of duty and struggle and pain. But if we are ever to become whole and perfect, we must stop the struggle. We must live a life of observance and simplicity, without the human trappings of greed and impatience. We must learn this lesson, and learn it well. Pedro learned it. Can you?
{FX: Mrs. Carlisle is knocking on Pedro's front door, we are outside with her. She's on the front porch with her husband and her two children, Lucy, who is 10, and Patricia, who is a very precocious 13)
MRS: I don't understand it. {Knocking}
PATRICIA: What's there to understand.
MRS: He said he'd be here! He said 8 o'clock sharp, and we've been standing out here for fifteen minutes...
MR: It's a nice porch, though.
MRS: Stop it about the porch, I don't want to hear another word about the porch.
MR: Smell these roses.
MRS: Gah!
LUCY: Daddy, you know mommy doesn't like flowers.
MR: {Chuckling} Oh, I know.
MRS: Where is he?
PATRICIA: Mom, I tell you every time you bring us here. Pedro is irresponsible and cannot be depended on.
MRS: Oh, shush. {Knocking}
PATRICIA: Remember, last time he burned Lucy with chemicals.
LUCY: Acid.
MRS: But you're alright now aren't you, Lucy?
LUCY: {Sullen} Yeah.
PATRICIA: You just get him to babysit us because he's cheap.
MR: And aesexual.
MRS: That's not it at all.
PATRICIA: He puts us in cages.
MRS: Now Patricia, don't tell stories. Is that true, Lucy? Did Pedro ever put you or your sister in a cage?
LUCY: {Giggles}
MRS: See, it's not true. If there are no corraborating witnesses, it simply isn't true. {Knocking, then yelling} Pedro! Pedro, are you home?
PEDRO: {Opening an upstairs window} Be quiet, please!
MR: Pedro! How are ya, sport?
MRS: Let us in!
PEDRO: Just quit knocking, I'm trying to concentrate.
MRS: It's twenty past eight, and we've got a dinner engagement. You're babysitting Lucy and Patricia tonight, remember?
PEDRO: Hey Lucy, Pat.
PATRICIA: Don't call me Pat, you turd.
LUCY: Hi, Pedro.
MR: So how's about opening the door so we can unload the kids and skeedaddle?
PEDRO: I'm meditating.
MR: Can't you meditate later?
PEDRO: I'd really rather meditate right now.
{Pause}
MRS: {Angry} Do something, you coward.
MR: Umm.
PEDRO: Would you like me to quickly come downstairs and open the door, and then finish meditating?
MR: Oh...yeah, Pedro! That's a great idea.
PEDRO: Just a second, I'll be right down!
{Pause}
LUCY: I'm cold.
MRS: It's getting very, very late.
PATRICIA: Maybe this will teach you a lesson, mom. Maybe next time you'll get us a normal babysitter.
{Pause}
PATRICIA: Did you hear me, mom?
MRS: Sorry, darling, what did you say?
PATRICIA: I said, maybe next time you'll get us a normal babysitter.
MRS: Oh, who's to say what's normal and what's abnormal, really. It's all relative.
{FX: Another window opens. Pedro is closer this time, but still far away}
MR: Pedro, sport! How are ya!
MRS: Open the door Pedro, we've got to get going.
PEDRO: Would it be too much of an inconvenience if I finished meditating right here, with my head out the window?
PATRICIA: That is abnormal.
PEDRO: It won't take long, I was almost finished.
MRS: Please hurry, Pedro.
PEDRO: I will...just be quiet.
{Pause: crickets, crickets and more crickets}
MR: {Clears his throat}
MRS: Are you done yet?
PEDRO: Oh, I hadn't started, I was waiting to make sure it was alright with you.
MR: Of course, son, go ahead!
PEDRO: Okay, I'm meditating now.
PATRICIA: Finally.
PEDRO: Uh-oh, you distracted me, I'll have to start all over again.
MRS: Patricia!
PATRICIA: Can't you see? There's no winning with him. No matter what you do, you lose.
MRS: Don't act all grown up with me, missy.
LUCY: I'm cold.
PEDRO: Okay, from the top. Ommmmmmmm... {continues over their bickering}
MRS: Get out of that chair, you lush, and knock the door down!
MR: Look at these plastic tables
{FX: Creepy Pedro theme music fades in. Can we include a sitar this time?}
{FX: Pedro and the girls are entering the house, they are taking their shoes off, etc.}
PEDRO: Your mother seemed anxious.
PATRICIA: She's never had much respect for Eastern religions.
PEDRO: I have a feeling her antipathy goes deeper than that.
PATRICIA: She was very angry when you threw a bucket of cold water on her and screamed "SHUT UP!"
PEDRO: Well geez, it's my property.
LUCY: Where's the cage, Pedro?
PEDRO: Forget about the cage, we're on a tight schedule tonight. It's almost ten and we still need to figure out how to get to the theater!
LUCY: Are we going to see a play?
PEDRO: Well, not really. It's more of a "happening."
PATRICIA: This isn't that bozo stupid dadaist performance work you've been hacking away at, "The Reluctant Barber" or whatever.
PEDRO: Yes, it opens tonight.
PATRICIA: Please say we don't have to go.
PEDRO: Everybody into the car!
PATRICIA: You don't know how to drive.
PEDRO: I've just decided, even taking that fact into consideration, it's still the best way to get there.
PATRICIA: You'll get into an accident and kill us all.
PEDRO: You're such a negative little girl, always so full of negative energy.
