Past & Future!

Great artists just can't get a decent break! Check out the Daily Muffy Art Scandal for the whole kerfuffle.

On May 27th I was honoured to be a special guest at Guelph's Pride event at the Rude Native Bistro. I was doubly honoured to get a chance to chat with MPP Liz Sandals (who was, incidentally, a total sweetie...the picture on the right isn't staged, it's the real thing).

Since it also turned out to be the first time I was quoted "in real time" by a reporter, and since I came off sounding like a bit of a jerk in the final article (which appeared in both the Guelph Mercury and The Record), how about I take this opportunity to say clarify things?

YES, as was mentioned in the article, children DO terrify me. I don't know how to talk to them, pick them up, dance with them or give them the sort of nurturing, loving attention which turns them into Flowers of Canadian Adulthood (like me!) For this reason, when a child approaches me I run away as quickly as my footwear and hemline will allow.

But in the specific case mentioned in the article -- the child who danced with me at last year's Pride Picnic -- the life-affirming ENDING of my quote was removed and people only read the first part: that I was "terrified" when it happened. Well, yes, I was terrified when the little girl STARTED dancing with me, but I quickly found myself relaxed and happy to be up there with her, which is a totally un-Muffy-like experience in so many ways. That girl was sweet and fun, and I realized that I CAN get along with children...

...sometimes. Unless they vomit on me or need me to help them go to the bathroom. But somehow that "happy ending" to the Muffy-and-the-girl story didn't make it into the article.

I am frequently told by people that they thought my dancing with the girl was "touching." I don't want those people to think now that it was a horrible experience for me. I don't want that little girl or her mother to feel bad in any way. I think everybody's heard me tell this story ad-nauseum anyway, but just in case y'all haven't, here it is in black-and-pink: it wasn't horrible at all. It was a fun and uplifting moment for me too!

But hey, don't start buying me baby jammies and bottles! No children for me. Just because I find one or two that I like now and then doesn't mean I can responsibly take care of one of my own.

On July 7th at Club Renaissance, you're invited to "Meow, Baby!" a night of fierce drag!

Hosted by Muffy St. Bernard, it's an open drag night dedicated to the animal in all of us.

Break out your feathers, your fleece, your faux fur, your scales, tails and (of course!) nails, because we've got an "animal" theme going on.

All are welcome to perform, participate, or just enjoy the show...as the area's finest kings and queens go on the prowl!

Incidentally, performers don't NEED to be in theme...but please try to bring at least one animal number or outfit (hey, leather counts!). If you can't think of one, that's okay...come out anyway!

I know that there are a potentially limited number of "animal" songs in the world. If two queens want to do the same song, they're welcome to perform it together, separately, or reach some other kind of compromise.

It had to happen sometime! Gosh, us She-Devils have been trudging out to that radio station every single week for over a year, and quite frankly I need a break. A long one. I've begun to feel "dim-witted" on the air, partly for fear of repeating myself (which is a personal paranoia of mine). So the show is on hold until all those batteries recharge and there's some new inspiration in the air.

If you didn't make it to the 2004 Miss Renaissance pageant -- or you'd just like to refresh your memory -- I've put up a brief expose of the evening here. Also, for those who really want to know what happens when a bunch of performers are buzzing around a well-decorated change-room, check out the Drag Yer Ass Out Rogue's Gallery.

I was incredibly honoured to be chosen as the "special musical guest" for Sisbro & Co's company launch party! I was sworn to secrecy until the event actually happened...and now I can tell it all.

Sisbro & Co is -- amongst other things -- a film production company working on its first film, "Making Victoria." There has been a huge amount of industry buzz about this movie and the company launch party was also a fundraiser, held at the exceptionally swank Sage Restaurant & Bar on Bay Street in Toronto. I was quietly snuck into a vacant part of the restaurant to change (I moved as quietly as a glittery drag queen can move through a huge crowd with a rolling suitcase, anyway) and -- when my time came -- performed a 15 minute set while constantly worrying about scuffing up their gorgeous floor with my heels.

