"Funny-Looking People in the IEEE Transactions On Pattern Analysis And Machine Intelligence"

The March, 1987 Archive, featuring:

Canki Van Baldoor, Husan Sagmoth, Maev Joergensen III, Roxer Bantbund & Gizoo Le Rogue!

 Canki Van Baldoor!

Then

Now

     Not much has changed since Canki co-wrote "The Effect of Median Filtering on Edge Estimation and Detection" in 1987.  If you ask me, the old "recreational drug-user" look suited him better than the "paying for my recreational drug-use in my old age" look, and the ever-present "hair-puff" should have remained lower on his forehead...but it's nice to see that the thick, healthy 80's moustache has spawned a lower-lip youngster.  All-in-all, I think Canki looks funnier now than he used to, but this could be because he doesn't look good in a suit and tie, and because his youthful eye-sparkle has been replaced with something sinister or -- dare I say? -- exhausted and overworked.  Too many years of coffee and fluorescent lighting, or...American Psycho?

 Husan Sagmoth!

Then

Now

     When I said the people who wrote for this magazine were all funny-looking, you thought I was kidding, right?  But hopefully now you've realized that not only were the original contributors nerds, but they've stayed nerds into the new millennium!  Case in point: Husan Sagmoth.  His forehead is higher and his moustache has thinned out, but otherwise he looks exactly the same.  Same potato nose, same "swoop-over" hairstyle, same chin-muck at the bottom of his face.  Good lord, he still can't close his mouth!  Though the "just got punched in the lip" look in the first photograph might be an optical illusion (or the result of bullying in the Engineering Lecture Hall -- "Hey Husan, quit breathing through your mouth or I'll sock ya!")

     The one sign that Husan has progressed over the years: there's a new nose-stem on his glasses.  But if such glasses existed back in 1987 I have no doubt that he would have worn them then.

 Maev Joergensen III!

Then

Now

     At an early age envy surrounded Maev causing him to develop many enemies.  His soon to be patented "peak" enhancing hair tool caused him to rise to alpha male status of the chess club. After graduation from some dank underground closet that passed itself off as a reputable engineering school Maev's life became one of idleness as the royalties from the "peak" enhancing patent paid off regularily. During a mid life crisis at the tender age of 29 Maev decided he way going to torment the world by becoming one of those pathetic evil villains that have great plans for global domination but are always thwarted in Hollywood productions by pathetic good guys with crooked teeth and bad english accents because that's what the audience wants to see. Maev soon found himself overwhelmingly busy with the daily tasks required of a pathetic evil villain and decided to have laser surgery to remove all of his facial stubble. This unfortunately left him with a lower maw that looks mostly covered in scar tissue. Depressed because his lips dissapeared (a side effect of the laser-stubble removal) and incredibly busy, Maev neglects to take the time to eat leaving him in the mostly starved state we see of his present picture. Best of luck in your future plans of world domination pathetic evil Maev!

Submitted by that Very Sick Man, Zimn C. Shrit!

 Roxer Bantbund!

Then

Now

     Roxer just wouldn't fit into our series of "funny-looking people" if he had changed his hairstyle in the last 17 years!  In fact, the only time these folks EVER change their hair -- as a rule -- is when they start losing it by the fistful, in which case they no doubt say (as Roxer did) "Keep it the same as it was in grade 3...but PLEASE try to swoop the thinning parts down a bit, so I can recapture the rakish, 'no comb just fingers' bangs that the girls always loved."

     The question is...DID the girls love his bangs?  Even more importantly, did the lovely engineering lasses in the library actually coo over those things on the side of his face, which may have been huge sideburns, or perhaps was just the remains of dried food?  Only the girls who grew up with him will know, but I've got to say: for an engineering nerd, Roxer wasn't doing too bad for himself.  Though his head was suspiciously "smurf-shaped."  He's got a "budding anarchist" look which was probably ruined by small stature.

     Nowadays, Roxer's older.  He's still got a dimple in his chin, and it really doesn't look like the bags under his eyes are anything new.  Does he deliberately add the "Alfalfa-tuft" on the top of his head, or is that just a lucky accident?  Has he EVER lost his passion for somewhat limp and ratty dress-shirts, or does he just wear those things on "picture day?"  Sadly, our job here at Dangermuff Enterproses isn't to seek out the facts.  Our job is only to cruelly speculate.  Which we will continue to do, whenever we need to feel good about ourselves.

 Vaniel B. Loogey!

Then

Now

     Communism! The scourge of the Eastern Hemisphere! A battle that has lasted for decades to liberate the shrouded masses from the shackles of this oppressive political system and leading the fight for almost as long has been Vaniel B. Loogey! At an early age of 8, Vaniel established the Freedom Gaggle. A group of neighbourhood kids who wore tights and capes and pretended to fly around their tree house saving the block from criminals, but as the leader of the Freedom Gaggle Vaniel soon grew tired of just fighting petty newspaper thieves and people who parked in handicap spaces without the handicap sticker (though his best criminal thwart was catching somebody with a photocopy of a handicap sticker.. HAZAA!) 

     Vaniel was learning about the growing Red threat overseas and heard rumours of it spreading to the land of the free. He soon secretly subverted the attentions of the Freedom Gaggle to the loftier cause but when the other members found out they were ashamed at the notion of Communists infiltrating their great country and soon the Gaggle disbanded, and in just time, as Vaniel went off to the University Of Moscow at the tender age of 27 to learn the ways of his enemy! The photo taken upon his return shows his crafty ability to appear like a brilliant chess player and infiltrate the highest echelons of Communist party gatherings which always had the best cheese and bisque though he was confused as an Israeli terrorist upon re-entering North America through Kennedy International. Vaniel worked on anti-Red techniques such as the Vonmischtich maneuver which enables the user to reveal a Communist's identity even in dense crowded places such as theaters and ball parks. The 1960's Hollywood scene gave Vaniel the opportune time to use his well honed skills and he partook in the "Red Hunt" that saw many prominent Hollywood moguls exposed as the Pinkos that they were. Loogey would drive them out of the country using snakes attached to sticks with a pink tuft of feathers at the gripping end of the stick. 

     Times were good for Loogey, his business "Get The Red Out" was prospering and his book "101 tips for a better .. HA! I'VE EXPOSED YOU NOW YOU COMMIE!" hit the top seller charts; but Loogey drew the attention of the wrong people and KGB agents disguised as IEEE members of the board of awards tricked Loogey into an abandoned theater where they punched him in the nose and broke his glasses. Vaniel got new glasses but the swelling in his nose never went down. Loogey promptly got out of the Red Hunt business and fell back on his skills as a chess player. In 2003 Loogey died of a freak cat bathing accident. You will be missed Loogey, your efforts let us have Liberals running the place. Thanks for nothing.

Guest-written by that McCarthy-era insider, Thinc S. Mirz!

 Gizoo Le Rogue!

Then

Now

     Notorious mathematics criminal Gizoo Le Rogue was known for his brilliant heists during the early 60's.  Using only his slide rule and protractor, Gizoo stole millions of dollars from bank vaults around the world, which he used to finance his research into Lebesgue Integration, the Bayes Error Rates, and the patented "Gizoo Pomp Hairstyle," which he is still perfecting today (see above: wispier and higher than ever before!).

     In the mid-80's he decided to "go straight."  Submitting his findings to reputable journals under a new (less conspicuous) name, he acquired a new reputation, a new pair of glasses and a new set of jowels.  He views his early days of mathematical thuggery with some degree of shame (38 degrees, to be exact), but he feels very little shame about his funny looking face, which he hasn't bothered to fix since.

 

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