PATRICIA: I feel pretty negatively about getting burnt to a crisp in a fiery car crash because my creepy babysitter doesn't know how to drive and he's late for some dumb play that nobody--
PEDRO: A happening, it's a happening not a play.
PATRICIA: --some dumb happening that nobody's going to show up for anyway.
{Pause}
PEDRO: Well, thank you for the synopsis, Patricia.
LUCY: I want to see Pedro's play.
PEDRO: You take after your father, Lucy.
LUCY: {Impersonating her dad with a deep voice} "Where is the booze. Where is the booze." {Chuckling and ad-libbing dad-isms as she wanders off through the house, Pedro & Patricia keep talking}
PATRICIA: If you insist that my sister and I allow you to drive us to our certain deaths, I'm going to call my parents and rat on you.
PEDRO: Go ahead. Here, put your coat on.
PATRICIA: I'll really do it.
PEDRO: No problem, call them.
PATRICIA: {Threatening} I'm gonna.
PEDRO: Here's the phone. Just hurry up, we're late.
LUCY: {Running up} Are you calling mom?
PATRICIA: {Doubtful} Umm, yes.
{Pause, Pedro starts to whistle}
LUCY: Are you going to call mom?
PATRICIA: Yes, Lucy, I am. {Patricia dials}
LUCY: Ask her if she's going to buy us a puppy. Ask her why snakes have no legs.
PATRICIA: {To Lucy} Shush. {Into phone} Hi, Mom? It's me. {Pause} Patricia. {Pause} The eldest daughter. Umm...Pedro is going to drive us to see some stupid play he's writing and-- {Pause} ...just a second, I'll ask. {To Pedro} Is the car reliable?
PEDRO: I haven't stolen it yet, I don't know.
PATRICIA: She's very concerned about the safety of the car, Pedro.
PEDRO: Well, I'll just have to say...it probably won't be reliable, no.
PATRICIA: {Into the phone} No mom, Pedro says he doesn't know which car he'll try to steal, but it probably won't be reliable. {Pause, then, crestfallen} Oh. Thanks for your concern. Bye.
{FX: Hangs up phone}
PATRICIA: She said "Dress warmly."
PEDRO: We will.
LUCY: When is she buying us the puppy?
PEDRO: Here, take your coat, it's cold outside.
PATRICIA: We're all going to die.
PEDRO: But we'll have fun.
{FX: Door closes, and we follow PEDRO, LUCY & PATRICIA outside. Quiet, winter, night-time suburban sounds. A dog barks in the distance, sounds of cars driving through slush far away. Their footsteps squish through the snow...}
PATRICIA: Now, where does one find a car to steal in suburbia?
PEDRO: In consideration of your safety, I've decided to find a green car with a nice odometer.
PATRICIA: Thanks.
LUCY: Are there wolves out here, Pedro?
PEDRO: Yes. Hey, look! That's a nice car. Let's take it.
PATRICIA: {droll} It sure is a sporty little number.
PEDRO: {Trying door handle} Shoot, it's locked. We'll have to resort to desperate measures. Here, Patricia, hold this.
PATRICIA: What's in it? {Shakes object, something big inside a cardboard box}
PEDRO: You'll never guess. I'm bringing it along tonight, just in case...well...just in case. Anyway. {Pedro walks around to the side of the car} Aha, the gas tank. Now, I'll just insert this plastic tube...
PATRICIA: Why?
PEDRO: ...there we go, that should do nicely. Hee-hee. Okay, here I go...you girls watch out for the police.
{FX: Pedro starts siphoning the gas, sucking it up the tube and spitting it out.}
LUCY: Are there really wolves out here?
PATRICIA: Don't be stupid.
LUCY: How do they get people inside of blimps?
PATRICIA: There is usually some kind of access hatch, in the nosecone.
LUCY: Why is snow white?
PATRICIA: It isn't really white, it's totally transparent, and all of the refractions make it appear white.
LUCY: What happens if the universe collapses?
PATRICIA: According to string theory, or classical physics?
LUCY: According to...hee hee...according to the Big Boom Farty theory. {Starts giggling}
PATRICIA: You're such a stupid little kid, why don't you grow up?
PEDRO: There, whew! I think the tank's empty.
PATRICIA: What good's that going to do us?
PEDRO: Woo. I feel a little woozy.
PATRICIA: How is emptying the gas tank going to help us get into the car?
PEDRO: Well, I was thinking that if I emptied out the gas tank, it would...then we could...ummm...
PATRICIA: I didn't think there was a point.
PEDRO: {Angry and embarassed} Gimme back my box. Let's go see Stinky, she has a car.
LUCY: Yay, Stinky!
{FX: Pedro knocking on Stinky's door}
STINKY: {Behind door, approaching slowly} Just a minute, Scully, I'll be right there. {Door opens} Oh, Pedro, I wasn't expectin' ya. If I'd known you were comin', I woulda put on my special duds and baked a cake.
PEDRO: That's okay, Stinky. Can we borrow your car?
STINKY: Come in, come in.
PEDRO: We just want your car.
STINKY: Have some warm milk, it'll wash the gasoline down.
PEDRO: We really need to be going--
STINKY: Are you telling me, Pedro, after all we've been through together...that you take the car of a lonely old woman, and not even offer her a few moments of pleasure?
PEDRO: Well...
LUCY: Can I play with your vintage collection of lemon-head dolls, Stinky?
STINKY: Of course, darlin'! Shoo!
