CREEPY PEDRO
Episode Two: Bride of Chi-Chi
NARRATOR: Tonight's episode of "Creepy Pedro" is preceeded by a short featurette entitled "Ray Harryhausen, Special Effects God, And His Astounding New Creation: Chi-Chi, The Mad Lactose Intolerant Monkey." This featurette does give away some crucial plot elements, so if you wish to be surprised and shocked by Creepy Pedro's adventures, you might wish to avoid it altogether. Otherwise, continue listening, and be amazed by Harryhausen's candid comments about the creation of Chi-Chi, his truly astounding new creation!
{FX: Featurette music, orchestral, far more dramatic than is deserved.}
NARRATOR: Too often, it's the guys on the front-line who
get the glory. We know the names of our favourite actors and directors,
we know about their lives and their loves, and we're keenly aware of their
accomplishments. Once in awhile, however, someone from way, way down
at the bottom of the credits will join the front-liners in the limelight,
and some very, very lucky ones become superstars themselves. Who
can forget Jorges Himmenez, the key grip from Luis Bunuel's masterpiece
"Land Without Puffs," the only key grip in film history to do his
own stunts? And what about the foley operator from Wim Wender's "Texas,
Texas, Texas!", whose name unfortunately escapes me at the moment?
These men have their own featurettes. This
one is dedicated to Ray Harryhausen, the greatest animator in Film FX history,
best known for his work on movies such as "One Million Years B.C.,"
"The Seventh Voyage Of Sinbad," and that clever sci-fi classic,
"20 Million Miles To Earth." "What?" you say? "This
Larry fellow animated the creatures in TWO movies with the word 'million'
in the titles?" Yessiree he did, and that's no coincidence.
Ray Harryhausen deserves a million cheers for his work, and by the
mid-80's he'd amassed nearly TWICE that amount!
Unfortunately, Harryhausen retired from stop-motion
animation business due to his death. But when he heard about Chi-Chi,
The Mad Lactose Intolerant Monkey, he came out of his retirement to
be part of this once-in-a-lifetime project!
Adam Thornton, one of the principal voice actors
for Creepy Pedro, had this to say about Ray:
ADAM: Oh, Harryhausen was the best, I mean...forget all about his animation, about his incredible body of work, and you've still got an fantastic guy! He understands animals, you know? And that understanding goes beyond just...making them move and breathe convincingly, but right down to their psyche's, their wants, their needs! Ray Harryhausen is a genius, and I'm proud to say I worked next to him. Well...we worked on the same episode, anyway. I never did meet him.
NARRATOR: Ray was kind enough to grant us an exclusive interview for this featurette. Ray... do you mind if I call you Ray?
RAY: Not at all.
NARRATOR: Okay Ray, what was it about the story of Chi-Chi that brought you out of your retirement, and into our community of talented and grateful performers?
RAY: Well, it was the challenge, really. See, here you have this monkey who just looks AWFUL. I mean, this is one sick animal! So one of my biggest challenges was to model something convincingly repulsive, but at the same time to get across that Chi-Chi doesn't WANT to be this way, he doesn't WANT to be sick...he's just a victim of circumstance, like so many of us. And therein lies the tragedy of Chi-Chi...therein lies the paradox! He's crazy, but he's kind. He's repulsive, and yet his heart is gentlest of hearts. And all of this needed to be conveyed without Chi-Chi ever having a line of dialogue!
NARRATOR: Why is that?
RAY: Well, because...well Chi-Chi's a monkey, afterall.
NARRATOR: Oh, of course, excuse me.
{FX: Happy "Ray at work" music}
RAY: My task was made a little easier because Chi-Chi is a monkey, and no matter what, despite the violence and shit and blood and irrationality...everyone loves monkeys.
NARRATOR: I know I do, and I'm sure our listeners will find a space in their hearts for poor, tragic Chi-Chi.
RAY: He's kind of like...the Phantom of the Opera, or someone like that.
NARRATOR: And we've sure found a space in our hearts for him, haven't we? So why not poor Chi-Chi?
RAY: I've just started on the fluid-filled stuffed toys.