The show went very well...I think! In order to relax after the show (because I felt a bit like a bull in a china shop) I made full use of the drink tickets I was given, and ended up chatting with an assortment of wonderful people: a casting director and her mother named Kitty, two men from Turkey who said that Turkish people would LOVE me (and then broke into uncontrollable laughter), a totally sweet woman from Scotland who recommended I NOT travel there, a young hopeful named Patricia who inherited my devil-horns (and her sister, Melissa, who had a love of applying flesh wounds), a man who hosted the after-party and said my Freedom Turkey crotch was "so nice and tidy," and a score of others...I'll post the pictures soon!

A special thanks to the gals at Delirium Clothing who ruffled up the Freedom Turkey feathers before the show, providing me with a buckram star on my headdress that almost blinded more than one person...and to the wonderful Ashley as well, who spent half an hour attaching that headdress to me in a shadowy back room. All-in-all, it was a night that I will always remember...especially next time I'm lying on a spinning bed in a hotel room at 4am!

Back in 1999 I started the "Ann Miller Appreciation" website...my first foray into the World Wide Web. That was quickly followed by the first version of "Dangermuff Enterproses" and -- in 2001 -- the "Planet Bollybob" Indian film review site.

The sites started out on xoom.com, which died a few months later. They were then moved to nbci.com, which died even faster. We found some stability over at freewebfile.com for about a year...but that, too, disappeared. With my patience running thin I moved everything to dazzled -- an offshoot of freewebpages.com -- and hoped for the best.

Well, dazzled was pretty good, except for its tendency to briefly disappear every month or so. I was just starting to feel comfortable when BANG! I was suddenly unable to upload anything to the web server. My support emails went unanswered for a week and I was forced to reach the following obvious conclusion: if you want a service that you can trust, you'll have to PAY for it! So I did, and I figured that while I was paying for web hosting I might as well pay for a domain name as well.

So here we are at www.dangermuff.com! No pop-up ads, more bandwidth, more storage space! The concept is still a little mind-boggling, but I plan on revamping some areas of the site and posting some UPhold .mp3's. In the meantime, look around and I hope you continue to enjoy the site. If you find anything that doesn't work or you have any suggestions for the future, please let me know!

Yes, it's really really true...the new UPhold CD is ready to go! Entitled "Bright Blue Jungle," it's an examination of Muffy's adventures in the jungles, oceans and backrooms of the imaginary world. You can get it on CD-R by emailing me -- it's $10 USD or CDN, which includes shipping -- and I'm also checking into distribution with reputable companies. I'm hopin'!

Sadly, since mp3.com appears to be belly-up there is no for internet denizens to hear a sample at the moment. Let me look around and see if I can find a place to put the files.

For more information about what (and who) is on the CD, check out the entry in the discography.

On Friday, April 30th, Tri-Pride will be staging a fundraiser with a Cabaret theme: "La Cage!" Hosted by Miss Drew (Kitchener's original Miss Renaissance) along with her sisters in crime from Toronto, Hamilton and beyond, and DJ'd by Muffy St. Bernard (hey!), you're guaranteed a great show. Doors open at 7pm with a cash bar, tickets are $8.00 in advance (you can get them from Club Renaissance, the Walper Hotel, and through Tri-Pride), and it will all be held at the Crystal Ballroom in the Walper Terrace Hotel (One King Street West, Kitchener).

Your $8.00 donation will buy you admission to the show...and free admission to a night of celebrating at Club Renaissance afterward!

For those who are still too upset about the death of Captain Kangaroo, you might have missed hearing that Ann Miller -- actress, tap-dancer and frequent representative of MGM -- died Thursday night of lung cancer. I've never had a chance to correspond with her or see her in person, but she's been an ongoing inspiration for me and for many others. Few people have been as well-loved and admired -- not to mention under appreciated and poorly treated -- as Ann has. You might not hear about her in the media much, but there is a vibrant internet fan base that hovers around her.

In honour of Ann, here's a link to my partially-finished synopsis of her first autobiography ("Miller's High Life") so that the uninitiated can find out a bit more...did you know that Ann was the inspiration for pantyhose? No horsepucky, honey.

