CREEPY PEDRO
Episode Five: Camp Creepy For Kids
ANNOUNCER: Thank you for purchasing this deluxe, widescreen version of "Creepy Pedro, Episode Five." Featured in this limited-edition collector's copy are deleted scenes and exclusive, behind-the-scenes interviews with the talented people involved.
{FX: Forest noises, a light breeze in the trees, frogs jumping into ponds, rustling animals. All very peaceful. Slowly we approach the campfire where Pedro, Mewwy, MacArthur, Lugnut and Miss Dora are telling scary stories...we hear Pedros voice get closer and closer...}
PEDRO: She tried to tell herself little lies, to disguise her terror. "It's just the wind," she said, "or the house settling." But then...it happened again, louder this time. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch.
MEWWY: {Making a characteristic, unearthly sound of terror} Eeeeeeeee!
PEDRO: It was too much for her. She had to know. Even though she was only wearing a diaphanous nightgown, she climbed out of bed and began to descend the stairs. One by one. Silently. Afraid.
{FX: Scary music begins}
PEDRO: Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. She was getting closer. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Her heart was racing wildly, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end in a primitive, half-forgotten response to danger. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. She turned the last corner, and there it was. At the bottom of the stairs. The cat, staring at her with wild, ferile eyes. Scratching the scratching post and staring, staring, staring. {Pause} And it happened. Yes indeed, it happened. Maybe in your town. Maybe, tomorrow night, it will happen to you.
MEWWY: Eeeeeeeee!!!
LUGNUT: Wow, Pedro, is that true?
PEDRO: It's better when Lucio tells it, he makes this really scary face.
LUGNUT: What kind of face?
PEDRO: He sort of...makes his eyes go really wide, and then he does this.
MEWWY: EEEEEEEEEEE!!!
DORA: Pedro, that really is a very convincing and frightening story, but I think Mewwy here needs to relax a bit, don't you agree?
LUGNUT: Another marshmallow, Miss Dora?
DORA: Mmmm, thank you, Lugnut. It is considerate and sociable to offer treats to other people.
MEWWY: {Beginning to recover} But Pedro...is it really true?
PEDRO: Of course it is! It happened to a friend of mine.
MACARTHUR: Oh, bullshit.
PEDRO: It did!
MACARTHUR: Bullshit.
DORA: Is there an opinion you'd like to express, MacArthur?
MACARTHUR: Yeah, but it wouldn't do any good, because you're all too messed up to understand it. I mean, really, why am I stuck out in the forest with you bunch of retards.
DORA: I think you're using the wrong word, MacArthur.
MACARTHUR: I said retards, and I meant retards.
LUGNUT: I'm not retarded. I'm just very, very stupid.
DORA: I keep telling you, Lugnut, you're engaging in negative patterns of thought. Sure, you're very, very stupid compared to other human beings, but you're pretty smart compared to other forms of nature!
LUGNUT: Like bunnies.
MACARTHUR: Wow, I guess I'm confused about what the word 'retarded' means.
DORA: This is not a camp for retarded children, remember. It is a camp for children who are creepy.
PEDRO: Like me, and Mewwy, and Lugnut.
MACARTHUR: Well, I certainly don't belong here.
DORA: You're deficient in your penmanship.
MACARTHUR: Being here sure isn't helping me. In fact, how can it help any of you? It's just reinforcing your creepiness...I mean, really, that "Cat And The Scratching Post" story is the oldest one in the book!
PEDRO: It's true! It happened to my aunt!
MACARTHUR: It's an urban myth, like the one about the barely functional people at the bank machine, it has no basis in reality.
LUGNUT: My dad said it happened to him in a U-Boat.
MACARTHUR: Lugnut, your dad was never in a U-Boat, he's too young. And he's not even German!
DORA: Please, MacArthur, if Lugnut says his dad was in a submarine, who are you to contradict him?
MACARTHUR: See? Do you think giving in to his fantasies is actually helping him? Let me tell you, the only cure for these retards is to hit them again with whatever made them creepy in the first place!
PEDRO: They don't make torpedoes like the one that hit me anymore.
MACARTHUR: Yeah, well you're hopeless, Pedro.
DORA: Enough people in the world are getting hit with enough things, every day. There's no need to contribute to the violence.
MACARTHUR: Thanks, Princess Di.
DORA: Now, Mewwy. When MacArthur called me "Princess Di" just now, he was not actually implying that I was a princess.
MACARTHUR: I was being rude, that's all.
DORA: How about we change the subject? Anybody care to change the subject?
PEDRO: What was the subject?
DORA: MacArthur, maybe if you share a scary story with us, you'll feel more integrated with the rest of the group.
MACARTHUR: Once upon a time, I was stuck in a camp for retarded kids.
PEDRO: That happened to my dad!
MEWWY: EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
DORA: Mewwy, it's okay, calm down!
MACARTHUR: She sounds like some kind of frigging robot.
DORA: Just relax. Mewwy? Maybe if you take a breath it will help? Mewwy, try taking a breath.
{FX: Mewwy stops squealing and takes a gulp of air}
DORA: That's better. Do you have a story you'd like to share with the rest of us, Mewwy? Something spooky?
MEWWY: Once I met Paula Abdul, and she thought I was a little animated cricket!
{FX: Mewwy completely loses it, sobbing}
MACARTHUR: Jesus Christ.
DORA: Mewwy, dear, Paula Abdul is under a lot of stress, you mustn't take it personally.
MACARTHUR: I'm out of here.
PEDRO: What about the fences? And the lake?
MACARTHUR: Forest, fences, island or no, I can't take it anymore. I'd rather drown out there than listen to any more of this crap.
DORA: {Comforting Mewwy} There, there...
LUGNUT: Oh no! My leg was in the fire!
DORA: Lugnut, you must be more attentive!
PEDRO: {Voice fading away} Bye, MacArthur! Be careful!
MACARTHUR: Drop dead!
LUGNUT: Ow, ow! Ow!
PEDRO: Put butter on it! {Their cries fade back into the quiet sounds of the forest)
MACARTHUR: {Muttering to himself} If I needed any more evidence about the decline of our civilization--
{FX: Macarthur walks into a tree}
MACARTHUR: Ouch! Uh-oh, I dropped my flashlight. {rustling sounds} So much for that. Well, MacArthur, onwards and upwards! {Footsteps resume} Thank goodness for the moon. {Footsteps, then he begins to hum} Hmmm hmmm hmm, never never never... how does it go. Hmmm hmmm hmm, never never never, I'm never gonna love-a you... Geez, who sings that song?
{FX: MacArthur walks into another tree}
MACARTHUR: Ooooo, ow, that smarts! {He rubs his head, in great pain, moaning} Ohhh, ohh. Shoot, I lost my darn glasses! If I keep bumping into these trees, I'll end up as creepy as those kids back there. {FX: He keeps walking} "We're sorry, Mrs. MacArthur, but we've got to hit your son with another tree in order to cure him."
{FX: MacArthur walks into another tree}
MACARTHUR: OOOF! Wow. {He sits down} Maybe I should stop moving. In fact, I think I've lost all feeling from the neck down. {Pause} At least I don't have to listen to stupid urban myths out here.