NARRATOR: Ray, what was the hardest part for you, animating everyone's favourite monkey?
RAY: Definitely the bloody clots of feces around his anus. I spent weeks working on them!
NARRATOR: And what was the solution?
RAY: {Laughs} Well, if I made that public, they wouldn't have to bring me back for the sequel, would they?
NARRATOR: Is animating Chi-Chi the hardest job you've ever had to do?
RAY: No. The hardest job I had was animating Raquel Welch in "One Million Years B.C." Because, once again, she was a tragic character, but I also had to distinguish her from the other cave-women in the movie by giving her an angelic quality. So, I gave her immaculate, well-crafted moccasins -- to show her industriousness -- and I also made sure she was the only cave-woman to have discovered tweezers and eyeliner. All of this without her speaking more than 3 words!
NARRATOR: And they weren't even real words.
RAY: No, they were cave-person words, I don't know...
NARRATOR: What was the hardest obstacle you had to overcome, animating Raquel Welch?
RAY: Oh, definitely the clots of bloody feces around her anus.
{FX: End-of-featurette music}
NARRATOR: Ray Harryhausen, a master of his craft who I am honoured to have interviewed. And now, please enjoy the fruits of his labour, here in the second and saddest episode of "Creepy Pedro."
{FX: TV in an empty room,
playing "My Fair Lolita." "Dolores Dolittle" is singing
to the tune of "Wouldn't It Be Loverly," but she's a horrible, screechy
singer.}
DOLORES: All I want is a groom somewhere,
To marry my mum,
but have love to spare.
Warm hands, nice
teeth and hair,
Oh, wouldn't it
be loverly?
All I want is to
be admired,
To watch him squirm,
suffer and perspire,
Afraid to quench
his fire
Oh, wouldn't it
be loverly?
Oh, so loverly
spending every night in cheap hotels...
Maybe we'll rent
a room in spring,
Or maybe not,
oh-oh-oh well...
{Instrumental...}
MOTHER: {Coming into the room, talking on the phone} Just a sec, China, I think he's in the livingroom. Pedro? Pedro, do you want to go visit Aunt China? {Pause} Oh, geez. No, China, sorry, he was watching that DAMN movie again, and he must've left the house, so you can't babysit him today. {Pause} Oh, he's fine, wherever he is. God looks after creepy children. {Pause} Tennis, then? Okay, I'll be right over! {Hangs up}
DOLORES: Oh, wouldn't it be loverly!
{FX: TV violently shut off}
MOTHER: GOD, I hate that stupid movie! If I have to hear "Why Can't A Woman Be More Like A Girl?" one more time! Hmmm...I wonder which neighbour he's bugging today?
{FX: Creepy Pedro Theme Music!}
{FX: Nice, suburban street noises.}
PEDRO: This really is a beautiful day for going to the donut shop, Lucio! I feel lucky to be alive on a day like this!
LUCIO: I know, Pedro.
PEDRO: No, Lucio, I'm serious, I am lucky to be alive. Did I ever tell you what happened to me when I was in--
STINKY: Psst! Hey, Pedro!
PEDRO: Hello, Stinky! How are you today?
STINKY: I'm not going to answer that. Were are you going?
PEDRO: Me and Lucio are going to the donut shop, because we counted the tomatoes and they said "seven," which means "go buy some coffee."
STINKY: You and Lucio?
PEDRO: He's my imaginary friend. In fact, I was just telling him about the time--
STINKY: Save it, Pedro, I've got something more important to tell you. It's about the coffee shop, and you'd better listen up before you go there!
PEDRO: Okay, we're not in any hurry.
STINKY: Just the other day, I was talkin' to ol' Criminy Jones, who was the sheriff of this town before Sputnik...and let me tell you, Criminy knows what he's speakin' of, he knows this town backwards an' forwards, from top to bottom!
PEDRO: Who's the sheriff now?
STINKY: Aw, Pedro, you already know, this town didn't need no sheriff after Sputnik, for reasons which have already been made clear...
PEDRO: Oh yeah, right Stinky.