The first annual Mr & Miss Naughty "butt" Nice Pageant will be held at Club Ren on WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2003...SHOWTIME 10:00 PM SHARP!!! Applications will be available at the bar or from BANG BANG LADESH (Miss Ren 2002). Application deadline and $10 entry fee are due by Friday, Nov 28, 2003.

This show is a 100% fundraiser. All money raised (including application fees) will be donated to charity. Donations accepted at the door. Fabulous door prizes and a 50/50 draw. Surprise celebrity guest judges!

Contestants will be judged in the following categories: In Theme Talent, In Theme Presentation, Question & Answer and Audience Reaction. Questions or concerns or want to volunteer? Contact Bang Bang LaDesh!

This year at the Busker Carnival, Annie, Victoria and I were the Queens On The Block, joined by Joe and the lovely Christine and -- later -- by a few more friends and well-wishers. Our trio arrived at around 8:30pm and discovered that it was very cold, but when faced with a sea of bewildered faces Annie came up with the perfect idea: "Pretend we're at Pride." Pride with a lot of tacky people. With that attitude in place, we smiled and waved and moved our little caravan from one event to the next. We heard the usual sorts of insults, and met the usual group of cool people as well who had encouraging things to say.

To pass the time we went to the only nearby safe place for a queen to drink: Symposium, which was packed and very expensive, but I got to make fun of the art (a shout-out to our poor, overworked waitress!). On the way in some drive-by yahoos called us "drag fags," which I thought was sort of clever. Unfortunately I wasn't really able to SEE any of the Buskers, since my headdress was too big to allow me to stand anywhere but at the back of the crowd. This made me realize that, all things considered, I was not wearing the right clothes for the occasion (did I mention it was DAMN COLD?). Thanks again to Delirium for the fabulous outfit!

Then: the actual Adult Show...the whole point of our exercise. Some icky insults and gawking, and a few pennies, but nothing near what happened last year. There was a nice security fellow next to us (at least, I think he was security...either that or he'd finished work at The Gap and forgotten to remove his headset), so thanks to the Festival organizers for looking out for us! It also seemed like the crowd was significantly less "you're not welcome here" than they were last year...maybe because we weren't being harassed, so they felt safer smiling or nodding at us. We stayed for about half an hour, but it was cold and we couldn't really hear the show. Then we had to get a cab...which is a whole other story!

2) The cool people who came out to stand with us, which shows the crowd that we aren't alone.

3) Since we went there emotionally prepared for adversity, we probably gave off a "don't mess with us" vibe that I didn't have last year.

5) It was too cold to start a fight, and people who were just bored and looking for something to do probably decided to stay home instead.

7) I saw some familiar unfriendly faces around us, including the guy who insulted us on our way out of Subway at the end of the night. Maybe they were disconcerted to see me come back after they'd harassed me last year, and doubly confused that there were MORE of us. In any case, everything was fine (within reason), and we live to drag another day. Thanks for all yer well-wishes and good thoughts & advice!

    I came home last night to a scene that might have come from a bargain bin DVD. As I got off the elevator, I noticed most of the nice Indian family from down the hall crowded around my door. Unusual, yes, since they live at the other end of the building but who am I to complain about a B movie market scene happening at my door? I was hoping that they were going to burst into song and throw coloured powder like they do on those programs on Sunday morning.

    As the sea of saris parted - amongst muted hellos, sidelong glances and the odd giggle - I was able to see the reason for the invasion. The little child with them was - gasp - RIDING my Jenna goose like a horse.

    I had known that the little one had been making visits to the goose on a regular basis. We hear him outside our door at night talking to the goose. They are, after all, about the same height and I am sure that in the grand tradition of Indian cinema, he might be what my grandmother calls "touched". Not enough to be in a bus shelter poster campaign but still "odd". And he has an odd fascination for the goose. I only hope that my goose doesn't actually come to life and wander the halls. That would be disturbing.

    I had, however, no idea that their relationship had gone to the next level.