{FX: Scratching noise, just like Pedro's story}
MACARTHUR: Hello? {Pause} Is somebody there?
{FX: A young girl giggling, and then more scratching noises}
MACARTHUR: Mewwy? Lugnut? {Pause} Help?
ZOINK: {Jumping out of the trees} YAAAARGH!
VALERIA: Get him! Get him!
ZOINK: {Choking MacArthur to death} Whaddya know, he's not even fighting!
MACARTHUR: ...i'm paralyzed...
ZOINK: That's no fun! FIGHT ME, C'MON, FIGHT BACK!
VALERIA: Lemme kick him!
ZOINK: You kicked the last one! C'mon, you wimp! Take a swing at me or grab my hair or something!
MACARTHUR: ...i told you...
VALERIA: He's paralyzed, Zoink, he can't.
ZOINK: This is way too easy.
VALERIA: It's too late to stop.
ZOINK: He'd better die soon, 'cause I'm losing interest.
VALERIA: That's always been your problem, Zoink, you never commit to anything!
ZOINK: Shut up.
VALERIA: And you can't take criticism.
ZOINK: Yes I can, and you'd better shut up or I'll kill you next!
VALERIA: Kill me? You can't even finish killing one person. You can't even finish killing a paralyzed person!
ZOINK: Can too!
VALERIA: Prove it!
ZOINK: {Straining} Urrrrrrgh!
{MacArthur gasps, and expires.}
ZOINK: Finally.
VALERIA: Just think, Zoink. If we do it this way...one person at a time...we can kill everybody in the whole world!
ZOINK: Well, I'm not gonna do that unless it's fun.
VALERIA: Don't worry. It'll be fun. {Ominously} As long as we've got eachother, we'll make sure it's fun.
ZOINK: Yow! Right on!
{Creepy Pedro theme music, but a really really spooky version this time?}
ANNOUNCER: I'm speaking here with Hiller Black, the so-called "Dark Genius" behind the music in this week's episode of Creepy Pedro.
HILLER: {Incredulous} Oh now, dark genius, really...
ANNOUNCER: It's true!
HILLER: Well, I hate to take credit without likewise giving credit to the wonderful composers who came before me.
ANNOUNCER: Oh yes, like Nino Rota.
HILLER: And Richard Band, and Ennio Morricone, and Miklos Rosza...
ANNOUNCER: I understand you had a job licking James Bernard's candelabra.
HILLER: Oh, James, of course! I learned a lot, working with James.
JAMES BERNARD: Hiller was always a bit of a copycat, wasn't he. I couldn't keep him from peering over my shoulder all the time. He was like a sponge. Never developed a taste for candelabra soot of course -- ha, ha -- but he sure could suck up my ideas! For instance, my technique of having the cadence of the score echo the title of the film...suddenly, along comes Hiller, and he's taken this to a ridiculous extreme, where the score echoes ALL of the film's dialogue, which I find silly, distracting, and arty-farty. Remember the music he composed for "Sex Fox Stratosphere?" Maddening! Insane!
HILLER: Arty-farty? James called me arty-farty! Wait a second, I think there...hold on... {Hiller tinkles with the piano for a second, then each note echoes his successive words} "Ar-tee far-tee, James-called-me...ar-tee far-tee..."
ANNOUNCER: Is it true that you're writing songs for "Harry Ham and the Berserkers" nowadays?
HILLER: Well, it seemed a logical progression to me...film scores, R&B...the next step, of course, is war-time cryptographer.
HARRY HAM: Yeah, we like Hiller. He's got this...vibe. And, none of the rest of us can write songs or play any instruments.
LOCO: And Miklos Rozsa is dead.
HARRY: We think.
LOCO: He might have died, recently.
ANNOUNCER: Harry, Loco...being the frontmen for "Harry Ham and the Berserkers," maybe you can explain to our audience...what exactly is the significance of the Hairy Ham?
LOCO: Well, the Hairy Ham is a lot like us. I mean...the historical Hairy Ham. It was one of civilizations most important links.
HARRY: It's simple.
LOCO: Barbarians, to hairy hams, to the Trojan horse, to the Greeks.
ANNOUNCER: And this relates to you...how?
LOCO: We're the first popular R&B act that dresses up like Berserkers.
HARRY: We meet a demand.
LOCO: A demand people didn't even know was there.
ANNOUNCER: So, what about "The Smooth Hordes of Janet Khan?"
LOCO: She copied us!
ANNOUNCER: But they were playing shows 10 years ago.
HARRY: She's a girl.
LOCO: And they don't dress like Berserkers, they dress like Mongols.
HARRY: {Pause} And she has a plastic leg.
ANNOUNCER: So, overall, you boys are pleased with the songs Hiller Black has written for you?
LOCO: Well, yeah! Some of them are like, "man, this'll be an instant hit!"
HARRY: Like "Never Gonna Love-A-You."
LOCO: But some of his stuff is just too scary for R&B, like the new one...
HARRY: "Cat In A U-Boat."
LOCO: I mean, leave that fucked-up stuff for groups like "E.D. Volkswagen."
HARRY: {Phoenetically correcting} "Foolks-fakken."
LOCO: Whatever. We just wanna make good, normal music, for good, normal people.
HARRY: And wear our Berserker outfits.
ANNOUNCER: Well, they don't call Hiller Black the "Dark Genius" for nothing, as his music for this episode shows!
{End of featurette music}
{In Dr. Berlin's office, Mewwy is being counselled, and Miss Dora is also present. A clock is ticking. At first, nobody speaks...a long, awkward pause.}
BERLIN: Ahem. {Pause} Well, Mewwy--
MEWWY: Eeeeeeee!
BERLIN: {Pause} I think that--
MEWWY: Eee!
BERLIN: {Sighs} Well, you have always been a most vivacious and entertaining young girl, Mewwy, but I must say that today's session takes the cake! We have five minutes of therapy remaining. Are there any more unearthly sounds you'd like to make before you leave? {Pause} Just as I thought. Alright, have a good day at camp, goodbye!
DORA: Dr. Berlin, if I may say something...
BERLIN: It would be refreshing, actually!
DORA: I know that Mewwy here is often a terrified and silent child, due to experiences she has yet to disclose...but last night, Pedro told a scary campfire story--
BERLIN: {Urgently interrupting} Dora, Dora...did Pedro tell this story, or did Lucio.
DORA: It was my understanding that, at the time, Lucio was making crafts with the other imaginary friends.
BERLIN: Okay, please continue.
DORA: Pedro told a story about a cat and a scratching post--
MEWWY: EEEEEEEEEEE!!!
{Pause}
BERLIN: Egads.
DORA: {Whispering} And she seemed to get much worse afterwards, as though the story were in some way linked to her childhood trauma.
BERLIN: I see. Mewwy, let me tell you a story with a none-too-subtle moral at the end of it. When I was just a young Doctor Berlin, running my Creepy Kid practice in South America, I met two very, very evil children...siblings who worked as a team to systematically terrorize the neighbourhood. In fact, they were sawing the noses off of dogs before they'd even learned to walk!
