CREEPY PEDRO
Episode Three: Creepiness Oblige
NARRATOR: And now it's time for Creepy Pedro. This week's episode is entitled Creepiness Oblige.
{FX: Pedro is in the
foreground playing with his food, sounds of utensils
scraping, etc. In the next room, the telephone starts ringing}
MOM: Hello? {Pause} What, is this a joke? He's not home. {Pause} I'm hanging up, bye.
{FX: Hangs up. Phone begins ringing again instantly}
MOM: Hello? {Pause} Jesus! {In a ridiculous deep voice} Umm, yes, this is Pedro. {Pause, then deeper} This is Pedro. {Pause, then in normal voice} Look, I'm expecting a call, so get lost!
{FX: Hangs up. Phone rings again}
MOM: {Coming up to Pedro with the phone} Here Pedro, answer it, it's Dr. Berlin calling for you. {Pause} What are you doing with your food.
PEDRO: I'm busy.
MOM: Quit playing with your dinner. Here, answer the phone.
PEDRO: I do not understand this thing you call "phone."
MOM: Don't act stupid. {Pause} Pedro, I'm losing my patience, I'm expecting a very important phone call from China, so answer the phone and get rid of Dr. Berlin right now, do you hear me?
PEDRO: No.
MOM: {Pause, curiosity getting the better of her} What are you making out of your food, anyway? It looks like...
PEDRO: It's a swing-set. {FX: Pedro testing the swing, squeaky chain & clanking}
MOM: {Losing it} Pedro, answer the phone!
PEDRO: {Answering phone} Hello?
MACHINE: {Over telephone} This is Dr. Berlin's Find-A-Pedro. If you are Pedro, please say, "this is Pedro."
PEDRO: {In a high-pitched voice} "This is Pedro."
MOM: Use your normal damn voice!
PEDRO: {Normal voice} This is Pedro.
MACHINE: Well hello, Pedro, and how are you today?
PEDRO: Hey I'm glad you asked, because I feel like I'm under a lot of--
MACHINE: {Interrupting} Glad to hear it! Dr. Berlin has invited you to his home for a series of tests which could make you a very famous case-study! This is exciting! {Beep} Please state, yes or no, would you care to participate?
PEDRO: Not today, thank you.
MACHINE: Please state "yes or no."
PEDRO: No thank-you.
MACHINE: Please state "yes or no."
PEDRO: No.
MACHINE: {Pause} Please state "yes or no."
PEDRO: No.
MACHINE: {Pause} Please state "yes or no."
PEDRO: {Pause} Yes.
MACHINE: This is exciting! {Beep} Dr. Berlin will send a limousine to your house, please be ready or you will receive another call. Have a good day! {Click, then dial tone}
PEDRO: Oh, bye.
{FX: Dial tone continues}
MOM: {Getting hysterical} Hang up the phone, Pedro, she might be calling right now! HURRY UP, THE PHONE IS BUSY, HANG IT UP NOW!!!
PEDRO: Hang up the phone?
MOM: HANG IT UP!!!
PEDRO: Oh, yeah. {Hangs up phone} So I guess I'm going over to Dr. Berlin's house for some new tests. He's sending a car.
MOM: Then you'd better wait outside.
PEDRO: Except that it's raining...
MOM: Wear a hat.
PEDRO: Okay...just, don't throw out my swingset, okay? Promise?
MOM: Pedro, you know I don't make promises.
PEDRO: Alright. But...please don't throw it out?
MOM: Oh stop begging and get out, please? Otherwise Dr. Berlin will call back.
PEDRO: I guess I can always make another one tomorrow. {Pause} Okay, bye!
{FX: Phone rings}
MOM: {Answering it} Hello, China? China, thank god!
PEDRO: Bye!
MOM: Shhh, Pedro, I'm on the phone. {Back to phone} So, how are you today, China darling?
{FX: Door closes, then, outside in the rain, cars splashing by...}
LUCIO: Why so gloomy, Pedro?
PEDRO: Aw, Lucio, you know how it is. Sometimes it's a burden being creepy.
LUCIO: "Creepiness Oblige."
PEDRO: Exactly. People expect so much of me because I'm creepy! I never get a rest. You know, if I could only remember how I got this way in the first place, we could go back in time, and stop whatever happened to me from happening!
LUCIO: Oh Pedro, you know better than to mess around with the time stream.