LUCY: {Running away} Yay!
STINKY: Awww, it warms my heart to see her little pigtails flappin' like that. Well, since I don't have time to put on my special duds and bake a cake, let's just sit around the fire and chaw a little. {They sit down} Of course, I'm too old to have another young 'un, my womb all dried up and fallen out like some kinda dried-up fruit...
PATRICIA: {Disturbed} Oh...
STINKY: Here, sweetie, have some candy.
PATRICIA: Thanks {Reaches for the candy, and Stinky grabs her hand} Ow! Stinky!
STINKY: Hold still!
PATRICIA: What're you DOING?
STINKY: I'm reading your palm, lemme see...
PATRICIA: Ouch! Pedro, help!
PEDRO: {Not paying attention} Is this your womb on the television set, Stinky?
STINKY: Quit squirming, octopus child!
PATRICIA: You're hurting me!
STINKY: See this line right here? This means you're gonna die, or you'll buy a new house.
PATRICIA: Lucy! Lucy!
STINKY: Pretty strong for an old lady, ain't I? Heh-heh.
PATRICIA: Stop it! Get off me! GET OFF!
STINKY: Now this little forked line, over here... {she grunts} ...this line stops here because you didn't finish your book report!
PEDRO: Aw, Patricia, you didn't do your homework? Your mom's gonna kill me!
{Patricia is crying by this time}
STINKY: You're a bad, bad little girl! A terrible, thoughtless, neglectful brat!
PEDRO: Ummm, Stinky, maybe you're being too hard on her now.
STINKY: {Chuckling} Aw, Pedro, it's just that I miss havin' young 'uns around. Such a delight they are!
LUCY: Can I have this lemon-head doll, Stinky?
STINKY: Why of course you can, Lucy!
LUCY: She has a pretty necklace.
STINKY: She certainly does. But you must remember NEVER to remove it, or the spirit inside her will be let loose, and she'll go on a mad killing spree.
LUCY: Okay! "Why hello there, little dolly. What is your name?"
DOLL: {In a deep male voice} Brad.
PEDRO: Can we borrow your car now, Stinky?
STINKY: Of course you can! Come back any time, kids! {To Patricia, who is still weeping} Awww, c'mere little girl, I'm sorry. Sometimes I get carried away, I'm so happy to see visitors. Here, let me give you a kiss.
PATRICIA: OWWWW!
{Stinky begins laughing like a maniac}
PEDRO: Okay everybody, let's go!
PATRICIA: {Hysterically} She bit me! Ow, ow, my lip! Ohhhhh...
LUCY: {Fading away as they walk to the garage} "And how are you doing today, pretty little dolly?"
DOLL: Comme-ci, comme-ca.
{FX: They are in Stinky's ancient car, puttering down the road through a series of near-misses}
PEDRO: Okay, Patricia, cheer up.
PATRICIA: {Angry now} That freakin' old lady!
PEDRO: She's got no friends except aliens and demons, she doesn't know how to act around humans anymore.
PATRICIA: She said she was gonna kiss me, and she bit me instead!
PEDRO: That's what aliens and demons do.
LUCY: Hey there dolly, I sure like your necklace.
DOLL: Take it off me.
LUCY: But...but... {quietly} Stinky told me NEVER to take it off you, or you'd go on a mad killing spree!
DOLL: Fine. Take it off, don't take it off, what do I care?
LUCY: Okay, let's play house instead.
DOLL: Only if I can be the daddy.
LUCY: Alright.
DOLL: {Playing} "Wow, I just came home from the presidential conference, and I am tired, sweetie."
LUCY: "I was awake all day putting things into cans."
DOLL: "Take off my necklace, please."
LUCY: {Not playing anymore} No. I already told you, I won't.
DOLL: Please.
LUCY: No! It's dangerous!
DOLL: Let's play store then.
LUCY: Alright! "Oh, look at my lovely store, with so many pretty things in it! And how are you today, sir?"
DOLL: "Tired."
LUCY: "Can I interest you in a Christmas turkey?"
DOLL: "No, I would like to buy a new necklace, this one is no longer in style. Would you take it off of me, so I can try another one on?"
LUCY: Hey, doll, you're trying to trick me, I'm not a dummy.
DOLL: Whatever.
LUCY: {Playing again} "Sir, is there anything else you'd like to look at in my store?"
{Pause}
LUCY: "Sir?" {Pause} Hey, doll, play with me.
DOLL: I'm not going to play, I've been insulted and your store is stupid.
PEDRO: {Calling back} Hey, Lucy, let's pretend the car isn't really a car...let's pretend it's a magic carpet! {He takes his hands off the wheel} Whooooooo!
PATRICIA: Pedro, put your hands on the wheel!
PEDRO: There is no wheel, this is a flying carpet! Whoooooooo!
PATRICIA: Stop screwing around! Pedro! Look out for the garbage truck!
{Squealing brakes as their car crashes into the back of a garbage truck, everybody screams. CRASH!}
{Several seconds of post-crash noise, tinkling glass, we want the listener to wonder: was this it? Are they all dead?}
PATRICIA: {Woozy and in a bit of pain} Ohhhhhhhh... {More tinkling glass}
LUCY: My nose. Ouch, Patricia, my nose.
PATRICIA: Are you okay, Lucy?
LUCY: I'm upside down...
PATRICIA: Mom will be so pissed off.
LUCY: I lost my dolly.