STINKY: So in the days leading up to these events that I'm relating, Criminy said there were unexplained tremors in the earth, all around town, and when he talked to the President about them, she kept saying "No comment." Do you know what that phrase means?
PEDRO: {Pause} I think it means a person's got nothing to say...
STINKY: Sometimes, yes, it does, but in this case--
PEDRO: {Interrupting} How do you know?
STINKY: {Pause} How do I know what?
PEDRO: How do you know when a person's got nothing to say?
STINKY: That's got nothing to do with this Pedro, you're not listening. That's irrelevant, because when the President says "No comment," she doesn't mean she's got nothing to say. What does she really mean, Pedro?
PEDRO: {Pause} I'm not following this at all, Stinky. Was this the president before Sputnik, or after?
STINKY: {Getting angry} There was no president after Sputnik, you know that, you just said you understood that!
PEDRO: But I was lying! I don't understand anything!
{FX: Stinky slaps Pedro}
PEDRO: Ow, Stinky! {Starts running away}
STINKY: {Voice fading} Get back here, idiot child! You haven't got the sense God gave an onion!
PEDRO: {Slowing down, then walking} Boy, it's a good thing we talked to Stinky today.
LUCIO: A good many tragedies are foretold in the words of a wise woman.
PEDRO: You're pretty wise yourself, Lucio!
LUCIO: Thanks!
PEDRO: But look, here we are! It's time for coffee!
{FX: Inside of coffee shop, tinny MOR music, chatter, cash registers...}
BELINDA: Look out, Spider, here comes trouble.
SPIDER: Trouble, wha-- oh, geez...
BELINDA: I'm not serving him!
SPIDER: No, Belinda, c'mere--
BELINDA: Bye, I'm going to do dishes, bye!
SPIDER: Belinda you-- Hello, welcome to Streetlight Donuts, can I help you?
PEDRO: I think you can, because you always do! This is my favourite coffee shop. All the most interesting people come here, and you guys treat me so well! In fact, whenever I come to this coffee shop, I begin to feel like a dandy 17th century English fop!
SPIDER: What the hell do you want.
PEDRO: Coffee, my good sir, and lots of it!
SPIDER: For take-out, right?
PEDRO: Why for here, of course! Egads, Spider, if I didn't know you so well from my "Birds and Fishes" class, I'd think you were anxious to be rid of me!
SPIDER: What size coffee?
PEDRO: Do you still sell pot, Spider?
SPIDER: Jesus, Pedro, SHUT UP!
PEDRO: I'm just making conversation.
SPIDER: What size coffee do you want??
PEDRO: You haven't answered my question about selling pot.
IDA: Excuse me, is there a problem here? Oh, hello, Pedro.
PEDRO: Ida, by my eyes, you have been promoted to supervisor already?
IDA: Well, only the most worthy people are promoted to this position, so I don't understand it myself.
SPIDER: I'll just serve this customer over here, Ida...
IDA: No, wait, wait, you were serving Pedro, Spider darling...
PEDRO: I was just asking him if he still sells pot.
IDA: {Pause} Do you, Spider?
PEDRO: He won't answer me. Me! A dandy, 17th century English fop!
IDA: Why won't you answer the question, Spider?
SPIDER: Well...because...it's none of his business...
IDA: {Lecturing tone} Spider, please, listen to me. And look at me when I'm speaking to you. Customers are the very backbone of this establishment. They are not outsiders, and they are not a nuisance. {Clucking} You are a very willful young man, Spider.
SPIDER: Well...it's just...
IDA: The answer is no, Pedro. We no longer sell entire pots of chili, because the mushrooms explode when they are compressed.
SPIDER: Yeah, so what size coffee do you want??
PEDRO: Oh, it doesn't matter.
SPIDER: Small, medium or large?
PEDRO: Oh, I don't care.
SPIDER: {Getting more angry by the second} Do you want cream or sugar??
PEDRO: Either or both is okay with me, chum!
SPIDER: Do you want it black?
PEDRO: Black or white, there are no absolutes in this crazy world!
SPIDER: DO YOU WANT A BLACK EYE?