    Morgan promises to film the next encounter between the desi child and the JennaGoose...stay tuned!

I've been sitting on this little nest of eggs for a few weeks now, waiting to make sure it really happened...but it has! The eggs have hatched! At last it can be told!

After a few years spent writing film reviews, I've been picked up by Bollyvista...a website from Montreal that is widely considered one of the places to get information about Bollywood films and music. From now on my new reviews will appear on Bollyvista first. Then, a week later, I'll disseminate them to the usual places (the BollyBob website, newsgroups, etc.) where I can jazz them up a bit more with any pictures or new information I've managed to gather. There's a new one over there already ("Jung") and there's lots more in the works.

So check out the reviews! I've you're a Bollywood fan, I think you'll like them. And if you're not...well, I just might make a convert out of you yet!

Did you know that your darlin' Muff has been making odd music for about 8 years now, and that some of this stuff is online for your perusal? I already had a bunch of tracks on MP3.com from UPhold's "Pony Tale" (the last CD), but I've finally gotten around to adding new songs from the upcoming release "Blue Cherry" (click here to listen to them!)

If you're really curious and you'd like to know more about UPhold, visit the website. These CD's and tapes are still more-or-less available...email me for the details.

Venus and I -- longtime students of 80's musical history -- have decided to see if we can break the retro mold by running our own 80's night, debuting at Club Renaissance on August 7th. The whole concept has come up pretty suddenly so our first few shows may be a little sparse, but we've got a few interesting concepts that involve YOU, the potential dancefloor fiend. For instance, what would you like to hear? What's the song that you love to death -- and can still be danced to and won't alienate everybody else in the world -- that other DJ's refuse to play? Come to the show and let us know! And speaking of that song that you love...do you own a copy? If so, bring it down and let us borrow it for the night, just in case we don't have it. It would be a shame if your song didn't get played just because we can't find it.

We're going to put on an upbeat show that covers as much ground as we can. And of course we'll play some of the favourites, so don't think we're going to get all weird on you. But be ready to hear some of those songs you'd almost forgotten about...the ones that somehow never became "Retro." A little goth? A little cheese? A little rock, pop, dance, disco, punk, funk and new wave? We've got it, baby, so come down this Wednesday, and bring your dancey-pants...it's going to be a blast!

Only one stipulation: I will not play House Of Pain. You'll just need to do your jumping around to another song, freak-o.

Are you a drag queen in the Kitchener/Waterloo area? If so, support the drag community, get yourself exposure, and compete in the upcoming Miss Renaissance 2002 Pageant! Kitchener has never had a pageant before -- believe it or not -- so be sure to take part...strut your considerable stuff! It's also a great way to help promote drag in a city that doesn't know as much about us as they should.

The show starts at 10pm at Club Renaissance (regular Thursday night cover) and will feature five categories: Presentation (white walk-on), Question & Answer, Swimwear, Talent and Eveningwear. We'd love to have as many people come out to see us as possible...cheer us on! You're bound to see spectacular outfits and some great performances...not to mention the crowning of Miss Renaissance 2002.

The fabulous Miss Drew will be organizing and hosting the event, and there will be some special guest performers as well. Don't miss it...it's going to be a first!

If you're interested in competing, pick up your applications at Club Renaissance. The admission fee is $30.

Since Drew was performing at the local ACCKWA Chairs for Charity benefit I tagged along to shmooze, see the sights, undo zippers, hand out trumpets, and scare semi-paralytic men in bathrooms. Here's a brief run-down of the things I learned during the night.

1	Never tell the hostess of a classic-rock radio show that your mom loves her, unless you're reasonably sure that the hostess wants to be loved by people like your mom.
2	Pre-adolescent children ("hoodie-kids") are getting wittier every year, especially when they're in large groups. Their comebacks are pretty good, though they do seem to be stumped by mention of their pubic hair.
3	One of our city's founding mothers has spectacularly fishy lips, at least as portrayed by a painting in The Heritage Room (picture coming soon!)
4	Not everybody thinks that giraffes make a horse-like whinnying noise. Jon believes that they make a strange sort of high-pitched beeping, which he was happy to demonstrate and which made me very happy indeed!
5	An awful lot of chairs were being sold for an awful lot of money at an auction for an awfully good cause.
6	If you want to remember significant things about a significant event, knock off the red wine, Muffy.