MEWWY: {Beginning} Eeee--
BERLIN: Shush. I decided, while reviewing the case histories of these "Sadomasokids," that the brother and sister must be destroyed, for the protection of our society and our precious way of life...a way that assumes that children play with dollies and train sets, and do not, for instance, attack other children in order to steal their hands. Oh, I chased these kids all over the country, following a trail of mayhem and severed dogs' noses, a sadistic spree unmatched by any pre-teen brother-sister murder-teams of the past! Our confrontation finally ocurred in Malaysia, Florida. Years had passed but never did I falter in my single-minded quest to bring the children to justice. I intended to kill the both of them, but at the last minute, I...well, I said to myself: "Dr. Berlin, be merciful. You are not God, after all, at least not yet."
DORA: What did you do?
BERLIN: I hugged those wayward kiddies to my chest and told them that I loved them.
DORA: {Touched} Oh, goodness.
BERLIN: And while they were thus engaged, I bonked their little heads together, really hard! And they became docile imbiciles, continuing to serve me till this very day.
DORA: {Realizing} The camp cooks with the mushed-in heads...Zoink and Valeria!
BERLIN: The same! They are reformed through the power of love and a good head-bonking!
MEWWY: Excuse me, doctor?
BERLIN: Yes Mewwy?
MEWWY: What's the moral?
BERLIN: {Not knowing} Oh. Well, I guess the moral is, that you must always trust me, because I...I love you Mewwy. I love you too, Dora.
{Pause}
BERLIN: Come here, let me hug you.
MEWWY: {Quietly} You're gonna bonk us.
BERLIN: What?
MEWWY: You're gonna bonk our heads!
BERLIN: {Furious} Ach then, enough of this stupidity! Let's solve this problem of your childhood trauma once and for all! Miss Dora...roll out the Gigertron!
DORA: {Aghast} But doctor...
BERLIN: DO AS I SAY!
DORA: Yes, doctor.
{FX: Ominous sound of a huge machine rolled into the middle of the room}
MEWWY: Eeeeeeeeeeee!
BERLIN: Do you think, as an undergraduate, that I just sat around all day and did nothing? No siree, I was building this Gigertron...the world's first biomechanical therapeutic device! Switch it on, Miss Dora.
{FX: Switch click. A strange, eerie, laboured breathing sound permeates the room}
BERLIN: Spooky, huh?
MEWWY: What...what does it do?
BERLIN: When I stick this tube into your brain, you will instantly remember anything I want you to! It is also self-propelled, capable of speech, and requires only two bowls of kibble a day!
GIGERTRON: Kill meeeeeeeee...
BERLIN: Oh, stop.
GIGERTRON: The paaaaiiiiinnnnnn....
BERLIN: Quit it, you silly Gigertron. Dora, please hold the brain-tube still still so we can insert it into Mewwy's head.
MEWWY: It's a scary machine, Dr. Berlin!
BERLIN: Don't you want to know why you're creepy, and why you are frightened of a cat scratching a scratching post?
MEWWY: I'm scared of the cat thing...but I'm even more scared of the Gigertron!
DORA: {On the edge of panic} Doctor...the machine, it's perverse...it's...it's almost human...
BERLIN: It hasn't been human for a long time, Dora.
DORA: It can think, and feel!
BERLIN: Don't get hysterical, it can't really think or feel at all.
GIGERTRON: Doraaaa...please...help me...help me find MY BABY!
DORA: Yaaaagh!!! {Dora flees, terrified}
MEWWY: Eeeeeeeeee!
BERLIN: Come on, stick this in your brain! Do it!
MEWWY: No!
BERLIN: Then I'll do it for you!
MEWWY: No!
{FX: Horrible tube-penetrating-skull sound, and everything calms down instantly...Mewwy and Gigertron sigh, strange electricity sound begins to buzz...}
{FX: Suddenly, we are in the pantry with Pedro}
PEDRO: Seventy-seven tomatoes...seventy-eight tomatoes...whew...
LUCIO: Nothing is gained without a little work, Pedro.
PEDRO: But I had no idea there were so many tomatoes here!
LUCIO: You must never shirk your duties. Even if there were a thousand tomatoes, it would still be your duty to count them! Look, I even made you a special decorative pantry hat in class last night.
PEDRO: Wow, cool! It's reinforced with coathangers and yarn! Thanks Lucio...now I have the strength to go on.
LUCIO: What are imaginary friends for?
PEDRO: {Continuing} Seventy-nine...eighty...eighty-one. There are eighty-one tomatoes in the pantry this morning, what does that mean?
LUCIO: It means...{prophecy noise, then spooky music}...Tonight, when the moon is full above the trees, you must go to the edge of the lake...and there you will meet a strange old man with a hook for a hand. He'll send you on a fabulous journey, the likes of which you've never seen, and it's outcome will dictate the fate of the entire free world!
{Pause}
PEDRO: What, no candy?
LUCIO: No candy, Pedro.
PEDRO: {Freaking out} I WANTED CANDY, WHAAAAAAAA!
{FX: Door oopens, Lugnut peers into the pantry}
LUGNUT: Hey, be quiet, or Zoink'll hear you.
PEDRO: What do I care, he's just a cook.
LUGNUT: Yeah, but something's weird about him lately. Like he's thinking. And I don't like to think about what he's thinking about.
PEDRO: Alright, I'll come out. {FX: Pedro leaves the pantry and walks down the hall with Lugnut} So how was gymnastics class?
LUGNUT: Hard, because I've got to do all this rolling around, and sometimes I roll off of things and I fall onto hard things.
PEDRO: Where are you going now?
LUGNUT: To the camp nurse, because I stubbed my Tojo on the Romell-horse.
PEDRO: You what?
{FX: Dora runs screaming down the hall, past Pedro & Lugnut, her scream receeds into the distance}
PEDRO: Miss Dora! She looks like she saw a Gigertron!
LUGNUT: Anyway, I gotta go Pedro, see ya!
PEDRO: Bye. {Walking into the cafeteria} Hey, Zoink, Valeria! What's for breakfast in this fine establishment?
ZOINK: MacArthur pie.
PEDRO: Neat, what does it taste like?
ZOINK: MacArthur. Here. {Splat of breakfast put on Pedros' plate} Eat it.
PEDRO: And what are these little dark, moist things?
VALERIA: Dog noses.
ZOINK: Mushrooms, now eat.
PEDRO: Alright, I'll try to find an artfully placed table, perhaps near a fern. {FX: Sound of seat scraping across the floor; he sits with Gabby and Cameron} Hallo, creepy campers!
GABBY: Hello Pedro.
PEDRO: Are you enjoying the cuisine? I hear the MacArthur pie is splendid this morning.
CAMERON: Aw, stop it, Pedro. Quit pretending this is a bistro, I hate when you pretend it's a bistro!
PEDRO: What a fine selection of foodstuffs in this quaint eatery!
CAMERON: It's a cafeteria, Pedro, and we're eating...Christ, I don't even know what this stuff is. It tastes like a load of messerschmidt!
PEDRO: Like what?
CAMERON: A load of shit! Creepy food, creepy kids, why am I here?
GABBY: Because of your penmanship, Cameron.