IDA: Spider, please. The customer is always right!
SPIDER: Fine, here's a medium black coffee, that's $1.10.
PEDRO: But wait, gent! I have fourteen cents.
SPIDER: Just take the coffee.
PEDRO: What would the tomatoes think, if I didn't drink any coffee today!
SPIDER: Take it.
PEDRO: Woe! Oh, woe!
SPIDER: Just take the coffee!
PEDRO: {Pause} Thank you Spider! Bye, Ida, m'lady! You'll notice, by my speech, that I am a dandy, 17th century English fop.
IDA: Sure thing, Pedro, enjoy your coffee!
SPIDER: {Voice fading out} I'm quitting. Seriously, I'm done.
LUCIO: So where do you want to sit, Pedro? Where do you think interesting things are bound to happen?
PEDRO: Well, there are some tables with only one person sitting at them, and as we know, people who sit at a table all alone are always looking for company!
LUCIO: But if we sit down with a group, maybe we'll have even more fun.
PEDRO: {FX: Sound of screeching monkey getting closer and closer} The more, the merrier!
{FX: Old woman screams, monkey shrieks in triumph, monkey goes running away}
OLD LADY: Help, someone! Help, thief!
PEDRO: What's wrong, old lady?
OLD LADY: That monkey just stole my mittens!
PEDRO: I don't see any monkey, are you sure you aren't going crazy?
OLD LADY: {Hysterical} No, I'm not crazy, I know I'm not crazy! It just dropped out of the ceiling, and it was horrible, and covered in blood, and it ran shrieking up to me, grabbed my mittens, and jumped back into the ceiling again! It was HORRIBLE! {In tears now}
PEDRO: Oh, you are crazy.
OLD LADY: I know what I saw! Why won't anybody believe me! Oh! {Voice receeding, weeping}
PEDRO: Look, those university students are having an intelligent conversation. Let's join in, Lucio!
JOE: Girls are stupid.
SANDRA: No, girls are definitely not stupid, GUYS are stupid.
MIKE: Girls have tits!
JOE: Haw haw! Good one, Mike!
MIKE: Well they do.
SANDRA: That's true.
JOE: But any girl who thinks guys are stupid...is just a stupid girl.
SANDRA: That's true.
MIKE: Haw haw! Good one, Joe! And Sandra, you must be a stupid girl then!
SANDRA: Oops, I walked right into that one! {They all laugh} What a dumb girl I am! {They laugh harder} I really must be dumb!
PEDRO: Hi Sandra, Joe, Mike.
{Laughter stops, now there's just the usual coffee shop noises}
PEDRO: I have a few things to say, if you don't mind.
MIKE: Nobody asked you.
PEDRO: Sandra, for instance, you think you're stupid, but I'm really stupid. You see, a long time ago, I was--
MIKE: Beat it. {Pause} Get lost.
PEDRO: I just wanted to make a point about--
JOE: Yeah, a point about your pointy head!
{Pause}
JOE: What I meant, was...you know, a point, like the one on your head...
MIKE: Beat it, creepy kid.
JOE: Or we'll beat it for you.
SANDRA: Like--
JOE: Like we'll beat you up.
LUCIO: Uh-oh, Pedro, I think we're in a very dangerous situation here...
{FX: Dangerous, scary music. Commercial Break}
MIKE: C'mon, Joe, let's kill this freak.
JOE: Okay, yeah, I wannna do that.
PEDRO: But wait! How long do you guys think it takes for an icicle to melt?
SANDRA: Kill him, Mike!
MIKE: I'm...I'm making myself mad, so I won't mind killin' him!
PEDRO: I'faith, I am beshit!
SANDRA: Clean his clock, damnit!
MIKE: Grrr, I'm so mad! Okay, I'm ready now!
{FX: Sudden, deafening monkey shriek, thumping sound, happens very quickly}
SANDRA: {Screams} Oh my God!
JOE: Don't worry, Sandra, we're gonna kill him, right now!
SANDRA: But wait, something just stole my hat!
PEDRO: Surely it wasn't me, m'lady.