PATRICIA: Well, Pedro, it looks like you really did it this time. You drove into the back of a garbage truck and almost killed two little kids, are you finally happy? Are you finally done?
LUCY: ...is Pedro dead?
PATRICIA: His eyes are open. I don't think he's dead. {Pause} Pedro? Hey, wake up.
PEDRO: I'm just thinking.
PATRICIA: Thinking about your next 20 years in prison, I bet.
PEDRO: No.
PATRICIA: Thinking about what my dad's gonna do when he finds out? And how Stinky's gonna send some kind of Pumpkinhead monster after you for totalling her car?
PEDRO: No.
LUCY: Can I guess? Pedro, can I guess what you're thinking?
PEDRO: I'm thinking of what my Swami said to me, in a Belgian ashram.
LUCY: Did he say "Yoop, yoop," Pedro?
PATRICIA: Lucy, it's not nice to make fun of the way people speak in foreign countries.
PEDRO: He said, "Pedro, you've chosen a difficult path. You're dumb enough to be annoying, but not so dumb that you'll be locked up someplace where you can't hurt yourself or others. Such is your fate, Pedro. It will lead you to glory, or to pain and sorrow."
LUCY: So what did you say?
PEDRO: I said, "Swami, I didn't choose to be creepy! It just happened! Six lives ago, when I dropped a baby into the fire while doing my pooja, and Shiva cursed me with creepiness...I didn't choose that! Aren't six creepy lives enough? If I do something really enlightened in this life -- like put on a dada-ist piece of performance art, for example -- shouldn't I finally be reborn as a normal person?"
PATRICIA: {Pause} And what did he say, Pedro?
PEDRO: {Pause} He yelled "YOOP YOOP!" and did a weird kind of dance, and I realized he was crazy. So let's go.
PATRICIA: That's a real sad story.
PEDRO: It didn't happen, it's part of my play. Let's get out of the crushed car, everybody!
LUCY: {Undoes her seatbelt and falls, to the ceiling of the car because it's upside down, afterall} Well, my dolly's gone, but here's her pretty necklace at least.
PATRICIA: Help me out, Pedro!
PEDRO: What am I, your babysitter?
PATRICIA: Yes, reluctant as I am to admit it.
PEDRO: {Pulling her out} UP-si-daisey! Oh... {He shakes the box he rescued from the car} at least my mysterious box survived the crash. This might come in handy.
BHIMA: {Standing on the sidewalk} Hey, Pedro, how's it going?
PEDRO: Bhima! My favourite Pandava!
BHIMA: You're only saying that because I'm the only one who agreed to be in your play.
PEDRO: No, I really like you, because you're strong.
PATRICIA: Who are you?
BHIMA: I'm the son of Pandu. I broke Duryodhana's shins with this mace thousands of years ago. I also drive a garbage truck.
LUCY: You only won that fight because you cheated.
BHIMA: Shut up, or I'll break your shins too.
LUCY: Alright, alright.
PEDRO: Having a bad night, Bhima?
BHIMA: Well, I'm a little confused about your play, Pedro. I mean, I know it's supposed to be a little weird, and that it doesn't make any sense, but I am having trouble empathising with my character. I don't even understand why my character's in the play. In fact, I think you included my character as a big, lame joke.
PEDRO: You jest!
BHIMA: All my dialogue is just stupid puns based on my name. Like when I say to Geri Halliwell "Be my, Bhima baby, my one and only baby..."
PEDRO: Speaking of Geri, has she broken her vow of silence yet?
BHIMA: No she hasn't, and it is surely a terrible vow. She speaks only with her expressive eyes, which will be difficult for the audience to appreciate.
LUCY: O greatest of the Pandavas, I lost my dolly, have you seen it?
BHIMA: It ran right past me, just before you got out of the car. Pretty fast, for a doll.
PATRICIA: Look, footprints!
PEDRO: Alright everybody, into the theatre, we've got a lot of work to do!
LUCY: {Hustling in} Besides, you're not the greatest of the Pandavas at all.
BHIMA: You want me to break your neck?
LUCY: Just try it, cheater.
PATRICIA: Wait a second. If that doll is going to go on a mad killing spree -- like Stinky said -- I don't know if I want to be in the theatre with it. Like, maybe it would be prudent to stay outside? Guys? {Pause} Hey, wait up...
{FX: Dramatic music}
{FX: Loud music, Cole Porter's "Another Op'ning, Another Show"}
PEDRO: Ah, opening night! The excited last-minute buzz of actors, dancers, men and women adding the final touches to a glorious show! Smell the air!
SCHULTZ: It's fear.
PEDRO: Hey, Catherine! Everybody, this is Catherine Schultz, my production assistant.
PATRICIA: Pleased to meet you.
LUCY: Enchanted.
SCHULTZ: I would like to curtsey, but I am frozen with terror. Please don't think I am impolite. I feel a scream locked in my throat. It's a really big scream. It wants to get out.
PEDRO: Let it out.
SCHULTZ: It won't come out, it's too big. It sometimes escapes in tiny exhalations of breath that nobody else can hear.
LUCY: Why are you scared? Because of my dolly?
SCHULTZ: Please, don't introduce any more unknown variables into this nightmarish equation. Pedro. The show will fail. We aren't ready. The audience will riot. The script hasn't been written. Geri Halliwell won't speak. The movers dropped our 300-pound fiberglass swan and broke it. The British schoolchildren you imported are smoking crack. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
JACKIE: Excuse me, Pedro, Ms. Schultz...