ZOINK: {Arriving suddenly} Eat the food, kid.
CAMERON: I did.
ZOINK: No you didn't, I saw you spitfire it out, now eat it!
CAMERON: Or what?
ZOINK: Or I'll cut off your hands.
CAMERON: That'll help my penmanship.
PEDRO: Did he just say "spitfire?"
CAMERON: This stuff is even worse than yesterday's "Rotting Panzers in Bushido sauce!"
ZOINK: What's wrong with my panzerotti?
PEDRO: Am I the only one noticing a weird narrative trend, here?
ZOINK: {To Pedro} Shhhh!
CAMERON: That's it, I'm out of this craphole.
ZOINK: {Grabbing Cameron} C'mon, I'll help you.
CAMERON: Ja, mein fuhrer.
ZOINK: Let's go, move it!
CAMERON: {Choking} Ack-ack!
VALERIA: Punch him, Zoink! Kick him!
ZOINK: I'm just taking him outside.
VALERIA: Hurt him when you get there!
{Door shuts; all is calm and quiet again in the cafeteria}
PEDRO: Something sinister is going on.
GABBY: You mean, the way kids just disappear, and then later on we eat food named after them?
PEDRO: Oh, no, I hadn't noticed that. I meant, the way I keep on hearing words that don't belong...words that all belong in a certain category, but I don't know what the category is...
GABBY: {Completely off-track} Speaking of the Blitz, here comes Mewwy!
MEWWY: Hello Pedro, Gabby.
PEDRO: How was your therapy with Dr. Berlin?
MEWWY: I was prematurely embalmed as a child. We just discovered this. It was a big surprise, but now I understand why I don't bleed.
PEDRO: I am suddenly, inexplicably, very, very attracted to you, Mewwy.
MEWWY: {lethargic} Stop it.
PEDRO: You're the sexiest girl in the whole camp.
MEWWY: Not true.
PEDRO: I'm on the verge of losing control. I'm going to do something impulsive and crazy.
MEWWY: You're teasing me.
PEDRO: I'm going to ravish you, Mewwy.
MEWWY: Please don't.
PEDRO: Can't you see, we're star-crossed lovers. From the first moment I saw you I felt a seed germinate in my soul. It's grown into a flower now, all these years later, and it's the most beautiful flower the world has ever seen. It's new and perfect and sensuous, and it can only have one name. Mewwy.
MEWWY: Uh-uh.
PEDRO: {Sighs} Yeah, you're right. {Crestfallen} Birds of a feather flock together, but creepy sparrows will always fly alone.
MEWWY: Right into windows.
PEDRO: Wow, that's depressing. We'll break our little necks against life's cruel windows.
GABBY: {Pause} But the food is good.
PEDRO: There's a tube stuck in your head, Mewwy.
ANNOUNCER: This episode originally contained a flashback to Mewwy's premature burial, but it was considered too terrifying for the projected 8 to 10 age group. Now, presented here for the first time: the infamous deleted scene.
{The sound & screaming starts up immediately, as though we are jumping right into the middle of the scene}
MEWWY: GET ME OUT! SOMEBODY, HELP ME, HELP MEEEEE! I CAN'T BREATHE! HELLLLP! The scratching...the...RATS! RATS, SCRATCHING, HELLLLLP, GET ME OUT OF THIS COFFIN!!! I'M NOT DEAD! OH GOD, SAVE ME, GET ME OUT! HELP! HELLLLLLLLLLP!
{Commercial break}
{FX: Early evening in the bedroom of one of the campers. Far off peaceful sounds, loons, etc...Pedro is crouched quietly beside the bed.}
PEDRO: Mewwy. Mewwy, darling, the loons are crying. Can you hear them? They're crying for me. {Pause} I'm saying this to you while you sleep because I don't want to worry you. You see, there were eighty-one tomatoes in the pantry, and that means...{chuckles} well, never mind your pretty little head what that means, only...well...I just want to say, that if I don't come back...if something should happen to me...well, you're the only girl I've ever loved. {Sighs} It's true. I know I'm creepy and everything, and I know that sometimes...I don't make any sense. But if you only believe one thing I've ever said, let it be this, darling Mewwy: I...I love you. I'll always love you. {Pause} I wanted you to know that, just in case I never see your beautiful face again.
LUGNUT: {Sleepy} Huh?
PEDRO: Oh.
LUGNUT: What's going on?
PEDRO: I was just, um...
LUGNUT: I wanted to take a snooze before my brother comes to visit, and I had that dream about the donkey again...
PEDRO: Okay Lugnut, sorry to bother you--
LUGNUT: You know, that dream about, "are we all just drips in the donkey's bucket?" That one.
PEDRO: See ya, bye!
{Pedro leaves in a hurry, door closes}
LUGNUT: Bye! {Sniff-sniff} Mmmm, flowers. Thanks, Pedro! {sniffs again}
{Valeria knocks on window}
VALERIA: Let me in, you stupid Lugnut.
LUGNUT: Wow, two visitors in one night! Hi, Valeria!
VALERIA: Hey Lugnut, how did you get such a stupid name anyway, Lugnut?
LUGNUT: My dad had a speech impediment.
{Pause}
VALERIA: Well, let me in.
LUGNUT: Why.
VALERIA: 'Cause I wanna SMOOCH ya.
LUGNUT: Yuck-y!
VALERIA: I wanna smell yer FLOWERS.
LUGNUT: {Pause} No.
VALERIA: Damnit, Lugnut, let me IN!
LUGNUT: My mom always said, "Don't open you window for no girl with a mushed-in noggin."
VALERIA: {Sexy} Not even a...pretty young thing...who's taking off her blouse in a kinda, seductive, playful way...
LUGNUT: Um...
VALERIA: And shakin' her beautiful, glossy hair free of her ponytail, so it will cover up the...sensuous crevice in the side of her head.
LUGNUT: {Noncomittal} Ooo.
VALERIA: Come here, you big hunk-a Lug. Open the window. Take me. I'm yours.
LUGNUT: But do you love me?
VALERIA: Nah.
LUGNUT: Okay! Come in.
{Window opens}
ZOINK: {Standing outside the window} TORA! TORA! TORA!
VALERIA: Banzaiiiiii!
LUGNUT: {Startled} Where?
ZOINK: Kill him, Valeria!
VALERIA: I'm gonna, just shut up.
LUGNUT: {Choking} It was a trick!
VALERIA: Hey, little worm, it's a PRIVILEGE to be throttled by Mistress Valeria!
ZOINK: Yeah, so BEG.
VALERIA: Be a dog!
LUGNUT: Woof, woof.
ZOINK: Be a goat!
LUGNUT: Ummm, neigh, neigh...
ZOINK: Aw, you dimwit, that's a horse. C'mere, I'll show ya some farm animals, you--
VALERIA: Hey, who's killin' him, Zoink, you or me.
ZOINK: I'm just tryin' ta help...
VALERIA: Well I don't NEED any help. This is the new millennium. A girl can kill a little kid all by herself nowadays.
LUGNUT: But why? Why are you killing me?
VALERIA: Because killing is something only GOD is allowed to do.
ZOINK: We're gonna be gods.