SANDRA: And look at this uggy stuff, all over the table. Jeez! You stupid men, you were so busy fighting and being macho, you weren't even around to protect me! You stupid men!!!
MIKE: We're not stupid.
SANDRA: You are so stupid.
JOE: No, you are the stupid girl.
SANDRA: But what about my hat?
JOE: Oh, your hat, yeah. Excuse me, ma'am? Something just came out of the ceiling and stole this stupid girl's hat.
PEDRO: It's Muffy The Cat!
MUFFY: Pedro, sugar! Land's sake, what a surprise!
PEDRO: You still work here? I thought you died.
MUFFY: {Liz Taylor impersonation} Muffy's alive, she's alive, here and now!
SANDRA: But what about my hat?
MIKE: Yeah, she-male, someone stole it.
MUFFY: {Gentle & sincere} What kinda hat was it, darlin'? Was it a fluffy hat, somethin' all warm 'n furry? Was it the kinda thing, might make a monkey long for the jungle of his distant, happier past?
SANDRA: It was my cool "Fuzzy-Duzzy" hat, from the "Fuzzy Does-He-Do-It?" show!
JOE: Oh, I love "Fuzzy-Duzzy."
PEDRO: Pray tell, Muffy, what's going on? Who amongst us is stealing all this furry stuff?
MUFFY: Obviously you kids have never heard the story of Chi-Chi, The Mad Lactose Intolerant Monkey.
JOE: Who's that?
MIKE: Geez!
SANDRA: But what about my hat!
PEDRO: Tell us the story, Muffy!
MUFFY: Well, gather 'round me, chi'dren, 'an I'll tell you a tragic tale, 'bout a poor, sick outsider, stolen from his homeland and brought into our world, forever lonely...
{FX: Donut shop noises fade away, replaced by busy street sounds}
MUFFY: Seven years ago, the owner of this fine establishment had fallen on hard times. He'd spent thousands of his own dollars developin' a special kind-a high-fat cake for th' store, but what d'ya know! Nobody would buy it. Sinkin' into debt, and also into despair, he wandered the streets of Birdtown lookin' for a way out. Soon he found himself walkin' through the mysterious and dark community of Little Belgium...
{Each vendor's call overlaps the last slightly}
VENDOR 1: Twisted bananas, over here! Come and getcher twisted bananas!
VENDOR 2: Autographed pictures of Belgian movie star, you can still smell the sweat on 'em!
VENDOR 3: Brussel sprouts! Can't get enough of them authentic, fire-roasted brussel sprouts!
MONKEYBOY: Belgium monkeys for sale, straight from the olde country! Come buy a Belgian monkey!
OWNER: {To himself} Wait a second. What a fantastic idea! (To Monkeyboy} Excuse me, boy?
MONKEYBOY: Yessir?
OWNER: Your monkeys...are they destructive and dirty animals that for some reason people think are funny and cute, no matter how terribly they behave?
MONKEYBOY: Of course, this is the way of all monkey, sir. They act just like very stupid, disturbed human being, but since they monkey, everybody laugh!
OWNER: Fabulous! And do they like to eat?
MONKEYBOY: All Belgian monkey like to eat, sir.
OWNER: Fantastic! I will buy a monkey, and use him for my cake promotion! I'll say "look at this happy monkey, see how he loves our cakes," and everyone will love him, young and old alike!
MONKEYBOY: Okay, sir, take this monkey here. He is called "Chi-Chi." But listen to what I say: be careful what you feed him, because you never know how Belgian monkey react to certain food!
OWNER: Yeah yeah sure.
{FX: Street sounds fade out, Muffy's voice comes in with heavy echo}
MUFFY: So the unwise, silly and impulsive store owner brought Chi-Chi back to th' donut shop, and all went well...but there were dark clouds already hangin' on th' horizon...
(FX: Fade-in, sounds of cheering crowds, laughing people etc.}
OWNER: Lookit Chi-Chi, everyone! Isn't he a sweetheart! He's just like a little man, just like a little version of YOU, and look...just look how he loves to eat our cakes!
KID: I love Chi-Chi, daddy. Buy me a cake!