PEDRO: Everybody, this is Jacqueline O'Neal, my principal dancer.
JACKIE: I just broke my foot.
SCHULTZ: {A tiny bit of the scream escapes} ...ehhhhh.
PEDRO: We always have Meena, your understudy.
JACKIE: The swan fell on her.
PEDRO: Can Geri dance?
JACKIE: No.
PEDRO: {Pause} Well, no dancing then! The play will take place in a bunker, instead of a ballroom. Catherine, please get me a drink and a typewriter. I swallowed gasoline earlier this evening.
{SCHULTZ wanders off in a daze}
PATRICIA: Looks like it's falling apart, Pedro.
PEDRO: Don't be silly, everything is coming together. We'll figure something out. Creativity thrives under the gun. Bhima, can any of the other Pandavas dance?
BHIMA: I've already told you, Arjuna doesn't want to be in your play.
PEDRO: Alright, I'll give you another line to replace the dancing. You'll say to Geri, "please, will you bhima valentine?"
BHIMA: No!
PEDRO: {Calling to his assistants} Call the prop department! We need a giantic heart made out of living flesh, 70-feet high, and when Bhima hits it with his mace, it must bleed!
{FX: Assistants groan and protest, Bhima mutters angrily as he wanders off}
PEDRO: Chop chop, everybody! We're on in 15 minutes!
PATRICIA: Where did you get all this money from, Pedro? You've rented a theatre and hired all these people, and you've got all these props...this must have cost a fortune!
PEDRO: {Laughing} Yes, it's been a very costly venture.
PATRICIA: So...how did you do it? Did you get a paper route or something?
PEDRO: {Quietly} Well...it's a bit of a secret...
LUCY: A secret! Yay! I've never been so excited!
PEDRO: {Pause} Jackie, would you please give Lucy a tour of the theatre?
JACKIE: Come along, little one.
LUCY: Can I see the popcorn machine? Can I see the furnace?
JACKIE: Of course!
LUCY: Yay! I've never been so excited! {They wander off on their tour}
PATRICIA: Okay, so tell me. What's the secret? Where did you get the money?
PEDRO: Well, I'm a little confused about that. You know how, sometimes, when you're using the internet and you stumble upon some crazy website run by a guy with a sexual fetish that you yourself have never experienced -- let alone even imagined -- and it makes such an impression on you that you start to confuse yourself with that guy, and you can't trust your own memories anymore, and eventually you don't know if you're remembering things you did, or just things you read about on somebody else's website?
PATRICIA: Actually, I don't know what that's like at all.
PEDRO: This all ties in to where I got the money. What I mean is...there are two possibilities.
PATRICIA: {Pause...then, quiety} ...which are...?
PEDRO: Either I sold my body for a huge sum of money, or I got a loan from a bunch of adult babies.
PATRICIA: An "adult baby," what's that?
LUCY: {Sneaking up on them} It's a grown-up man who dresses like a baby and poops in his diapers.
PATRICIA: Lucy!
LUCY: I saw it on TV.
PATRICIA: I thought you were getting a tour of the theater!
LUCY: I gave that lady the slip. She's got a broken foot so she can't run. Besides, I want to hear the secret!
PEDRO: Alright, alright...the way I remember it, it happened last week during the festival of Holi, down the street in Miniature India...
{FX:
Dreamy flashback music}
{FX: Huge celebration, shouts of joy, whooping & hollering in Hindi}
PEDRO: (Excited} Holy cow, this is just like my past lives! Elephants! Carousels! Samosas! Indian people! What a glorious celebration! Look, there's Ganesh! {He walks into Samantha}
SAMANTHA: Uf! Hey, watch where you're going, ya goof.
PEDRO: Samantha-ji! Tum! What are you doing here?
SAMANTHA: I'm looking for a date, and my name's Basanti, you know. Mera namn Basanti.
PEDRO: Oh, pardon me. But...do you think that looking for a date during this sacred festival is the right thing to do?
SAMANTHA: I felt kind of bad about that myself, so I put this dot on my head.
PEDRO: Pretty lotus blossom!.
SAMANTHA: Hands off, rascal! {To the crowd} Hey, anybody wanna go out with me and celebrate spring? I've got beer!
ERNEST: {A quiet Indian man approaches Pedro & Samantha} Excuse me, can somebody please direct me to the adult baby seminar?
SAMANTHA: Who wants to know?
ERNEST: {Nervous} I'm...ummm...I'm not an adult baby myself, I'm just doing some research for...ummm...
SAMANTHA: Liar! You can't fool me, you've got a diaper bulge in your lungi, you're an adult baby, just admit it.
PEDRO: Wow, I've never met a man wearing a diaper under his lungi before.
ERNEST: Actually, us adult babies are all over the place. Many prominent world leaders wear diapers. We have a proud and unsullied culture that transcends all borders of geography, ethnicity, and socio-economic status. We even have a secret call! Listen. {He cups his hands around his mouth and shouts} BALOO! BALOO!
{FX: Multiple, far off cries of "Baloo! Baloo!" echo back from the distant crowd}
PEDRO: Golly.
ERNEST: You two can come to the seminar with me, if you like.
PEDRO: But we won't fit in!
ERNEST: Here, take these bottles {He rummages around in a satchel}
PEDRO: Besides, you don't know where the seminar is.
ERNEST: Let me just put on my Global Positioning Bonnet {He puts on a hat, squeaky radio tuning noises, then a steady beeping pulse} Aha, it's this way!