PEDRO: I think you're overestimating me again.
SAMANTHA: Ooof! Hey, look out where y'er goin', ya goof!
PEDRO: Sorry ma'am...Samantha! What are you doing out in this rain?
SAMANTHA: A girl's gotta work, Pedro.
PEDRO: But you know my mom'll call the cops if she sees you out here again.
SAMANTHA: That's why I brought this umbrella here, with a big hole in it, so she'll feel sorry for me and let me stay.
PEDRO: That won't work.
MOM: {Opening front door and yelling from the porch} Whore! Jezebel!
SAMANTHA: Bitch!
MOM: Get off my lawn or I'll call the police, Samantha tart!
SAMANTHA: You've got nothin' on me 'cause my name ain't Samantha, it's Brandi!
PEDRO: That's smart, Samantha.
SAMANTHA: No, it really is Brandi.
MOM: Shift it, hooker! Get lost!
SAMANTHA: But look at my umbrella, it's got a hole! Lookit how wet an' miserable I am!
{FX: Door slams shut, and a car pulls up to the curb.}
SAMANTHA: Hey, a limo, good freakin' business!
PEDRO: It's for me. Do you want to come and get tested with me at Dr. Berlin's house?
SAMANTHA: I already been tested today, Pedro, I'm clean! Lookit this!
{FX: Paper unfolding}
PEDRO: Wow, your T-cells are doing great!
SAMANTHA: I've always been good fer that.
PEDRO: I didn't know your father was Satan.
SAMANTHA: That says Stan, you nimrod, give it back.
CAR: Get-in-the-car-Pedro. Get-in-the-car-Pedro.
PEDRO: Well I've got to go, but good luck with the police, Samantha!
{FX: Opens car door}
SAMANTHA: Brandi!
COP: Freeze, trollop!
{FX: Door closes}
SAMANTHA: {Muffled} My umbrella's got a hole, look!
{FX: Muffled gunfire.}
CAR: Welcome to Dr. Berlin's limousine. Please relax and enjoy your ride. We have calculated that the following music will make your trip more comfortable.
{FX: Creepy Pedro theme
song}
{FX: Door closing, rain
sounds diminished}
PEDRO: Lucio, how did Dr. Berlin know that was my favourite song?
LUCIO: There are many mysteries within the genius that is Dr. Berlin.
PEDRO: Exactly, I always say that too! When I grow up I want to be exactly like him.
LUCIO: You'll never grow up, Pedro.
PEDRO: {Cheerfully} I know, there's something wrong with me. Hey, Muffy the Nurse!
MUFFY: Darling!!
PEDRO: When did you start working for Dr. Berlin?
MUFFY: Well you see, I was asking myself, "Muffy dear, how can you get a job as a nurse, when you don't have any medical training?" And then the good doctor asked Joe do take part in some kind of sexual aversion tests--
PEDRO: How is Joe doing, anyway?
MUFFY: He's in denial.
PEDRO: You M. Butterfly, you!
MUFFY: {Doing a terrible Popeye impersonation} I yam what I yam, and that's all what I yam! Anyway, come here, I'll show you around.
PEDRO: I've seen it all.
MUFFY: C'mon, c'mon! This is the doctor's elegant entranceway...
PEDRO: Wow! I've never seen this part!
MUFFY: Never mind the blood.
PEDRO: But it works, Muffy, the blood looks good!
MUFFY: That's what I keep tellin' him, but you know how class conscious Dr. Berlin is, our relationship is very much "I'm the doctor, and you're just a nurse," so he won't take any advice from me, decorating or otherwise. This in here... {FX: Door opening} Pedro, sweetie, come on in! You're lookin' like a dog goin' to see the veterinarian!
PEDRO: I'm suddenly scared, and I peed.
MUFFY: What do you think's going to happen? Really, Pedro, what's the worst Dr. Berlin could do to you?
PEDRO: He could cut open my skull and take out part of my brain.
MUFFY: {Laughing} Really, Pedro, what would he want with a piece of your brain?
PEDRO: {Sheepish} I Dunno.
MUFFY: Anyway, he doesn't have to open you skull, he can pull your brain out of your nose now! The new equipment just came in, he's like a little kid at Christmas time.
PEDRO: {A bit cheerful} Do you think the Doctor can help me be normal, maybe by pulling my brain out my nose?