{FX: Chi-Chi vomits}
KID: Ummm...buy me a donut instead.
{FX: Fade out, heavy echo again}
MUFFY: And as the days passed, Chi-Chi grew sicker an' sicker, and the cake sales dropped off, and so did the sales of soups, chili, and any other food resemblin' vomit.
{FX: Fade in, donut-shop
sounds, no cheering, and
sound of Chi-Chi's laboured
breathing}
OWNER: {Sounding uncertain} Ummm...lookit this here happy monkey...watch him...sorta eat that slice of cake...
{FX: Violent vomiting}
KID: What's wrong with Chi-Chi, mommy?
MOMMY: He's a sick monkey, darling.
{FX: Suddenly Chi-Chi starts shrieking, attacks OWNER}
OWNER: Chi-Chi! Oh Jesus, get off, stop!
{FX: Fade out, fade in donut shop in the present}
MUFFY: After leavin' the hospital, the poor man called up Dr. Berlin, in the hopes that he could explain Chi-Chi's bizarre an' inappropriate behaviour...
PEDRO: Hey, Dr. Berlin, I know him! My mom called him up so he could explain my bizarre and inappropriate behaviour! And I explained to him about the time, years an' years ago, I was starring in this--
SANDRA: But what about my hat??
MIKE: Shut up, you two, this is a neat story. Keep going girl-thing!
MUFFY: Thank you, sweetie.
{FX: Wounded Chi-Chi}
OWNER: This just can't continue, doctor. Look at him. One minute he's huddled vomiting in the corner, and the next he's throwing shit at customers and attacking people. He's lost most of his fur and he's bleeding from every orifice. Worst of all, he is now refusing to eat the cake!
BERLIN: But of course he does, because this monkey is lactose intolerant. Your cakes are poison to him!
OWNER: Oh, no! Just my luck! I should've listened to that guy who sold him to me. Oh well, no more cake for you, Chi-Chi! Ha ha.
BERLIN: Ah, but my good man, that just won't do. You've so poisoned this monkey's metabolism with your cakes, that his brain is now deformed, his nervous system is strangled, and his lymphatic network is absolutely kablooey!
OWNER: Poor Chi-Chi! I never knew!
BERLIN: Ah yes, it is indeed a tragedy.
OWNER: So what can we do?
BERLIN: Ease the poor creature's misery by hitting it on the head with this hammer.
{FX: Chi-Chi screams in fear}
BERLIN: It'll be over in a second, little monkey! {To owner} Right there, between his fearful little eyes. I recommend you do it seven times.
OWNER: If you say so, doctor. Lights out, Chi-Chi!
{FX: Intense screaming, Chi-Chi dodging hammer blows, etc.}
OWNER: Hold still!
BERLIN: Look out for his claws, please, unless you like gangrene.
OWNER: It's for your own good, Chi-Chi!
{FX: Chi-Chi crashes through the corkboard roof and his screams receed. Pause}
OWNER: My goodness, he's gone right through the ceiling!
BERLIN: Who can blame him, really. What is up there?
OWNER: Nobody knows. And with that mad monkey running around loose, nobody will ever know!
BERLIN: Well, this should teach you not to meddle with wildlife for your own selfish ends.
OWNER: I'm going to sell the donut shop, and start an organization to prevent this kind of thing from ever happening again!
{FX: End of story music, fade-in donut shop sounds}
MUFFY: True to his word, that's exactly what he did. He sold it to the current owners, and started a ground-breaking monkey-extermination business, which continues to this day.
MIKE: What a sad story!
JOE: Poor little monkey.
SANDRA: But what about my hat!
MUFFY: Well, if it's any consolation darlin', Chi-Chi takes advantage of senior's day to steal furry things and food from slow-moving customers, which he mixes with feces to create his above-ceiling environment. I suppose it reminds him of home.
MIKE: Maybe we could send him home?
MUFFY: Oh Mike, honey, that's sweet. But he could never go back to Belgium. The other monkeys wouldn't accept him now.
MIKE: Don't call me honey.