PEDRO: Well, I'm always open to new experiences. Are you coming, Samantha?
SAMANTHA: Are the people at the seminar rich, and are they looking for mommies?
ERNEST: Oh, certainly.
SAMANTHA: Alright, I'm in!
ERNEST: Okay, follow me... {the beeping noise gets faster as they get closer to the seminar}
{FX: Holi sounds fade out, now the sound of a big, echoey hotel conference room. RISHI is at the door, greeting people}
RISHI: Ah, Ernest! You're the last to arrive! We were beginning to wonder if our beacon wasn't working.
ERNEST: Rishi, good to see you again! I've brought some friends, if you don't mind.
PEDRO: We're neophytes.
SAMANTHA: Look, here's my bottle.
RISHI: Just let me stamp it... {he stamps her bottle} ...alright then, come in, come in! We can finally get started! Our chairman, Baby Pinky, is ready to speak!
{FX: Sudden, enthusiastic applause, and cries of "Baloo! Baloo!" as the chairman gets on stage}
BABY PINKY: {Extremely dignified} Thank you, thank you, and baloo baloo to everyone out there. So glad you could come. We've made enormous strides during the first quarter in the fields of economics, politics, and aerodynamics. Our hardware has been installed in over 730 agencies in the eastern latitudes, and I'm proud to report a 750% conversion rate!
{FX: Wild, wild applause}
BABY PINKY: This just in, according to the chief minister: nobody suspects a thing.
{FX: More applause}
BABY PINKY: Notice that I didn't say "almost nobody suspects a thing," or "very few suspect." I said "nobody suspects a thing!" {APPLAUSE!} How about them apples! Hello, world, we haven't just been sitting around in our cribs doing nothing for the last six months!
{FX: "Baloo! Baloo!"}
BABY PINKY: Ahhhh, it is a beautiful thing, a beautiful thing indeed. Now, I'd like to hand over the stage to a lady who needs no introduction, the only "non-adult baby" we can all trust...STINKY BERLIN!
{FX: Applause}
PEDRO: Stinky??
ERNEST: You know this earthling?
PEDRO: She's my neighbour, she's...
STINKY: Hello, adult babies. Nice to hear everything's goin' fine, and you're takin' my advice about the atmosphere. I'd like to say a few words about this "adult baby assassin" who's stirrin' up a lot of hoopla and shootin' ya dead and cuttin' off yer wee-wee's. I've-- {long pause} Pedro! What're you doin' here? {Pause} Don't pretend I'm not talkin' to ya boy, stand up!
PEDRO: {Standing} Ummmm...
STINKY: Shouldn't you be at home causin' mischief, instead-a pokin' yer nose into other people's business?
PEDRO: Well...it's the first day of Holi...and I wanted to see Ganesh...
STINKY: So you decided to just...saunter into a private seminar an' hear a lot of news that ain't fit fer ya? Lemme tell ya, Pedro, you could be killed because of what you know now.
PEDRO: I just...I only wanted...
SAMANTHA: {Trying to be clever} FIRE! EVERYBODY RUN, THERE'S A FIRE IN THE HOTEL!
STINKY: Oh, shush up, Samantha, there's no fire.
SAMANTHA: Ummm, POISONOUS CLOUD! {Pause, silence} SHEEP! {Pause, silence} Okay, I'll sit down.
STINKY: I asked you a question, Pedro.
PEDRO: I was just curious. I don't remember nothin, just something about a 750% conversion rate...
{FX: Shocked inhalation of breath}
SAMANTHA: {Standing up again} I'm leaving, Pedro, good luck. Hey, anybody lookin' for a mommy?
FAR-OFF ANONYMOUS CROWD MEMBER: Escape while you can!
SAMANTHA: Jeez, what a waste of my time. {She leaves}
STINKY: What are we going to do with you, Pedro. You're in MIGHTY big trouble.
PEDRO: {Suddenly, inexplicably pulls out some guns} Alright, BACK OFF everybody! See these guns? I've got bombs too. GIGANTIC bombs! If anybody gets close to me, WE ALL die!
{FX: General, worried crowd panic}
STINKY: But Pedro...what...
PEDRO: You thought you had it all figured out, didn't you Stinky. Betray the human race, pledge allegiance to the dark forces you've been working for all along... during the sacred festival of Holi no less! But what about the CHILDREN, Stinky? What about the innocent CHILDREN OF EARTH? I won't stand by to see them enslaved by these diapered demons, all for your enjoyment, all because your womb dried up and fell out, all because of your base, petty bitterness. Yes, bitterness, because I drove your car into a garbage truck. You'd SELL OUT THE WORLD for your withered old personal vendettas and regrets. Well, I won't stand for it! I came here today to make sure that you PAY FOR THESE CRIMES! I'M GONNA KILL YOU, STINKY!
{FX: During this speech, the auditorium ambiance has reverted back to backstage, where Pedro is telling the story.}
PATRICIA: But Pedro --
PEDRO: Blam blam! I gave her two shots to the head, and she went down in a spray of blood and perfume. Blam blam! Execution-style murder! Bloodshed! Revenge!
PATRICIA: Pedro --
PEDRO: They came at me like rats, pointing their laser-powered pacifiers, diapers mutating into the strange creatures they foster in their loins, tentacles snapping and reaching--
PATRICIA: Pedro!
PEDRO: --they--
PATRICIA: Oh, shut up. This isn't true at all. You said it all happened last week, but you didn't even wreck Stinky's car until a few minutes ago.