VALERIA: We'll become gods by KILLING people!
LUGNUT: That doesn't make any sense.
ZOINK: {Thoughtful pause} Hey, Valeria. Did you ever think...maybe...we're brain-damaged? You ever wonder if, when Dr. Berlin bonked our heads, maybe he mushed in our brains?
VALERIA: Maybe YOUR stupid brain got mushed, but I know for a fact that MINE is fine, except that sometimes it feels like spiders are crawlin' all over me.
ZOINK: You too?
VALERIA: Just you wait, little Lugnut, until Zoink and I kill enough people so we'll become GODS. Then you know what I'm gonna do?
ZOINK: I'm gonna buy me some pornography!
VALERIA: I want a pony!
ZOINK: Icecream!
{FX: Door opens and Lugnut's brother, Wugwug, enters.}
WUGWUG: Lugnut. What's going on.
LUGNUT: Hey Zoink, Valeria, this is my brother Wugwug.
VALERIA: Wow, you don't look creepy at all.
WUGWUG: I'm not. In our family, creepiness is a recessive gene. I'm a very smart, sensible businessman. I am cunning and shrewd. Under normal circumstances, I would be a happy multi-millionaire by now. But I am cursed with a creepy brother and an unfortunate name.
LUGNUT: Come on in. I was taking a nap, because I spilled boiling fat on my head during dinner, and then when I woke up Valeria and Zoink were here to kill me.
VALERIA: You interrupted us.
WUGWUG: I made an appointment.
ZOINK: That's okay, we'll change our schedule. After we're done with Lugnut, we can start on you.
VALERIA: Wow, if we find one more person, we can have a MASSACRE!
{FX: Door opens and Gabby sticks her head in}
GABBY: Hey, Lugnut, we're building a human pyramid in the kitchen if you wanna-- {She surveys the situation} Ummm...
VALERIA: GET HER!
ZOINK: MASSACRE, MASSACRE!
GABBY: Noooooo!
{FX: Gunshot, then silence}
ZOINK: Just stay calm, Wugwug. Gimme the gun.
VALERIA: Yeah, so we can shoot you with it.
ZOINK: So we can talk it over.
WUGWUG: {Calmly} I have carefully considered a proposition that I would like to present right now. Weighing the options and potential gain and loss for myself and the rest of you, I suggest that you don't come any closer.
VALERIA: Or what.
WUGWUG: Or I'll shoot my brother.
{FX: Gunshot}
LUGNUT: Ow! Oh, Wugwug, you didn't have to do that! Ohhhh...
WUGWUG: Yes I did. I have already profited.
VALERIA: I'm coming closer, so NOW what are you gonna do?
WUGWUG: What are my options?
VALERIA: You don't have any.
WUGWUG: Let me think.
VALERIA: There's no time.
WUGWUG: Don't rush me.
GABBY: Shoot her, Wugwug!
VALERIA: Yeah, c'mon, shoot me!
WUGWUG: I wish I had my advisors with me...hold on, I'll give them a call...
ZOINK: CHARGE!
{FX: Mass pile-up, punches, kicking, yelping...the gun goes off. We hear abortive attempts of Wugwug to dial his cell phone.}
ZOINK: KILL THE RICH!
VALERIA: AND THE POOR, TOO!
ZOINK: KILL EVERYONE, HA HA HA HA HA...
{FX: Zoink's voice echoes away; fade in sounds of crickets and rocking chair; Pedro is sitting on the front porch of the camp}
PEDRO: {Writing his will} I Pedro, being of sound mind and body, bequeath the following stuff.
LUCIO: Try to keep it casual.
PEDRO: Don't worry, Lucio, I've done this before. "I'd like to leave everything I own to Lucio Bambino de la Noche, close friend through thick and thin, who has never done me wrong and is always ready to help me when I need him."
LUCIO: That's what friends are for.
PEDRO: "My friendship with Lucio is the greatest gift of all."
LUCIO: Thanks, big guy.
PEDRO: "To Samantha, I leave my collection of Scatman Crothers memorabelia." {Pause} If that's okay with you, Lucio. I just figured that...well...
LUCIO: {Disappointed} Okay.
PEDRO: I didn't know if you'd want it or not.
{FX: Pedro's cell-phone starts to ring}
LUCIO: I always liked Scatman Crothers.
PEDRO: {Answers his phone} Hello?
{FX: Screams and gunshots on the other end, howls of pain from Gabby and Wugwug, etc.}
PEDRO: Is anybody there?
VALERIA: {On the phone} WRONG NUMBER!
{FX: Phone disconnects}
PEDRO: Jeez, I wish they'd quit calling me. Well Lucio, we'd better go, come what may. Do you have your walkin' shoes on?
LUCIO: Oh Pedro, you know I don't have feet in this dimension.
PEDRO: Well then, off we go on our wild adventure!
{FX: A lot of 'walking through the forest' sounds, until it starts to get a bit tedious and uncomfortable.}
PEDRO: Anything you'd like to talk about, Lucio? {Pause} Hey, Lucio, "I spy with my little eye, something that is green." {Silence} Oh well...{singing} I'm never never...never, never...never gonna love-a youuuuu...
DEER: {Suddenly standing on the path} Turn back, Pedro.
PEDRO: Wow, what are you?
DEER: I'm a deer, and I'm telling you to go back to camp.
PEDRO: I've never talked to a deer before. What is it like, being a deer?
DEER: It's the pits.
PEDRO: Oh.
DEER: Right now, I'm channeling the spirit of MacArthur, an unfortunate boy who was killed here last night. He's got a few things to say to you. Wait a second, I'll put him on.
PEDRO: Sounds good. {Pause} Hey, MacArthur, they named a pie after you.
DEER: {Speaking with MacArthur's voice} I just wanted to tell you that I think you're really stupid.
PEDRO: What's it like, being a spirit?
DEER: {In his normal voice again} He left already.
PEDRO: Can you channel anybody else?
DEER: No, but I can do impersonations. {Totally deadpan} I wanna be loved by you alone, boop-boop-a-doop.
PEDRO: Betty Boop!
DEEP: Yup.
PEDRO: So, if I don't turn back, will you just stand here and not let me past?
DEER: You should go home.
PEDRO: You're only a deer. I could knock you over.
DEER: Just try it.
{FX: Pedro pushes the deer over}
PEDRO: Do you have anything else to say before I continue through the forest?
DEER: Yes. The green thing you spied with your little eye was a tree..
PEDRO: I'd like to stay and play around, but I've gotta meet someone. Bye, Deer!
DEER: Bye.
{FX: Pedro keeps walking, then suddenly}
OWL: Ooooooooo, I am the wise old owl of the forest!
PEDRO: Nice to meet you, wise old owl. Come down out of the tree so I can knock you over.
OWL: Silly Pedro, I am not going to stand in your way, I am going to outsmart youuuuuuuuuu. I am going to uuuuuuuuse reverse psychology. {Owl voice, you know}
PEDRO: Do your worst, wise bird.
OWL: Youuuuuuuuuu should turn around and go back, because youuuuuuuuu are wasting your time. There is nothing out here. Youuuuuuuuuu will be disappointed.