There's not much more to say: if you weren't there, you missed it, and we missed you too. Maybe next year, you slacker? I'd like to end off by mentioning that I currently have no money to spend on chairs or any other type of furniture, as I have yet to progress past the "futon" stage of Better Living. I mean jeez, I don't even own a coat-tree (hint, hint!)

This has nothing to do with me whatsoever, so perhaps I'm dispelling my egocentric image here (sorry!) but I need to report the little-heard news that Marc Moreland died on March 13th from complications of a liver transplant.

Marc was the long-time guitarist of 80's pop/new-wave geniuses Wall Of Voodoo, and he later went on to other projects (Pretty & Twisted with Johnette Napolitano and Department Of Crooks). I never saw him live and had no contact with him whatsoever, but I've always loved his music (and his songwriting...hey you, saying "who the hell was Marc Moreland and why should I care?" stuff "Mexican Radio" in your little hat and smoke it).

Upon receiving this news today and sharing it with one of my co-workers, he cautioned me not to engage in a grief-induced copycat death. This probably won't happen as I'm not set to get a liver transplant any time soon (I hope) and while my weekends can be pretty wild, I don't think I'm exactly engaged in a Moreland-ish "rock'n'roll lifestyle." So check back with me in 15 years or so and we'll see how the copycat thing is going.

Drew and I were proud to join Stevie Blair for the opening of "One," Brantford's first gay bar (and a swanky place it is, too). Despite initial karmic adversity -- that is, an enormous rain/sleet/snow storm that resulted in power failures and a sense of barometric unease -- we were warmed and welcomed by the staff and patrons of "One" (the drinks didn't hurt either, I might add), and it was an all-around fine show. Gary Johnston -- the owner of the bar -- is a delightful host, and I must say their backroom/operating theatre is first class! Be sure to check it out.

Click here to see the article from the Brantford Expositor, possibly the strangest name for a newspaper I've ever heard. The fact that I get more attention in the article than Stevie Blair (the hostess) and Drew (the headliner) is, I suppose, the positive side of having a goofy name. Sisterly affection and a yen for "the truth" compels me to say that my role in the show was pretty much tertiary. I promise pictures of back-room shenanigans in the near future.

Irrelevant: on the way down, spurred on by the lyrics to Tal Bachman's "She's So High," we tried to decide who we'd rather be: Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite. Mark voted for Cleopatra because she's got better makeup...and I agree, but I suspect that she was sort of dirty and didn't bathe very often, as most people were not concerned with hygiene in 69 BC, so occupied were they with locusts, disease, and just not dying. Mark countered that Cleopatra was known to travel to India to bathe in sacred springs. Drew figured this probably only happened twice a year.

As for Joan of Arc, despite her martyr status none of us wanted to be her because she wasn't very glamorous and was burned to death. Drew and I seemed to come down firmly on the side of Aphrodite...while Cleopatra no doubt needed to wait hours for her handmaidens to do her makeup, Aphrodite could probably just wave a wand and get her quick little cherubs to do the dirty work. Plus, since she was a goddess, she was clean and parasite-free, unless being dirty and parasitic was her scene, in which case she could wave her wand again and be as filthy as she wanted to be.

The fact that Aphrodite didn't carry a wand hadn't occurred to me at the time. This doesn't change the fact that, out of the three women mentioned in "She's So High," Aphrodite could do whatever the heck she wanted, as opposed to Cleopatra (who needed to deal with servants) and Joan of Arc (who probably didn't enjoy being on fire).

The other big topic of discussion on the way down -- "what sound does a giraffe make?" -- remained unresolved, but most who cared voted for a sort of horse-y whinney.

	WHAT'S MUFFY DOIN'?
	* For the most up-to-date news about what Muffy's doin', check out The Muffyblog! But don't despair...all the old stuff is still here, down below...