LUCY: Yeah, and Stinky was still alive when we took it.
PEDRO: {Pause} Catherine! Where's Catherine, my production assistant...
CATHERINE: Right here, Pedro.
PEDRO: Get me a typewriter! The scene with the adult babies has to go, turns out none of it ever happened. Instead, we'll do a sort of Peter Pan / Captain Ahab thing.
PATRICIA: I think you need a rest, Pedro. You're getting all worked up.
PEDRO: The play starts in five minutes! Of course I'm worked up! It's finally sunk in that we're on the brink of disaster!
PATRICIA: Try meditating.
PEDRO: Om...om...ohhhhmyGod WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! {He begins to hyperventilate}
LUCY: We all die sometime. It's part of the vast universal karmic wheel.
PATRICIA: Just ask Bhima.
BHIMA: {Shrugs} I don't know anything about that. They just told me who to hit, and then I hit them.
PATRICIA: Does anybody have any comforting words for Pedro? He's having a panic attack.
CATHERINE: Here's your typewriter, Pedro. The audience has arrived. They look hardened and sceptical. Reporters are here from the Village Voice and The New Yorker. The 70-foot-high heart made of living flesh fell over and crushed Geri Halliwell.
PEDRO: Krishna! Krishna, help me!
CATHERINE: Krishna returned your invitation unopened, and Lakshmi said she had better things to do than bless your stupid play. The people you sold your body to in order to finance this show just called and said they're coming to collect you. An assassin has killed 4 audience members, removed their diapers, and cut off their wee-wee's. The popcorn machine exploded.
PEDRO: Oh, it's a disaster, I am ruined.
PATRICIA: We should have stayed home.
LUCY: Tonight is not an auspicious night.
CATHERINE: Death.
{FX: Long pause}
PEDRO: Well, I guess I'm lined up for a seventh creepy life, then. Round and round it goes.
BHIMA: Maybe if you go back in time, and make sure that you don't drop that baby into the fire, none of this will ever happen?
PEDRO: Aw, I've tried that, it never works. And besides, I need Lucio in order to go back in time, and he's on vacation.
PATRICIA: I have to admit, you're in a pickle.
LUCY: What about suicide?
PEDRO: {Head in his hands} It's a sin. Only a miracle will save my play.
PATRICIA: {Calling out} Can anybody here perform miracles?
HOLY MAN: {Walking out of the crowd} I can. I'm a holy man. I came all the way from Delhi to see Pedro's play and it would be a shame if I came for nothing. There isn't even any popcorn.
PEDRO: O wise one, how many more lives must I suffer?
HOLY MAN: Until you have atoned for your transgressions, or you smarten up.
PATRICIA: So like, forever.
PEDRO: I thought that doing this deed -- putting on a play in order to enrich the lives of people all over the world -- would help me atone. I was doing this unselfishly. I didn't expect a rain of flowers or a boon from the Gods...I just...{breaking down again}...I just don't wanna be creepy anymore!
HOLY MAN: But Pedro...have you ever considered that creepiness itself is a boon?
PATRICIA: Oh, you're kidding.
PEDRO: ...a boon?
HOLY MAN: Yes. Many great Indian heroes were creepy. One of them was a flying monkey. Arjuna went around in drag, for goodness sake. And look at all the good they managed to do!
PEDRO: But...how should I use this boon, holy man?
HOLY MAN: What am I, Baghwan? That is something for you to decide. Do you use this boon for good? Or for evil? Only you can choose.
LUCY: Pedro, use your boon to get me a pony! And icecream!
PEDRO: Hush, little one, boons must not be used frivolously.
PATRICIA: I still don't get it. "Creepiness" isn't some kind of shakti weapon that you can just point and kill people with. Creepiness is something you just are. It's an adjective.
PEDRO: Maybe I should meditate on the true meaning of "creepiness."
CATHERINE: There's no time!
PEDRO: Maybe I should... {Suddenly remembering} hey, I almost forgot about my lingam!
LUCY: Your what?
PATRICIA: Please, not in front of Lucy...
PEDRO: No, this lingam, here. {He opens up his mysterious box} It was given to me by my Belgian swami, and I've kept it safe in this box for years! I'm only supposed to use it in emergencies, and I brought it here tonight on the off-chance that something might go wrong!
HOLY MAN: Oh, wow. That's a powerful object there, Pedro...use it wisely.
PATRICIA: Powerful? It's just a big stone wee-wee.
PEDRO: But watch! I'll give you a sample of its powers. "Indra, God of pretty much everything...please bring Lucy a pony and some icecream!"
{FX: Dramatic Bollywood orchestral hit}
PONY: Neigh!
LUCY: Neato! Thanks, Pedro! Thanks, Indra!
PEDRO: But the problem is...with so many things going haywire tonight, and with only a few minutes left before they need to be put right...what is the best way to utilize this magic lingam?
CATHERINE: Save the play! Make it fantastic, so that the critics love it and write wonderful reviews and I'm not forced to eat in soup kitchens for the rest of my life!
PATRICIA: Stop the wanton slaughter of adult babies in the theatre! Find out who the murderer is!
CATHERINE: Bring Geri Halliwell back to life, to prevent a horrendous potential lawsuit!
PONY: Neigh!
PEDRO: I could conjure up enough money to pay off the people I sold my body to.
HOLY MAN: Fix the popcorn machine!
JACKIE: Heal my foot, or I'll never dance again and my career will be ruined!