MUFFY: "Ask not what your doctor can do for you, but what you can do for your doctor."
PEDRO: Well...okay.
MUFFY: That's a boy! Now hop up here, take your clothes off, and put on this gown. {Rustling sound of gown}
PEDRO: Hey, I like the feathers!
MUFFY: Once in awhile I win a fashion battle with the old man, usually when his back is turned.
PEDRO: {Taking off his clothes} I'm glad you're on our side, Muffy!
MUFFY: You don't mind if I...turn around, do you?
PEDRO: Nope!
MUFFY: {Quietly} Thank God.
BERLIN: {Bursting through the doors, excited} By golly, look at what the Egyptians just gave me! Look at this, Muffy, isn't it exciting?
MUFFY: It's a coathanger.
BERLIN: No it's not, it's a brain-puller!
MUFFY: I've got hundreds of them at home.
BERLIN: It's for pulling out a person's brain, that's what it is!
MUFFY: It's for hanging up your clothes.
BERLIN: {Gently} Must we fight, nurse? Do we need all of this argument? Because if we do, I'll just fire you.
PEDRO: That's a mighty fancy brain-puller you've got there, Dr. Berlin!
BERLIN: Thank you, Pedro. {Double-take pause} OSTRICH FEATHERS?
MUFFY: Honestly, you are the least adventurous doctor I have ever worked for!
BERLIN: {Freaking out} Once more, you go above my head, and you are out on your backside! You'll never work in this town again!
MUFFY: You call this working? {Imitating the doctor} "Mop the floor, scrape this off the pillow, look at this godawful wire hanger I just spent a bundle on from some quack Egyptian doctor..."
SWAMI: {Echoey voice} I am no quack.
PEDRO: Who said that?
SWAMI: I have amazing magical powers, and have rendered myself invisible.
MUFFY: You're hiding behind the door, you big quack!
SWAMI: {Creaking door, voice no longer echoey} I am no quack!
PEDRO: He saw me naked!
MUFFY: Quack quack quack!
BERLIN: Nurse, you are insulting my colleague, and I'm afraid I must let you go.
MUFFY: Where else will you find a cross-dressing nurse, huh?
BERLIN: {Considering} This is true.
SWAMI: You must fire it, Dr. Berlin. It's energies cause conflict with my amazing powers of invisibility.
BERLIN: But a cross-dressing nurse is a difficult find.
MUFFY: A rare treasure. And look at Pedro's elegant hospital gown! My own creation.
BERLIN: It is clear to me, Nurse Muffy, that we are, both of us, worthwhile human beings. We must keep this in mind when we deal with each other.
MUFFY: Exactly.
BERLIN: And we must also keep in mind that you are the nurse, and therefore inferior, while I am an esteemed medical professional, with a license to practice in over 100 shady countries, all over the world. Therefore, as long as we can remember that I am always right, and you are always wrong, we should have no problem. Understood?
MUFFY: {Sullenly} Yeah.
BERLIN: Now, this wonderful object, which I now hold in my hands, you would call this a...
MUFFY: A...a brain-puller, doctor.
BERLIN: Ah yes, this is what I thought. And this man over here, hidden partially behind the door, he is...
MUFFY: A quack.
BERLIN: Very good, nurse.
SWAMI: {Furiously} Oh, mumbo jumbo, mumbo, mumbo...
PEDRO: Look out, he's casting a spell!
SWAMI: ...jumbo jumbo mumbo...oh RATS! I have forgotten my outrageously funny magic words!
{FX: Swami runs away, funny lopsided dwarfish footsteps receeding}
BERLIN: I suppose, Pedro, you're wondering what sort of tests I have in store for you this time.
PEDRO: I don't have to wrestle Grigori again, do I?
BERLIN: Ha ha! No, Pedro, you did just fine against the octopus last time. This time, we've decided to try a different angle of research on you. Instead of assessing just how creepy you are, using the Lynch Creepiness Scale, on which you scored a remarkable 114%...somewhere between Bob and Henry Spencer...
MUFFY: {Impressed} Pedro, darlin'!
PEDRO: Whoo-hoo!
BERLIN: No, this time we are going to try to figure out what caused you to become creepy in the first place.
PEDRO: Fantastic! Lucio and I were just talkin' about that on the way here...