MUFFY: So no, this is his home, for better or for worse. We just have to try and understand him as best we can, and maybe find ways of making his life a little easier.
PEDRO: Maybe he needs a girlfriend.
MUFFY: You think so?
PEDRO: Well yeah, me and Chi-Chi have a lot in common, and it would make me happy if I had a girlfriend.
JOE: Hey Sandra, maybe you could go out with Chi-Chi, ha ha.
SANDRA: With a monkey? Oh, gross!
PEDRO: Why don't we go to Little Belgium and get Chi-Chi a girl monkey?
MUFFY: All the monkeys in Little Belgium are dead now, but wait...why don't we go to the real Belgium, and get a monkey there?
PEDRO: Haply, I would love to! Hey everyone, let's go to Belgium!
JOE: Are you goin', Muffy?
MUFFY: F'sure I am, sugar!
JOE: Okay, I'll come. Ha ha.
MIKE: You don't wanna do that I don't think, Mike.
SANDRA: Guys? I'm starting to feel kinda strange, without my hat, like I've got no personality or something.
MIKE: I'll stay here with you, Sandra. Besides, if I go to Belgium I won't get to drink my coffee before it gets cold.
PEDRO: Okay, c'mon you two, we're off to the land of dreams!
{FX: Choo-choo travelling
music, fade-out}
{FX: Fade-in same effects
as for Little Belgium}
VENDOR 1: Brussel sprouts, still smellin' of sweat! Gether brussel sprouts!
VENDOR 2: Autographed picture of Belgian movie-star, who also is a kick-boxer, by golly!
VENDOR 3: Eggbeer! Gether fresh-squeezed eggbeer!
PEDRO: Aww, too bad, nobody's selling twisted bananas...
JOE: And you can get eggbeer everywhere. What a dull country this is.
MUFFY: Let's find our monkey, gentlemen.
MONKEYMAN: Psst. You look for Belgian monkey?
MUFFY: Yes indeed. Can you help us?
MONKEYMAN: Is difficult. Bad men come, they kill all monkeys. These men bring no business to Belgium because all they eat is stale cake. Finding monkey now is very dangerous.
MUFFY: So you can't help us?
MONKEYMAN: Actually, I have a monkey right here.
{FX: Happy monkey noises}
MONKEYMAN: Her name is Celine.
PEDRO: Wow, what a beautiful monkey! She's perfect!
MUFFY: If you like her Pedro, then I'm sure Chi-Chi will!
MONKEYMAN: Okay, I sell her to you. But heed my warning. Keep her away from water, and never feed her after midnight.
JOE: Sure sure whatever.
MONKEYMAN: Just one moment and I shall wrap her for you.
JOE: So Muffy, if you don't mind me askin', do you have a boyfriend or somethin'?
MUFFY: No I don't, Joe. Do you have a sweetheart of your very own?
JOE: Well no, I went out with this girl in highschool, but then I found out she was a stupid guy.
MUFFY: {Sarcastic incredulity} No.
PEDRO: Muffy's really a guy.
JOE: Shut up, Pedro. You don't know anything at all.
PEDRO: I think I knew something, once...
JOE: Why are you so creepy, anyway? What happened to you?
PEDRO: Geez, I've been trying to tell this story all day! And here I am in the clean Belgium air, what better time to tell it!
JOE: Spit it out.
PEDRO: A long time ago, I was playing the role of "Humbert Higgins" in a school production of "My Fair Lolita," and I got hit by an apple cart.
MUFFY: You don't say!
JOE: Yeah, well it wasn't a very good story anyway.
MONKEYMAN: Here you go, one monkey, all wrapped up.
JOE: Wow, that's a really small box.
MONKEYMAN: This is one of the wonders of Belgian monkey! They can be compressed, and later they snap back into shape, just like new!
PEDRO: {Wistful} The many miracles of Belgium! Okay everyone, let's go back and make a sick monkey very happy!
JOE: {Voices fading away} So Muffy, do you believe in love?
MUFFY: I've got somethin' to say about it, goes somethin' like this...
{FX: Coffee shop sounds}
MIKE: You're not looking good at all, Sandra.