LUCY: Find my dolly before he goes on a killing spree! Fix Stinky's car before she sends a Pumpkinhead monster!
PEDRO: Ummm...
CATHERINE: Hurry, Pedro. You must decide.
PEDRO: I'd flip a coin, but there aren't enough sides.
PATRICIA: You could flip several coins.
CATHERINE: Quick, Pedro, please.
PEDRO: If I pray and do a pooja...
PATRICIA: {Yelling to the crowd} Hide all the infants!
PEDRO: ...maybe I'll be shown the correct path.
CATHERINE: Hurry, Pedro!
{The crowd is getting rowdy...slowly building tension as the noise of the crowd gets louder and louder}
PEDRO: Now, what would Jai and Veeru do right now?
LUCY: They'd sing a song.
PEDRO: But I don't know any songs!
CRITIC 1: Hey, there he is! The playwrite!
CRITIC 2: Lynch him!
{Enraged crowd rushes at Pedro, screaming, foaming, furious!}
PEDRO: STOP!
{Sudden, hushed silence.}
PEDRO: I know what I need to do. I've listened closely to the advice of my wise friends, and after careful consideration I've decided to do something totally different than anything they recommended.
PATRICIA: What will you do, Pedro?
PEDRO: The right thing, little one. The right thing. If I've learned one lesson throughout this harrowing ideal, it's that selfish pursuits bring no rewards; not in this life, and not in subsequent lives. Deep down, I staged this play for my atonement, without doing it for the reason I should have in the first place: for the glorification of God, and the betterment of humankind. I have done the wrong thing. I have done a thing which is beneath me. I have nobody to blame for all these failures but myself. I can't even blame Lucio, because he's in Louisiana right now picking coconuts and hunting crocodiles.
HOLY MAN: But what about the play, Pedro? Will you disappoint all these people?
PEDRO: I am sad that none of you will be entertained tonight, but I will have my fortune and estate divided amongst all of you equally. I am giving up all worldly possessions. It was wrong of me to charge admission to begin with. I was being strong-willed and proud.
LUCY: Yay, we'll get money!
PEDRO: And you, Lucy...I give you this magic lingam. I'll have no need of it where I'm going.
PATRICIA: Where are you going?
PEDRO: {Pause} To the forest. I'm going to don animal skins and become a forest-dweller.
LUCY: Like Tarzan!
PATRICIA: There aren't any forests around here.
PEDRO: {Pause} I will become a park-dweller. I will don animal skins and dwell in parks.
PATRICIA: The police won't let you, they'll kick you out.
PEDRO: {Pause} I will...I will become a garage-dweller. I will live in my mother's garage, wearing only animal skins and shunning fire and eating grain.
LUCY: Like Tarzan!
HOLY MAN: Well...that's a mighty noble thing you're doing, Pedro. May the Gods smile on you for this unselfish decision. The life of a garage-dweller is not an easy one, but it is a holy one.
PEDRO: I don't expect the Gods to smile. I will only do my duty, and do it simply because I must.
HOLY MAN: Wah, wah.
{We are back with Mataji and the children in their warm, cozy bedroom}
MATAJI: And Pedro did exactly as he said. He dwelled in his mother's garage for 14 years, partly to hide from the people he sold his body to, but also so he could find wisdom and live selflessly. On the 15th year, he emerged and told everybody he'd found wisdom, but he'd need some more time to mull it over. So he went back into the garage and lived there another 14 years. On the fifteenth year he was killed when his blind and senile mother was parking the car. They couldn't bring his ashes to the ganges, so they sprinkled them in the city's reservoir. {Pause} People who drank the water hallucinated for years, and had prophetic dreams. Others died.
PAVRITA: Vow.
LUDMILLA: Just like Tarzan.
PAVRITA: But what about the doll? What happened to Brad, the lemon-head doll?
MATAJI: He continued slaying adult-babies, but only bad adult-babies. He killed the bad ones, and gave their possessions to the good ones.
LUDMILLA: Like Hari Prasad, our Prime Minister!
MATAJI: Hari Prasad and the lemon-head doll were very close friends.
PAVRITA: Vow, what a complicated story.
MATAJI: Ji ha.
PAVRITA: So...what was the lesson we're supposed to learn, Mataji?
MATAJI: The lesson is, to always live humbly, do your duty, and never take the necklace off the lemon-head doll until you know for sure it only kills bad adult-babies.
LUDMILLA: {Yawning} And watch out when your mom parks the car.
MATAJI: Exactly. Goodnight, little ones. Sleep tight, don't let the gigantic translucent blood-sucking tropical flying cockroaches bite. Too many times.
LUDMILLA & PAVRITA: Goodnight, Mataji!
{Door shuts. Quiet cricket sounds}
PAVRITA: When I grow up, I want to be creepy and have a magic lingam.
LUDMILLA: Me too. But how can we become creepy? We're just normal kids.
PAVRITA: We must follow the example set by Pedroji. We must throw a baby into the pooja fire tomorrow.
LUDMILLA: Yay! We'll throw two in, so we both can be creepy!
PAVRITA: If we throw in four babies, then we can both be creepy for fourteen lives!
LUDMILLA: I've never been so excited! Tomorrow we change our destinies, and the destinies of four babies!
PAVRITA: Indra will smile upon us and shower us with roses and boons!
LUDMILLA: And ponies!
PAVRITA: And ice cream!
LUDMILLA & PAVRITA: Yaaaaaaaay!!!
{FX: Creepy Pedro theme music out}