PEDRO: Well...I've been disappointed before.
OWL: This kind of disappointment youuuuuuuuuuuuu can doooooooooooo without, Pedroooooooooooooo.
PEDRO: If there is nothing out there in the forest, why are all you animals trying so hard to keep me away?
OWL: Ummmm...
PEDRO: You see my point, I mean...if there is nothing in the forest, there's no reason to stop me from going in.
OWL: Just a second. I'll be right back.
{FX: Owl flies away, and Pedro's phone starts to ring again}
PEDRO: Hello?
{FX: The same screams and gunshots, hopefully more intense and desperate now}
VALERIA: {On the phone} Gimme it! Gimme the damn phone!
ZOINK: {On the phone} Hi, Mom & Pop Pizza Parlor? Send over a pizza! We want anchovies and salt and limburger cheese and any other gross things you can--
VALERIA: WE WANT POO!
ZOINK: Yeah, ha ha, put some poo on it and send it over...
GABBY: {On the phone} I don't wanna eat the pizza!
WUGWUG: {On the phone} My heart condition!
VALERIA: {To Wugwug & Gabby} You'll eat what we tell you to eat, you dogs.
GABBY: Not POO!
PEDRO: Okay, right away!
{FX: Pedro hangs up the phone, unzips his pants}
PEDRO: Oh, wait. I'm not a pizza company. {Zips his pants again}
{FX: Wise old owl returns}
OWL: Okay, Pedro...we don't want you to go into the forest because there's lots of CANDY back at the camp. If you go back to camp, right now, you just might get some!
PEDRO: Candy?
OWL: You don't want to miss out on CANDY, do you?
PEDRO: No. But I NEVER disobey the tomatoes.
OWL: Well...see...the tomatoes were here earlier, and they told me to tell you that you shouldn't go into the forest.
PEDRO: What time did you talk to them?
OWL: Oh, around 2 or 3 in the afternoon.
PEDRO: And they were out here in the forest, telling you this?
OWL: Yeah! They said, "Hey, wise old owl, could ya give a message to Pedro for us?"
PEDRO: You stupid bird, tomatoes are nocturnal creatures, they can't stand sunlight...that's why they're always in the pantry!
OWL: CURSES!
PEDRO: Not so wise after all, are you.
{FX: Owl flies away}
PEDRO: See ya. {Pedro begins to walk again} There are always three obstacles in every story, right? And the third one is invariably the most ferocious and daunting. So what's next, on this forest path? Who will try to stop me? An emu? A donkey?
{FX: Suddenly, a bear appears!}
BEAR: GROWWWWL!
PEDRO: Oh no! A grizzly bear!
BEAR: GRRRRRRRRRR!.
PEDRO: Please, Mr. Bear, don't hurt me! I can't outsmart you, and I sure can't tip you over! You truly are the most ferocious beast of the forest, and an obstacle I cannot surmount!
BEAR: {Pause} I'm only passing through.
{FX: Bear lumbers away into the lumber}
PEDRO: Whew. I guess there were only two obstacles. {Chuckles} Good thing, too.
{FX: We come upon the lake}
PEDRO: Well, here I am at beautiful Ford Lake. The moon is full above the trees. The waves wash against the shore. I am here to meet my destiny.
{FX: A beautiful, lilting song begins}
SONG: Pedro, hero,
Give your life for us!
By the shores of eternity's lake,
our hero fearlessly meets his fate,
Pedro, Adonis,
determined and undaunted,
give your life for us!
Oh, give your life for us!
PEDRO: Well, time to go home, I think.
STINKY: Pedro!
PEDRO: {Surprised} Stinky!
STINKY: Are you tryin' to sneak away? Are you runnin' out on what the tomatoes told you to do?
PEDRO: Well, no, I just...I heard there was candy at the camp and...
STINKY: Oh shush, don't listen to that dumb old owl. You know yer responsibility and you're gonna do it if it KILLS ya, like it has so many others!
PEDRO: If only I knew what's going on.
STINKY: You don't have to know, but I'll tell you anyway. You're being sent on a special mission. You have been chosen by a higher power which some see as a kind of....bright blue light, but you and me know it's true face cannot be seen by mortals, lest we implode.
PEDRO: A bright blue light?
STINKY: Do we have t'go through all this stuff again? Didn't you get it last time?
PEDRO: Ummmm...I think maybe you said something once...
STINKY: Look. You've got the blue lights and you've got the white lights, right? You know that?
PEDRO: I guess so.
STINKY: And the white lights we won't get into because they's too far beyond comprehension, not to mention the aquamaroon light.
PEDRO: Which you didn't mention.
STINKY: 'Cause I'm afraid to! Alright, so the blue lights is some kind of different form of what some people call the "Tablers," which Wheezo the Elder spoke about in his manifesto, and Wheezo told my ex-husband that when we die, some of us are accepted into the lower portion of the blue light, and my ex didn't believe him then but he sure believes him now! Ha ha, does he ever!
PEDRO: I didn't know you had an ex-husband, Stinky.
STINKY: {Angry} I call him my ex-husband because he's DEAD!
PEDRO: Oh yeah.
STINKY: And it doesn't matter anyway!
PEDRO: So, what are you doin' out here anyway, Stinky? Shouldn't you be at home?
STINKY: I came here to meet you and guide you, as was foretold.
PEDRO: I thought there was gonna be a scary old man with a hook.
STINKY: He couldn't come, so they called me, and I was right in the middle of my gardening.
PEDRO: This really is a night for unexpected revelations.
STINKY: Just you wait, Pedro, there's more to come! Anyway, there's not much time, so I'll skip the riggamarol. You've gotta go back in time and stop the Japanese from bomin' Pearl Harbour! And you know why?
PEDRO: Do I need to know why?
STINKY: It helps to know! It's because of Those two kids, Zoink and Valeria.
PEDRO: Which kids?
STINKY: The cooks, Zoink and Valeria!
PEDRO: Oh, I thought maybe you were talkin' about some other Zoink and Valeria.
STINKY: Those kids are killin' people, Pedro, and that wouldn't be so bad except, if they kill enough people, they'll become GODS! Their parents happened to be visiting a postcard shop in Hiroshima, and the nuclear blast mutated their reproductive genes! Their weirdo offspring, Zoink an' Valeria, inherited special powers like regeneration and total lack of remourse. But you see, some of these powers...they don't even know about them yet, and once their brains heal from that terriffic bonking that Dr. Berlin gave them, they'll be able to change the very nature of reality itself!
PEDRO: This is pretty much the last thing I expected.
STINKY: So go, Pedro! Go back in time and save the world!
PEDRO: But Stinky, last time I tried to change the past, I got stuck in a time loop and didn't get to eat dinner for 173 years!
STINKY: Well, you already ate your dinner, right?
PEDRO: Yeah.
STINKY: Then it's time to go!
{FX: Time warp sounds, Stinky's voice echoing & sounding ominous, lake sounds swelling}
STINKY: Make sure they stop the Japanese planes! Prevent this disaster from happening! And don't drink any antifreeze!