SANDRA: {Dully} Don't I. Really.
MIKE: This is the way you used to look, before you got your Fuzzy Duzzy hat, remember? Back when everyone in Res made fun of you because you weren't interesting?
SANDRA: Yeah.
MIKE: {Pause} So, anyway, what do you think about this new movie coming out called "Vicious People Living On The Fringe?"
SANDRA: I don't know.
MIKE: Keanu Reeves and Wynnona Judd are in it.
SANDRA: Okay.
MIKE: {Pause} I hear it's really extreme, there are tattoos...and stuff. Oh hey, you guys are finally back!
PEDRO: Back from Belgium!
MIKE: Did you bring me a twisted banana?
PEDRO: No, but I brought a monkey!
MIKE: No kidding, you got a monkey in that box?
PEDRO: Yeah, her name is Celine, and she's the prettiest monkey in all the world! But I think she's shedding, there's fur coming out all over the place...
MIKE: Where's Joe?
PEDRO: I dunno, Muffy and him went off someplace. So anyway, now we just have to find Chi-Chi...
{FX: Monkey screams, Samantha screams and starts swearing}
SAM: Ah, you stupid freakin' monkey! Gimme back my purse! All my gum's in there ya idiot, hey!
PEDRO: Samantha, you found Chi-Chi for us!
SAM: Goddamn freak monkey jumped on the friggin' table and took my purse! Scared me so much I swallowed my straw, for Chrissake!
PEDRO: Hey Chi-Chi, come on out, we have a surprise for you!
SAM: You're gettin' fur all over my table, ya goof. What's in the box?
MUFFY: {Suddenly arriving with Joe} Any luck Pedro?
PEDRO: Not yet.
MUFFY: He'll only come out if ya tantalize him with somethin' fuzzy.
JOE: I've got hairy hands.
MUFFY: Joe, sweetie! Stick your hands up there and sorta wave them around.
JOE: I'd do anythin' fer you, Muffy.
MUFFY: {Artifically touched} Awwwww...
PEDRO: Here he comes!
{FX: Curious monkey noises}
SAM: JESUS he's ugly!
PEDRO: Look at what we brought you, Chi-Chi! {FX: Opening package, happy monkey sounds from Celine} Oh my GOD!!!
SAM: Oh, barf!
JOE: What happened to her?
PEDRO: It must be because of the climate change! She's used to Belgian air, but now she's here, all her fur fell out and she's covered with mucous!
SAM: You guys sure picked a winner of a monkey.
{FX: Chi-Chi & Celine cooing to eachother}
PEDRO: But look, it doesn't matter how ugly she is, love conquers all! You can be disgusting and creepy and stupid, but there's still someone out there who wants to be your girlfriend, even though she might be ugly too.
MUFFY: {Crying} Oh geesh, that's sweet.
SAM: Except you of course, Pedro. Nobody could ever love you.
PEDRO: Well, I'm no monkey Samantha.
SAM: My name's Candy, you creep, I keep tellin' ya!
PEDRO: Bye-bye, Chi-Chi! Bye-bye Celine! But what's this??
{FX: Something soft falls on the table}
MIKE: It's Sandra's Fuzzy-Duzzy hat! Hey, Sandra, where are you? We got your hat back! Now people will think you're cool again and you can be popular in Res, because of this advertisement you can wear on your head! Of course we'll have to wash it. Sandra?
MUFFY: It's too late, Mike. She's gone.
MIKE: She's dead? Where?
MUFFY: No, she just sorta...faded away.
MIKE: Oh. That's too bad.
PEDRO: What a bittersweet ending! I guess this proves that every beautiful thing that happens on this earth goes hand in hand with tragedy!
JOE: Muffy, hold me 'cause I feel so sad about this stuff. Heh heh.
PEDRO: On yeah, and there's always dramatic irony too.
MUFFY: And a sense of good old, glorious, divine retribution!
PEDRO: And foreshadowing. But what exciting thing could possibly happen tomorrow?
LUCIO: Only the tomatoes know, Pedro.
PEDRO: That's right, Lucio. Only the tomatoes know!