BERLIN: Ah yes, Lucio, ha-ha. Your imaginary friend. We'll talk about him some other time. But for now, Nurse Muffy will administer an oral quiz, and then we'll hook you up to our memory machine, right after you drink something radioactive.
PEDRO: Thanks, Dr. Berlin!
BERLIN: If you need me, Nurse, I'll be doing aversive therapy with Joe in the House Of Pain.
MUFFY: Take your time! {FX: Berlin leaves the room} Okay Pedro, I made up this test myself, so only the right answers this time, okay? Now, who's this a picture of?
PEDRO: Ummm...can you give me a hint?
MUFFY: "I vant to be alone."
PEDRO: Ummm...
MUFFY: Okay, what about this handsome devil?
PEDRO: Oh, definitely Jerry Lewis.
MUFFY: And this is...
PEDRO: ...Mickey Rooney?
MUFFY: Excellent, Pedro, you're doing just fine, only 297 more...
{FX: Voice fading out, sound of a ticking clock, voice fades back in}
MUFFY: "CHRISTINA, BRING ME THE AXE!" Now Pedro, when I say that, do you think I'm a good mom or a bad mom?
PEDRO: Oh, a pretty good mom I guess.
MUFFY: Okay, that's enough for the Crawford Scale, now let's...
{FX: Voice fades out, then back in}
MUFFY: Alright, this is the last one. Which of the four mammals in this picture do not belong?
PEDRO: ...this one.
MUFFY: No, Pedro, that's Lassie. Try again.
PEDRO: {Pause} The little one. Benji.
MUFFY: Darlin', you're not tryin'. Here, I'll give you one more chance. Which one does not belong in this picture, Rin Tin Tin or Cyd Cherisse?
PEDRO: {Pause} I still don't think Lassie belongs.
MUFFY: Okay, I guess that's it. Test's over.
PEDRO: How did I do?
MUFFY: Well, from a personal, objective standpoint, your knowledge of the classics is abysmal.
PEDRO: Nobody ever taught me how to watch TV.
MUFFY: Now, in turns of assessment, all of your answers were skewed in the direction of High Creepiness Recognition. For example, you instantly recognized Peter Lorre, Bela Lugosi, Harpo Marx, Fatty Arbuckle, Hermione Gringold, and that savage, 2-headed monster known as "Spencer Tracy and Audrey Hepburn."
PEDRO: Burrrr!
MUFFY: You were equally disturbed by pictures of Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye, which shows your ability to recognize creepiness under a sweet exterior, and your inability to name any Jimmy Stewart films other than "Vertigo" I need not bother to interpret. I am puzzled, though, by your answers for the "Music Man Fill-In-The-Blanks," especially by this one: "You've got trouble with a capital T, and that rhymes with G and that stands for ghoul..."
PEDRO: Well...ghouls are trouble...
MUFFY: And rhyming "Marian the librarian" with "An aquarian in the planetarium" is a nice reference to "Hair," but it sounds a little forced.
PEDRO: I'm no lyricist.
MUFFY: That's for sure. But on the bright side, I can now say with confidence that you first became creepy on October 7th, eight years ago, during lunch hour at your public school.
PEDRO: But how, Muffy? How did it happen?
MUFFY: Well, now that we know when you became creepy, we can hook you up to Doctor Berlin's Memory Machine and find out exactly why you became creepy. Here, drink this radioactive goop.
PEDRO: I dunno, for some reason I'm always afraid to drink unidentified liquids.
MUFFY: You scaredy cat. Look here, on the bottle, it says "Radioactive Goop"
PEDRO: In that case, BOTTOMS UP! {FX: Gulp, pause, then} GAH! GAH!! GAHHH!!!
(FX: Pedro falls to the floor, dramatic music, end of first segment}
Wait a second...
Where's the second half of Episode 3???
Pick the answer you like the most, but I'll tell you in advance, the answer is "D."
A) Episode 3 was never finished, ever. I was just teasing.
B) It was too racy & clever for the internet, so I've removed it until the rest of the world catches up.
C) It's part of the new "Finish Episode 3 of Creepy Pedro" contest!
D) I managed to overwrite the completed script with the second half of "Episode 4," and then, because I'm smart, I uploaded the corrupt file onto the website and erased that copy as well. And I didn't make a backup.
Fortunately, the wonderful Lisa made a hardcopy, so eventually I'll be able to type it back in again. But until that time...use your imaginations!