{FX: Pearl Harbour sounds. You know, before the bombs...soft lapping water, etc.}
PEDRO: {Falls to the ground} Ooof. Well, here I am at Pearl Harbour, and I assume I'm not too late because nobody's dead. {Pause} Hey, look, some antifreeze!
STINKY: {Far-off voice} Don't drink any antifreeze!
PEDRO: Oh, right, good idea. Lucio, are you back yet? {Pause} Jeez, I think it's time to find a more reliable imaginary friend! Well, I guess I'd just better sniff out the radar shack and make sure those guys are paying attention. Now where could it be...
LT. KIMMEL: {Suddenly appearing} Hello there son, are you lost?
PEDRO: Well, I'm looking for the radar shack actually...
LT.KIMMEL: It's right over there, on the other side of that palm tree!
PEDRO: Great, thanks! And by the way...you guys are all really vigilant, right? I mean, you'll be ready if some Japanese planes come by here and bomb you.
LT.KIMMEL: Ho ho ho, Japanese planes! We're not at WAR, son! And besides, it's Sunday, they wouldn't dare. Here, have some antifreeze.
PEDRO: {Startled} Uh, no! No thank you, no antifreeze!
LT.KIMMEL: Suit yourself, son. But all the COOL people are drinking it.
{FX: Lt. Kimmel walks away, and Pedro walks towards the radar shack. Crazy 1950's instrumental be-bop is playing loudly inside, and we get closer and closer...}
PEDRO: {Thinking to himself} Right behind this palm tree...
LT.CLAMBAKE: Care for some antifreeze, kid?
PEDRO: No!
LT.MOJO: Hey you, where's your cup of antifreeze!
PEDRO: I don't want any!
LT.MOJO: Here, take mine.
PEDRO: Not...not on a Sunday!
LT.MOJO: What, are ya nuts? Sunday is ANTIFREEZE DAY!
PEDRO: NOOOOOO, not ANTIFREEZE DAY!
LT.MOJO: Alright, alright already. You don't want it. Fine, more for the rest of us.
{Pedro's cel phone starts ringing again}
PEDRO: Hello?
{The usual cacaphonous murderous noises on the other end}
VALERIA: Hey do you have any antifreeze over there? Send it over so we can get really messed up and lose our inhibitions even further!
ZOINK: Not that we have to, because we're already crazy!
PEDRO: {Hangs up} Wow. This is a really powerful cel phone. Hey, it.sounds like there's a party going on in here...
{FX: Pedro opens the door, the be-bop is overpowering. Inside, BIFF & BUFF -- the radar operators -- are drinking antifreeze and watching Muffy dance}
BIFF: Woo-woo! Shake it, baby!
BUFF: Give it to me, give it to me!
MUFFY: Jazzbo!
BIFF: Make me know it!
MUFFY: Whizz-BANG!
BUFF: {In awe} Wow.
PEDRO: Excuse me...
BIFF: Coooooooool!
MUFFY: Woooooo!
BUFF: Ha-CHA!
PEDRO: Ummm, hello?
BIFF: Legs! Legs!
MUFFY: {Noticing Pedro} Oh, NO! Not ANOTHER one!
{Buff turns the music down}
BUFF: Goodie. More fun.
BIFF: {To Buff} I hear ya.
PEDRO: Hi, Muffy, I was just...passing by, and I thought, why not check out Pearl Harbour?
MUFFY: Well, everything's fine here Pedro, so go home.
PEDRO: Hey guys. {Pause} Hey, fellas.
BUFF: Howdy.
BIFF: {Disdainful pause} Yeah.
BUFF: Who's the nitwit, Muffy?
MUFFY: Oh, guys, this is Pedro, and he's gonna leave us alone now.
PEDRO: Are you watching your radar screens?
BUFF: We're watching this chickie-boo's legs.
PEDRO: And what happens if there's a war?
BUFF: If there's a WAR, THEN we'll watch the RADAR SCREENS. You nitwit.
PEDRO: {Getting panicky} But what if that's too late!
MUFFY: Pedro, Pedro honey. Come over here for a minute. Excuse me boys. {They walk to a corner. Then, whispering} Don't you DARE mess this up for me. Don't you DARE!
PEDRO: Muffy, you've gotta help me, if you don't stop distracting those guys, the Japanese are gonna bomb us, and then the United States will enter the war and drop an atom bomb on Hiroshima and then Zoink and Valeria's mom and dad will mutate and when they have kids, Zoink and Valeria can become gods and do horrible things and we GOTTA MAKE SURE THESE GUYS WATCH THEIR SCREENS!
MUFFY: I know.
PEDRO: So help me keep these guys vigilant! {To Biff} Here, have some of this coffee.
MUFFY: Pedro, Pedro, come back here and LISTEN to me.
PEDRO: Okay.
MUFFY: Are you LISTENING?
PEDRO: Yeah!
MUFFY: It is every drag queen's DREAM to entertain troops. It's like...it's like the HOLY GRAIL of entertainment, to travel around the world and do shows for a bunch of horny bozo soldiers. But -- pay attention to me, Pedro -- if there's no war, there's no opportunities, and I AM HERE TO MAKE DAMN SURE THAT I GET THOSE OPPORTUNITIES!
PEDRO: {Pause} You want to start a war so you can entertain the TROOPS?
MUFFY: Don't be stupid, Pedro. I'm not starting a war with the United States. The Japanese are. In about...two minutes.
BIFF: {To Buff} Hey, did you just see something on your screen?
PEDRO: LOOK OUT!
MUFFY: Hey, boys! Watch this! {Music starts up again, Muffy begins a ridiculous and out-of-sync tap routine}
PEDRO: WATCH YOUR SCREENS!
MUFFY: Hey look, I'm dancin'!
PEDRO: ARE THOSE BLIPS JAPANESE BOMBERS?
BIFF: {Howling at Muffy} Awoooo!
BUFF: Charlston! Charlston!
MUFFY: {Stops tap dancing} Aww, that's OLD.
BUFF: Do something funny, then!
MUFFY: Alright, I'll do a vaudeville routine. C'mere, Pedro.
PEDRO: RED ALERT! INCOMING!
MUFFY: Don't be a drag, Mr. Pooper. Come here. "Ummm, I see, Mr. Pooper, that you are worried about a war, Mr. Pooper!"
PEDRO: Ummmm...
BIFF: Ha ha, "Mr. Pooper."
PEDRO: We've gotta...
MUFFY: "Now then, Mr. Pooper, I see that you have a mighty funny hat!"
PEDRO: I don't have a hat!
MUFFY: "Wha, wha, wha, you say you don't have a head?"
PEDRO: I don't have a hat!
MUFFY: "Now, now, now Mr. Pooper, how can a fella not have a head?"
BUFF: It's impossible!
BIFF: Can't happen.
PEDRO: I DO have a head, I just don't have a HAT.
MUFFY: "Oh, so now you say you DO have a hat, you just don't have a head?"
PEDRO: {Aside} I didn't drink any anti-freeze, did I?
{FX: Muffy hits Pedro with a wrench}
PEDRO: OWCH! Muffy, that hurt!
MUFFY: "Can you spare some change, Mr. Pooper?"
PEDRO: I don't understand any of this, it doesn't make sense!
MUFFY: {Whispering} It's VAUDEVILLE, Pedro, it doesn't HAVE to make sense. "Now, Mr. Pooper, I say, can you spare some change?"
PEDRO: Ummm, here's a dollar.
{FX: Muffy hits Pedro again}
PEDRO: Oooooo, stop that!
MUFFY: "What's that, Mr. Pooper, you say you've got some change you can spare?"
PEDRO: I have a dollar!
{FX: Muffy hits Pedro again}
PEDRO: Owwww!
BIFF: Hey, you dummy! Everytime you say that word, she's gonna hit ya!
BUFF: Haven't you been to the theater lately?
PEDRO: Which word?
BIFF: "Dollar."
{FX: She hits Pedro again}
PEDRO: Pleeeeease!
MUFFY: I'm gonna hit him anytime ANYBODY says "Dollar."
{THUNK}
PEDRO: Stop it! Stop it!
BIFF: Hey Muffy -- ha ha -- I've got a dollar.
{THUNK}
BUFF: I think I got one here.
MUFFY: Got one what?
BUFF: A...ha ha...
PEDRO: Don't say "Dollar!"
{THUNK}
BUFF: Ha ha ha...
MUFFY: Anybody got a ten?
BIFF: Sure Muffy, here's ten dollars!
{THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK THUNK...meanwhile, the bombing starts outside...explosions, screams, etc.}
BUFF: Hey, you hear that?
BIFF: What's going on?
BUFF: Not another Antifreeze Day celebration.
BIFF: Those things are square.
MUFFY: You're being bombed, boys. See ya later. {Muffy clatters out of the shack}
BUFF: Nah, who would bomb us?
BIFF: I dunno, look at your radar screen.
BUFF: Aw, geez {he starts to hit the screen} Must be somethin' wrong with it, there's blips all over it.
{FX: Bomb dropping sound, then huge explosion as the radar shack blows up. Biff & Buff are instantly killed (for those who were worried). Pedro, on the other hand...}
MEWWY: {Voice echoey at first, as Pedro regains consciousness} Pedro. Pedro. Pedro.
PEDRO: {Weak} Mewwy...my love.
MEWWY: You were lying outside this morning. You're all messed up.
PEDRO: That...that damn Muffy almost beat the creepiness out of me. Am I going to live?
MEWWY: Dr. Berlin was going to amputate your arm and put it on the Gigertron, but we convinced him not to.
PEDRO: ...How did I get back here?
MEWWY: Dora found you and suckled you. If it wasn't for Dora you would have died.
PEDRO: Oh...wonderful Dora, always the sweetest and most innocent of all of us. Where is she?
MEWWY: Berlin amputated her arm and put it on the Gigertron. She's in a coma over there.
PEDRO: What about Lugnut and Gabby?
MEWWY: I don't know. But it's funny because our breakfast this morning was called "Lugnut and Gabby."
PEDRO: Poor Lugnut. Always the sweetest and most innocent of all of us. And Gabby too.
{FX: Door opens, Zoink & Valeria; Valeria is riding a pony)
ZOINK: Lunch time, you stupid kids.
PEDRO: Zoink...Valeria...I don't have the strength to fight you...I've failed, and there is nothing to stand between you and godhood any longer. I surrender.
VALERIA: Darn right there's nothing between us and godhood, because now we ARE gods.
PEDRO: Really?
ZOINK: Yeah, it happened last night when we were killin' Lugnut and Gabby and Wugwug.
MEWWY: Not Wugwug! Oh, my only love!
ZOINK: Anyway, we finally killed enough people, and suddenly we became gods, and look what I got! {Rustling of magazine pages}
PEDRO: Wow, pornography!
ZOINK: Dirty stuff.
VALERIA: And look at my pretty new pony. I'm gonna be pony-jump champion of the world! I'm gonna be "National Valeria!"
PEDRO: Sounds good!
VALERIA: But you'll have to pretend to be Mickey Rooney, Zoink.
ZOINK: Will not!
VALERIA: Go on, act like Mickey Rooney or I'll get my pony to STEP on ya!
ZOINK: I'd rather DIE.
{Brief tense pause, then Zoink & Valeria laugh}
VALERIA: Aw, you know I wouldn't hurt you, Zoink. Now that I've got my pony, I don't want to hurt anyone, anymore. I don't want anything at all except for what I already got!
ZOINK: That's funny, I feel the same way now that I have my pornography.
PEDRO: Such contented gods!
LUCIO: It's a theological statement, Pedro, one that you must decipher on your own.
PEDRO: Lucio! Where have you been all this time?
LUCIO: I knew that you wouldn't get to go to Belgium this week, so I went there myself and brought you back this rabbit.
ZOINK: {Taking out a camera} Say cheese!
PEDRO: Zoink, how did you know I've always wanted to have my picture taken with a live rabbit?
ZOINK: {Snaps a picture} I'm a god, I know everything.
PEDRO: Wow, I've never had so much fun camping! This has been the best time. Except for Muffy beating me with a wrench.
VALERIA: We all have to make sacrifices, Pedro.
MEWWY: Yeah. I lost Wugwug, my one and only love. I saw him come to visit Lugnut last week, and I knew right away...he was the only man who could make me happy. {Pause} Sorry, Pedro.
VALERIA: Well, don't be sad, Mewwy, 'cause Zoink and I brought you a Wugwug pizza!
MEWWY: Yay!
ZOINK: Sorry about the poo.
VALERIA: We didn't have a lot of time to make it.
MEWWY: Doesn't matter, you guys, because now I'm happy for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE!
PEDRO: Aww. I don't think I've ever had such a happy time. I mean, we've all had troubles and everything, and we've all had to fight...but at the end of the day, there's nothing to cry about! We all got everything we wanted!
MEWWY: Except for the dead people, and the people in comas.
PEDRO: If today was so wonderful, I can't imagine what TOMORROW will be like!
LUCIO: Only the tomatoes know, Pedro.
ZOINK: Not even I know.
{Creepy Pedro music & end credits}
ANNOUNCER: I'm sitting here with the REAL Lt. Kimmel, who was portrayed in tonight's episode of Creepy Pedro. Lieutenant, I'd like to ask you a few questions about our representation of Pearl Harbour.
LT.KIMMEL: Yup.
ANNOUNCER: Was that REALLY how it happened?
LT.KIMMEL: I don't remember, exactly.
ANNOUNCER: Were there any EXPLOSIONS?
LT.KIMMEL: {Pause} I believe so, yes.
ANNOUNCER: And lots of planes? Did a lot of planes fly over?
LT.KIMMEL: I think I can say...yes...there were a number of planes in the air.
ANNOUNCER: Do you have a specific recollection you'd like to share with us? Something to add a personal edge to the drama of Pearl Harbour?
LT.KIMMEL: I remember...I remember SMOKE, and then...something was burning, and I'll never forget the smell...
ANNOUNCER: Was it the smell of burning flesh?
LT.KIMMEL: No...our cook...ha ha, our cook, he was never very competent. And he'd left the lasagna in the oven too long, and it burned. My God, how it burned. If there's one thing I'll take to my grave, it's the smell of burning lasagna. The smell...of pasta...on fire.